Buddhist Accountability Thread Group A

Discussion in 'Accountability Partners' started by Paranimmita, Apr 28, 2020.

  1. @Adam4Smith @a_new_chapter @pace4peace @Sh0e @MixerAwersome @lavalight147 @Phoenix87 @kammaSati @Gasti @janjijoni @Sebuktegin @pancabalani @Dromedary @sohei_1984 @Patrickio @nyanasami @supreme27 @lamabear @Upekkha



      • Non-arising of sensual thoughts that have not yet arisen
      • Abandonment of sensual thoughts that have already arisen
      • Arising of renunciation of sensual thoughts in the mind
      • Maintenance of renunciation of sensual thoughts in the mind


    • To never back down, even in death, even when threatened with death, even when family members are threatened with death by blackmailing you, not to give up the Brahmacharya (this aspect is just for mind training only, because in a real situation it is important to save your family members – remember this is upaya / method and should not be taken out of context)


    • Present moment focus – your desire is something from the past which has faded away and therefore is of no relevance in this present moment. You don’t exist in the past, you live right here in the present moment. What you desire in the path is not truly there in this very moment therefore this desire is an illusion (this applies if you are recollecting sexual feelings towards a girl / women who is not there in front of you in this moment). Change happens each and every moment and by the time you started feeling desire it was towards something which does not exist in the present moment.
    • The sexual desire is fed from inner speech, from a restless mind that is not silent, so to maintain silent awareness as applied to the present moment with equanimity and clear comprehension.


      • Is the body that I am attached to a self? Part of a self?
      • 3 step procedure for women, to see her as she is wearing her clothes, to see her without any clothing naked, now appreciate the parts which we find attractive - the head hairs (Pali: kesā), body hairs (lomā), nails (nakhā), teeth (dantā), skin (taco), and to mentally peel off the immediately visible aspects which we typically see beauty in head hairs (kesā), body hairs (lomā), nails (nakhā), teeth (dantā), skin (taco), now looking at what lies underneath to what we saw as attractive, why are we not attracted to what we are seeing now compared to what we saw earlier? Shouldn’t we like every part of all beings if we unconditionally care for all beings?
      • If all the body parts of this women were separated in to their 32 parts then which parts am I truly attracted to? The Form (Rupa) aggregate of women consists of the 32 body parts where each individual component is looked at with equanimity without the extremes of aversion and desire. To see that all individual parts are subject to decay and dissociation like all living parts of living beings. To see each and every individual component through the 3 characteristics of Anicca, Dukkha, Anatta without the 3 poisons of Lobha, Dosha and Moha.
      • If all of the body of this woman was to be separated into their fundamental elements of Earth (Patavi), Water (Apo), Fire (Thejo), Air (Vayo) and Space (Avakasha), then what do you like about these elements in their isolation? The Form (Rupa) aggregate of women is composed of the 4 elements of water element (apo), fire element (thejo), air element (wayo), earth element (pathavi) and space (avakasa). That a woman came into being because of the interaction of the 4 elements of fire, water, earth and air. During her life the 4 elements will undergo changes from time to time. After her demise the 4 elements will depart and move on elsewhere to either become part of non-living matter or move onto other lifeforms.
      • Imagine this body of the woman how it will change as she ages, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and so on
      • Imagine the changes the body will undergo after the death of this women (contemplate the 9 stages)
      • What I am attached about the woman through my vision – is this self? permanent? happiness?
      • What I am attached about the women through my hearing – is this self? permanent? happiness?
      • What I am attached about the women through tactile sensations – is this self? permanent? happiness?
      • Does this state of mind which has attachment have any shape? Form? Colour? Any essence?
      • This mind is not the same as the thoughts that occupy it, so these thoughts which I think that are mind are actually not mine.
      • If this woman a true self? Or a heap of 5 aggregates?
      • Divide her into the 5 aggregates? Which aggregate is desirable and which one is not? Is there anything within these aggregates which are desirable?
      • That sexual desire contributes to all the 5 Hindrances – directly it adds strength to sensual desire, it creates aversion towards one’s present state without sexual gratification and lack of contempt in the non-sexual state, that sexual thoughts are fed by a restless and remorseful mind, that indulging in sexual feelings results in sloth and torpor as the mind gets tired and dull, that sexual desire creates doubt in the mind trying to convince you that sex is the best experience that you will get and that the greater results from Buddhist practice is not worth pursuing


    • To be mindful in the present moment in silence with clear comprehension, free from the extremes of desire and aversion with equanimity. When sexual thoughts arise, to focus on the present moment with clear comprehension free from the extremes of showing desire or aversion.
    • The experience of the 1st Jhana/Dhyana is far more pleasurable than the greatest and best possible full body and outer body transcendental sexual orgasm from sex with all the sexiest and hottest of women and feminine deities of the past, present and future all put together in the same moment. The first Dhyana is one of the most basic transcendental experiences on the Buddhist path. Even those who are non-Buddhists are known to reach such states. However such states of transcendental pleasure can be reached only if we let go of the sense pleasures. Realising this we let go of all sense pleasures including sex, to pursue profound Samadhi which arises in the form of Jhanas/Dhyanas.
    • At the level of the 3rd Jhana/Dhyana, the mind can easily recognise the coarse component of pleasure (Piti) and the more refined component of pleasure (Sukha). All pleasures derived via the senses (including sex) they all have a coarse component in them. Therefore once this state is reached, activities such as sex appear very coarse. However such states of transcendental experience can be reached only if we let go of the sense pleasures. Realising this we let go of all sense pleasures including sex, to pursue profound Samadhi which arises in the form of Jhanas/Dhyanas.
    • At the level of the 4th Jhana/Dhyana, perfect Equanimity (Upekkha/Upeksha) is established in the mind. Perfect Equanimity means that this is the point where Equanimity will be the best it will ever get where it won’t improve any further. At this point all sense experiences, whether we use to see them with desire or aversion, now they will all be perceived as having one taste. So at this point sex is neither pleasurable not worthy of aversion. The activity of sex will feel no different from being burned or tortured - the falsehood of the pleasure-pain duality can be seen. Such states of transcendental experience can be reached only if we let go of the sense pleasures (including sex). Realising this we let go of all sense pleasures including sex, to pursue profound Samadhi which arises in the form of Jhanas/Dhyanas.
    • The Buddha not only reached upto the 8th Dhyana but he went above and beyond that all the way to perfect Enlightenment and full Enlightenment is far more profound than any of the Dhyanas.



    • That the Buddha was free from suffering and he taught the path to transcend from suffering. That he was beyond desire, aversion and delusion. Like the Buddha, we determine to let go of sexual desire to experience the same benefit which he experienced.


    • Realize that renunciation of sensual desire has to be perfected to have any hope of liberation
    • If there is any part of us that is still attached to a woman, then that is an obstacle.
    • That from a sensual point of view, when all sensual desire is renounced fully then that no longer stands in our way as an obstacle.
    • That Brahmacharya is a key element in renunciation. Sex binds us to Samsara in such a magnetic manner. Therefore to let go of sexual desire is important to transcend Samsara for this Buddhist path to spiritual progress begins from the act of renunciation


    • To fully determine to let go of these instant pleasures such as sex which are by no means rare, in order to go for the bigger goal of enlightenment.
    • That there is nothing in Samsara that is worth our attachment, and to strongly determine to reach liberation based on this.
    • That whatever the sexual desire, no matter how enticing or sweet it appears to be, the end result of all types of sexual desire is suffering. Therefore seeing the true nature of sexual desire - that it is suffering that needs letting go of and based on this, to determine ourselves to reach liberation.
    • To have full determination that initiating, maintaining and accomplishing a life of Brahmacharya is to maintain it without any faults or holes, in an immaculate manner and not to rest till Brahmacharya is fully accomplished in the mind, body and speech in a relentless, effortless manner beyond the point where no more sustenance is required. A true Brahmachari’s mind does not shake with sexual thought by one bit, even when presented with the bodies of even millions of sexy nubile women and female deities/goddesses. Till this unshakeable point is reached to strive with determination.


      • May she (all beings) have happiness and the causes of happiness.
      • May she develop Loving-Kindness (Metta) towards herself, so that she can let go of sexual desire which only leads to her suffering.
      • By developing Loving-kindness (Metta) to myself, by seeing the sufferings of sexual desire, may I let go of sexual desire.
      • May she (all beings) be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.
      • May she develop Compassion (Karuna) towards herself, so that she can let go of sexual desire which only leads to her suffering.
      • By developing Compassion (Karuna) to myself, by seeing the sufferings of sexual desire, may I let go of sexual desire.
      • May she (all beings) never be parted from freedom's true joy
      • May she develop Altruistic Joy (Mudita) towards herself, so by seeing the true benefits of being free from sexual desire, may she let go of sexual desire.
      • By developing Altruistic Joy (Mudita) to myself, by seeing the benefits of being free from sexual desire, may I let go of sexual desire.
      • May she (all beings) dwell in equanimity, free from attachment and aversion
      • May she develop Equanimity (Upekkha/Upeksha) towards herself, so by seeing that there is nothing desirable about sexual pleasures, may she let go of sexual desire.
      • By developing Equanimity (Upekkha/Upeksha) to myself, by seeing there is nothing desirable about sexual pleasure, may I let go of sexual desire.
      • If you truly showed loving-kindness / compassion / altruistic joy (Metta / Karuna / Mudita) to yourself then you wouldn’t put any value in sexual desire which will only bring you suffering. Clinging onto sexual desire means you still lack loving-kindness / compassion / altruistic joy to yourself.
      • Therefore desire for sex itself is a failure of Metta (Loving-Kindness) / Karuna (Compassion) / Mudita (Altruistic Joy) because if you can’t show loving-kindness to yourself then your loving-kindness towards others is insincere and dishonest.
      • Those who don’t have Metta / Karuna / Mudita towards themselves are the ones who foolishly show sexual feelings towards women, therefore develop Metta / Karuna / Mudita to those who are still trapped in such desires.
      • As someone who has taken the path to enlightenment and making a promise to maintain celibacy, if we allow to get lured by women then that bad karma falls on women. So we have a responsibility out of Metta / Karuna / Mudita not only for ourselves but also for others, because if we easily give in to sexual desire and fail Brahmacharya then we have carelessly become the cause of other’s non-virtue (such as the girl / woman that seduced you). Therefore out of Metta / Karuna / Mudita for women please don’t allow yourself to be lured and behave like a responsible adult who is responsible for the welfare of other beings and stop behaving like an immature child who easily gives into desire. Because our recklessness in being compliant with precepts can cause suffering to others.
      • If we truly wished Metta / Karuna / Mudita on all living beings then we would uphold our celibacy once we have taken it, not allowing us to become the cause of anyone’s bad karma by falling into their seduction.
      • If we really showed Metta / Karuna / Mudita to all beings then we would not want to see them suffer even for a day. Sexual desire has delayed us from reaching enlightenment so that sentient beings still continue to suffer to this day. So if we had true Metta / Karuna / Mudita to all sentient beings then without further delay we would haste in the path of enlightenment to liberate these beings from suffering as soon as possible as there has been enough delay already so we can’t afford to waste any more time in these mundane and petty activities like sex which even animals and beings of the lower realms enjoy.
      • Showing sexual desire means you lack Metta / Karuna / Mudita towards that person, because you are using her body for your own selfish desires and needs
      • If we are looking at certain individuals with sexual preference then this means we lack Upekkha/Upeksha (Equanimity)
      • There is no reason to show preference to some and no preference to others and it is our deluded minds that exaggerate the importance of things. Realising this we let go of sexual desire so that Upeksha/Upekkha can develop in our minds.
      • Upekkha/Upeksha is required for concentration, and sexual desire stands in the way, therefore to let go of sexual desire.
      • Why is it that we like some parts of women, and not like other parts of women? We like the smooth curves on the outside, but if we turn her inside out can we say that we love her same way that we used to before? Therefore to realise that true Upekkha/Upeksha is something which arises at the absence of preferences including sexual desire.


    • To see that the gender which we have sexual orientation towards as Mara. The appearance of a woman is Mara (the tempter) – the embodiment of the sufferings of Samsara.
    • There is nothing inherently desirable about a woman. Some men may show sexual desire towards her and some will not – which shows that sexual desire is not inherent within the body or persona but it is made up by our own defilements/disturbing emotions of our mind. Had we been free from them then there would be no room for sexual desire
    • If she was inherently ‘sexual’ then the sexual desire within us will not be under our control, but this is not true – it is made up by our defiled mind and therefore we have control over it and we can change it
    • Don’t see that her nudity / sex as dirty or vulgar. Instead see within yourself that it is your defiled mind / mind that is affected with disturbing emotions that make it dirty. Contemplating this abandon sexual desire.
    • Sexual desire occurs usually towards those who are different from us. But actually they are not that much different from us. We are the same as them. So why make this false distinction between you and them? Why cling to the ego and consider others as separate?
    • See yourself as her? If you were her then how can you show sexual desire towards her? Can you show sexual desire towards your own self?
    • If you can’t show sexual desire towards yourself then it doesn’t make sense to show sexual desire towards others if you hope to transcend delusion. The idea that you are different from others is delusion. This is the 'Self' ego view deluding you.
    • Reflect on the Three Poisons – Desire (Lobha), Aversion (Dosha/Dvesha), Ignorance (Moha) – that there is nothing which is inherently beautiful, to see that beauty is an illusion and there is no such thing as beautiful or ugly (it’s the defiled mind that creates this)
    • Reflect on the Three characteristics (Tilakkhana)Impermanence (Anicca), Non-self (Anatta), Suffering (Dukkha) that what your see in her physical body and persona as attractive is impermanent, that there is no permanent essence in any of the aggregates which she is composed of and that she being a collection of five aggregates that clings to them is itself a form of suffering. No matter how she smiles and look at you, winks at you or pulls the tongue at you (seductive gestures) – she is suffering all the time (even she can’t see this as her view of her suffering is covered by delusion). Also please do see that your feelings for her are impermanent and will undergo change, realise that there is no permanent essence within you or a ‘self’ that is experiencing this pleasure, and provided you attach to these feelings then the end result it will give to you is suffering. Realising that attachment to things which are impermanent and non-self the end result of them being suffering us let go of attachment to women as well as our own feelings about them.
    • That all things are the result of causes and conditions, there would be no fruit without the cause, try to look at the cause and not only the fruit (Hethu-Pala), what you desire only exists for this moment only and will change and your imagination and what is reality is not the same. To look in a way that she exists for the moment because of the causes. She was the result of her parents coming together in union, then later she has to depend on external factors for her survival such as food, water and oxygen. She needs to sweat, defecate and urinate to keep herself alive. If any of these factors were disrupted then this would result in death. Her heart is beating every moment pumping blood all around the body, the lungs are expanding and contracting to oxygenate the blood, urine if filling the bladder and faeces is passing through the intestines. There is not fixed static state, everything is moving like a bag of wriggling worms.
    • 3 spheres are illusory - subject is illusion, the object is illusion. The illusion that there is a 'self' that is enjoying this sexual pleasure and that the object which we obtain sexual pleasure from is also illusory.
    • That if you were to break down the body into its finest elements then you will end up with indivisible units (Kalapas). Do the kalapas themselves have the ability to generate sexual desire? There are plenty of material and sentient beings that are made out of kalapas yet you do not have sexual desire towards them, but you only show sexual desire towards some beings who are no different from others as we are all made up from these indivisible units called kalapas.
    • Reflect on Emptiness (Sunyata) – the ultimate true nature of all things

    • That being celibate (Akanda Brahmacharya) is an important factor in the development of powers (even though it is encouraged not to have this intention but rather to see that the powers are just a superficial symptom of deeper spiritual accomplishment at the level of the mind)

    • Appreciate the Buddha and other enlightened beings warned us of the dangers of sensual desire (especially sexual desire for girls and women) in various discourses which are so numerous. Warning about sexual desire was something that they mentioned repeatedly to various sentient beings found in so many places in the scriptures. To acknowledge this deeply
    May all beings be happy and free from all suffering!
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  2. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

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  3. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    Yesterday I engaged a bit in some romantic non-sexual fantasies with a girl I'm working with at the moment. I imagined how it would be like to be in a romantic relationship with a girl like her. And then I asked myself why my mind takes me there. What is looking for? Is it a desire of companionship, physical touch? Filling a void, looking for social validation (in having a girlfriend)? I pondered the advantages (many) and the disadvantages (none!) of choosing celibacy. At least for the time being :)
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  4. Thanks @pancabalani
    Opposites attract each other so what we look for is usually something we dont have. The Buddha explains that men are attracted to femininity and women are attracted to masculinity. Even among those who are of the LGBTQ community despite some of them involve same sex relationships the aspect of attractions from another is towards a quality which one does not have.
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  5. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    Yes, it is like that.

    How were you able to do it? Is it connected with some form of 'lucid dreaming'?
    The times I had a wet dream I usually wake up and remember it was connected to a sexual scene of some kind. But I have never thought it would be possible to stop it before it happens.

    I'm curious about what you're doing!
  6. I had a wet dream last night so it didnt work this time.
    Yes it was like a semi-lucid state last time, when I felt a spasm happening in the pelvic floor muscles. The I took a breath. This time when I had the wet dream I lost all resistance and sexual curiosity took the upper hand. If I am going master semen retention then I need to avoid wet dreams fully. Now I have reached celibacy the next base camp I need to cross is overcoming wet dreams on my way to the summit.
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  7. lamabear

    lamabear Fapstronaut

    Hi all.
    This morning I had a reset, and I masturbated. I woke up, with this feeling that something needed to be released, and I released it. I'm feeling some shame and some disappointment in myself, but I also feel inspired to work towards my goal even more now, knowing where I can slip up. I just thought I'd let you guys know what I'm going through. Thanks for the support and encouragement.
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  8. supreme27

    supreme27 Fapstronaut

    Hallo lamabear,
    What works for me is always writing down how I feel just after it happened (the relapse), so it is something I go back when I need to remember the feeling of relapsing and how it can be much worse than the momentaneous pleasure. Also, it is a good moment for reflection and change. You can use wherever you are feeling now to make solid changes in your life and that is powerful.
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  9. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    It's a learning opportunity. What do you know now that you didn't know before (related to 'where you can slip up')?

    Is it something else, something different that could be released?
  10. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    Checking in... Day 30 of no MO. This is my longest celibacy streak since 2017 (around 120 days, which is my longest streak ever). Thanks guys for the inspiration! :)
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2020
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  11. lamabear

    lamabear Fapstronaut

    I notice I have a tendency to masturbate in the morning. It's also the time when I feel most depressed in the day, so it's easy for me to not think about the consequences and to go against my goals. I think just getting out of bed and starting my day can help me.

    I think what wants to be released is energy in my lower chakra. I'd love to move that energy elsewhere.
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  12. Hi Lamabear,

    Well done on updating your progress and also I rejoice in your motivation. The best thing now is to find the train of thought which eventually led to MO. Keep going backwards and see which point really led to the development of thoughts which made you MO. Keep track of the feelings as well as the activities you did. Was this boredom? Was it anger? Focus on the train of feelings.

    That way next time you can catch yourself early.
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  13. supreme27

    supreme27 Fapstronaut

    I cannot thank you enough for this post. I read last week, but since I started limiting my time online, I had not enough time to reply to you. My experience in trying to avoid looking or interact with girls was always a failure because the thoughts were always in my head. But now all the time I look at a girl I just remember that she could be a sister or a member of my family and then my "fear" is replaced with love. I also notice that after getting into the group I have better control over my wet dreams because part of my consciousness remembers me that I committed with you guys, it does not work always though, if I am in very deep sleep my control is next to nothing.
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  14. supreme27

    supreme27 Fapstronaut

    Hello guys. I live in Germany and the nude culture (Freikörperkultur) is very strong here. That means that if I go to a swimming pool, lake or sauna there will be a lot of naked girls, I avoid looking but the urge of my body and mind to look is immense, and even if I don't look or look accidentally my mind makes its own picture of them. Do you have any tips for this type of situation? I could avoid going to the saunas, but since I am a swimmer there is no way I can avoid going to the lakes and swimming pools.
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  15. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    I think this is a problem! I would avoid places like these entirely.

    Are there any places where there are less (or no) girls like these? I would try to find a suitable space to do the swimming practice without the unwanted sights.
  16. supreme27

    supreme27 Fapstronaut

    Not really. That is really strong in German culture. Some swimming pools have separate locker rooms but now (because of the Corona) we just have swimming pools open air (without locker rooms), so people change their clothes wherever it is more convenient. Thanks for your suggestion, I need to find a solution that at the same time would not compromise my training. In the end, the problem is within me, I will need to face it at some point.
    pancabalani likes this.
  17. Hello everyone, hope you are doing well. I'm doing well but recently I have experienced some fairly strong urges. I live by myself and without anyone monitoring me it is easy to fall into temptations. (I should have reminded myself that I have you guys holding me accountable, and hopefully that will make me stronger.) Last night I felt some fairly strong temptations. I tried to do some urge surfing in my mind, which helped, although the urge did not go away immediately. While this was happening, I kept reminding myself that the urge would always fade away (usually in less than half an hour) as long as we do not feed it. The urge eventually went away in half an hour or so. Now I feel very peaceful and am glad to have stayed strong.

    I have been quite busy doing school work recently. Hope you guys are also doing well and let's stay strong!
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  18. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    I see. That being the case, besides making an effort not to look at the girls, I would also keep in mind that there's an unattractive side as well. The human body exudes some nasty smells, sweat, pus, etc. that go along with the physical beauty. It's not that great! :)

    I'm curious to know what comments might have @Paranimmita on this.
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  19. pancabalani

    pancabalani Fapstronaut

    Good job! You can count on us :)
    a_new_chapter likes this.
  20. Yes. Pancabalani's response was great.
    A lot of the beauty of women (and men for women) is just exaggerated. We are not really missing out on anything.
    We have to be beyond giving up to see that there is nothing really to give up when we see the true nature of the body. Also the body does not belong to that person, its just made up of elements.
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