Broken

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Nayah, Mar 22, 2019.

  1. Nayah

    Nayah New Fapstronaut

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    My partner of 10+ was addicted to P and M before we met. He used to M 3-5 times per day until we became active. He stopped P but the M never wavered. Once in the morning, once before bed, and whatever else throughout the day plus any real experiences we had. His constant need for stimulation led to a relapse to P a few years ago. He hid this from me, becoming more and more distant as time went on. He resented me for meaningless things whenever I got close to his secret. (Thinking he was cheating or worrying about his erectile issues when we were together)

    I have felt so alone in this relationship and so damaged by his constant lack of interest in me. I feel completely unattractive and like there is something wrong with me and my body. I've always stayed as thin as I could, I bought lingerie, makeup, whatever else I could think of to get his attention and he barely paid me the time of day. (I'm 5'3 and have weighed at max 125lbs)

    Years of this his resentment and blame combined with my self talk that somehow I must be at fault here has left me broken. Eventually I turned to P and M for my sexual needs...which have always been higher than most woman I know. (When we were okay, 3-4 times a week M. Now at least once a day P, M, or both) I did this because my self image is non existent and too much loyalty to cheat on someone I still care about.

    Now he's told me and I am feeling a combination of inadequacy, jealousy, and comparison to the people he's chosen over me time and time again. I constantly compare myself to anyone I see. I have been struggling even more with my addiction to PM after he told me. It's an escape from this pain that all of this damage. He's telling me that I did the same thing...but that's not what this feels like to me. To me it feels like I have tried over and over, like I'm in constant competition with his computer and he chose the screen over me. There is nothing more lonely than being alone when you are sitting next to someone you thought cared about you.
     
  2. Skins23

    Skins23 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for sharing and you are not alone. You have a whole community now of understanding people that can truly relate. My marriage broke up due to many things but my PMO was part of it. I realized that even when we were separated and in counseling no matter what I HAD TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. Easier said than done because we were both codependent and we were used to putting each other’s feelings before outer own. After some research and support I realized that the way I was thinking about my situation was unhealthy.
    I wish you the very best. I hope you find what you need on your recovery journey.
     
  3. nef

    nef Fapstronaut

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    Want to leave him ?
     
  4. Judas Johnson

    Judas Johnson Fapstronaut

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    So sorry. Remember there is nothing wrong with you, he has chosen a make believe fantasy over you.
    You deserve to be loved for who You are
     
  5. Nayah

    Nayah New Fapstronaut

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    It's not about wanting to leave him but I know I should. The issue is I feel so broken and unattractive from this I dont think anyone would want to be with me anyway. I don't feel like i have any options.
     

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