Cake; after the crisis

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by 0111zerozero11, Jan 23, 2019.

  1. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I do apologize...I have no clue what I could've possibly written so I'll have to go look. I get word vomit sometimes. 3 year olds are super awesome, but they aren't the best conversationalists. Real life peeps just don't get it. So, I just word vomit on you all :)

    What about a memoir AND a coffee table photography book of betrayal/addict with passages from the women/men affected by the addiction?

    Ok then, everybody. Cake just found her calling. Thanks @Faceplanter for that revelation. I'll mention you in the thank you section ;)
  2. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I am © this shit.

    For real.
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  3. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I see where I replied to your journal & it's all coming back to me.

    It was so bizarre because right before you posted that your wife was away at some depression thing, I'd written in my journal about how my ex's ignorant therapist suggested I go away to some trauma therapy center.

    Middle fingurrrs to her.

    Hope your wife is good now
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Ah, I get it now! I remember that part of your journal too then, but didn't make the connection

    She is doing better, liked the program she was at.

    Take care.
    Deleted Account likes this.
  5. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Putting together Valentine's for the babycakes party at "school" tomorrow. Alone. Thanking sweet baby Jesus I've always not given a shit about this day.

    I will miss the insincere card, probably not signed, the last minute shitty bouquet, & the attention I'd receive for at least 5 minutes.


  6. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    You know how I roll. Can't go to bed leaving this journal on Debby Downer status.

    Maybe I'll light my wedding dress on fire tomorrow.


    TryingHard2Change likes this.
  7. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Total fail, guys. Today was excruciating & I'm actually pretty taken aback by this. I really do dislike everything about this particular day.....I thought.

    First off, it's not even a real holiday. Not only is it not real, it's a shitty reminder to the single people that they are alone. Really? Do we need a day to spend money on gifts for the girl that you'll probably dump when the next best thing comes along? Shouldn't we show our love daily, or at least once a month? Can't we give random sweet love notes, candies, & half-dead flowers every month? We can, but most don't because life, right? We get busy. We get so freaking wrapped up in our own little existence we neglect our loved ones until this magical day comes around to "remind" you that you are in fact, wanted.

    So why has this stupid day caused me such sadness?

    My theory is because I am a hopeless romantic. I can't tell you how many years I've spent on this day telling myself over & over he is so gonna get it right this year; no way I'll get an unsigned card (apparently kids can keep you from signing cards, fyi *eyeroll*). Or the Oh, shit, he's ordered flowers last minute & now I'm going to have to summon my overjoyed wife face because how fucking thoughtful *another eyeroll*. I would get anxiety anticipating what I would receive because there was never any romance; no thought. It was robotic. I was a PC.

    Ok, then. I guess I didn't realize how much I just want(ed) to feel like I was loved. Like I was worth the effort....

    That's a tough pill to swallow when I think about it. I've obviously been shoving some shit regarding romance & love pretty deep down.

    At least I know what I won't accept moving forward.

    On a positive note, babycakes were the best Valentine's I could have asked for. Our trio had a heart shaped pizza & I listened to 3 year olds gossip about so & so crying because so & so wasn't in class today. As I sat & listened, with a stray tear rolling down my cheek at this pure innocence I witness daily, I was calmed by the unconditional love the 3 of us have for each other.

    That's more than I will ever need.

    But, romance, surprises, & companionship would be nice, too. Maybe in my next life.

    Off to go sob into my kids Valentine's candy.

    Enjoy your night, my friends. Remember how blessed you are, single or taken. & love unconditionally, daily.

  8. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Oh, hell yes.

    I'm down by the fire
    At the ocean side
    Just waiting for that underwater world to say good night
    Don't you hear that sound?
    From that tide and send
    They'll tell us to keep rowing and rowing if we can
    So I've learned to keep my head in this lazy wonderland
    Well you had to know
    That I had to know
    The tricks for us not to be found out
    There's a place we can go
    The trip is on but we can find a way
    Tonight we'll go
    Laughing all the way, my love
    Tomorrow we'll go
    Back in time to live today
    To all the men who ride
    In the morning light
    Lying stubborn at the ending of another lovely night
    And I've misplaced my mind, don't know how or why
    And when it wonders back I hope it's still a friend of mine
    Well you had to know
    That I had to know
    The tricks for us not to be found out
    And there's a place that we can go
    The trip is on but we can find a way
    Tonight we'll go
    Laughing all the way, my love
    Tomorrow we'll go
    Back in time to live today

  9. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

    Don't want to hijack your journal, but taking a page from your book, Cake, I offer these apropos song lyrics (from MY era). Singing this to myself all day:

    Gracie Slick -
    When the truth is found to be lies
    And all the joy within you dies
    Don't you want somebody to love?

    SCRATTTTCH!!!!! No thanks, Gracie

    Iggy Pop -
    Love, love, love...
    That's like hypnotizing chickens...
  10. Hahaha awesome
    0111zerozero11 likes this.
  11. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Still fucking pissed about getting pissed about v day.

    24 hours to myself starting tomorrow. Mothers need breaks, too.

    I wonder if I'll even move. I am so zapped of energy I could sleep for the entire 24 hours. Hibernate. I need it but would that start a depression?!?

    Where tf is my manual for life.

    It was drizzling on the day
    She asked me for divorce
    I told her of course
    What else do you say
    I drank for six days straight
    'Til gin came out my eyes
    I walked around backwards
    Trying to undo the times
    The sky spun so fast
    My stomach split
    And I dreamed of the day
    I wouldn't remember this
    It's been this way since I was born
    I'm gon' remember what I want to
    I create
    It's been this way since I was born
    So please leave me alone
    It was shining on the day
    We climbed into the oak
    You offered me a smoke
    What else do you say
    When you're only twenty two
    Nothing to do all day
    We laughed about megafauna
    And listened to Madonna
    Your hips were on my jawline
    Like the first heat of summer
    The sky spun so fast
    It was a bliss
    And I prayed for the day
    I would remember this
    It's been this way since I was born
    I'm gon' remember what I want to
    I create
    It's been this way since I was born
    So please leave me alone
    Strength And Light likes this.
  12. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Grieving has got to be the worst stage of all stages. You tackle steps 1-infinity & then there's that fucking wall you didn't see coming. It says girl, you're in for some shit on it.

    Lonliness doesn't even scratch the top of what it's like going through divorce AND realizing your whole marriage was a giant lie.

    There are so many things to take for granted when you do have a spouse. Someone to share an inside joke with, (kind of) take care of you when you're sick, & get a hug from 8/10 when it's needed. Platonic hugs are fulfilling but not quite the same as ones from someone you've shared everything with & devoted your life to.

    But, what if all of the above that I received as a wife wasn't actually given out of love? What if it was out of obligation to keep the wifey happy to maintain the status quo while deception was going on? Does it even matter at this point if I get an answer?

    Why does the shittiest stage take the longest to get over? Am I somehow pushing away some deep feelings, hindering progress? What am I even grieving???

    I'm talking in circles now & confusing even myself.

    Do not do to your partners what I've had done to me. It is hell on earth.

    Just be honest. It will get you so much farther.

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  13. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    A song came on my playlist today that I've never heard; The Crane Wife 3. It caught my attention, both the title & the actual song, so I did what I do & searched it. The story behind it is one of my best rabbit hole finds to date.

    The Crane Wife (A Tale From Japan)

    Once upon a time, there lived a sailmaker. Yasuko, for that was his name, lived high above the sea, and all his life he had looked out upon a marsh below where hundreds of cranes gathered each summer and fall. He loved the sight of these stately white creatures. They reminded him of sails, and when he worked at his loom, weaving his fabric, he imagined he was weaving crane feathers -- sleek and strong and beautiful.

    One evening, during the season of storms, Yasuko heard something crash against his door. When he opened it, he was startled to see a crane lying upon his doorstep, stunned and near death.

    He carried the poor creature inside, lay it by the fire, and carefully spread its crumpled wings out to dry. He tended to his wounded crane for many days, and when at last the bird's strength returned, he took it outside and set it free. It quickly flew away.

    Yasuko was surprised by how lonely he felt when the crane was gone. It was then he realized that he wished for a wife, and now, when he looked out at the cranes gathered together, he envied them for their companionship. He began to dream of a day when he too would have a companion.

    Time passed, and then one night a beautiful young woman appeared at his door. She stood shivering in the evening wind, for her clothes were made of the thinnest material -- material like the fabric Yasuko worked at his loom. "Could you let me inside," the woman begged. "It's growing cold out here."

    Yasuko warmly welcomed her inside and offered her a bowl of soup and the warmth of his fire. They sat together all evening, talking.

    Her name, she said, was Naoko. Yasuko was entranced by her sweet voice, and her gentleness and beauty soon won his heart. "Please stay here with me," he asked.

    She looked up at him with glistening eyes and said, "I will."

    "Would you be my wife?" he asked shyly. "I will care for you, though I am only a poor sailmaker."

    "Yes," she said softly, "and Yasuko, I can help you."

    "No, no, you need not help me," he said, but Naoko was insistent. "A wife must help her husband as she can," she said, and though he claimed that all was well, after a while she saw how very poor he was.

    "Let me weave a magic sail for you," she said one night.

    "What do you mean?" he asked.

    "Ask me no questions, dear husband. Leave me with your loom tonight, but promise me one thing. You will never look at me while I am at work. Will you promise?"

    "I will," Yasuko said, and he swore never to break this promise.

    That night he went to sleep to the sound of the shuttles' click and the slide of the loom. When he woke, Naoko stood beside him holding a sail that weighed no more than a single feather yet had the strength of a sail 50 times its weight. And when Yasuko lifted it, he heard the wind in the folds.

    "Naoko, you have woven the wind into this sail," he said.

    She smiled, and he could see that she was tired, so he put her to sleep while he ran to the harbor to sell the sail. He earned more gold than he had ever earned, and he ran home to celebrate with his beloved.

    Time passed, and the cranes returned to the marsh. One night Yasuko spied his wife staring longingly down at them. "They are lovely creatures, aren't they?" he whispered, but Naoko seemed transfixed and did not speak.

    One day, not long afterward, a man knocked at their door. When Yasuko saw him, he recognized him as a famous sea captain, and he was amazed to see such an important man at his door. "Yasuko," said the captain, "I have seen the magic sail you made. I need to have one just like that. Make me such a sail, and I will give you enough gold to last you a lifetime. Never again will you be poor."

    Yasuko ran at once to Naoko, but when he told her the news, she bowed her head. "My husband, do not ask this of me," she asked in a low voice. "The sail took everything from me last time. I fear what might happen to me if I make another."

    "But my wife," Yasuko begged, "we would have a lifetime's gold. We will never want for anything." He pleaded for so long that Naoko at last slipped behind the shoji screen and set to work. "Remember, you must not look," she called to him.

    While she worked, he paced restlessly on the deck, looking down at the ship in the harbor.

    One whole day passed, and finally Yasuko asked, "Naoko, are you finished yet?" When she did not answer, he continued to pace through the night. At dawn he asked again, and again she did not answer. In this way three days passed.

    "Naoko, what are you doing?" Yasuko called on the third day. "Do you need something?" he asked, but when he heard no answer, he could not bear the suspense any longer. Besides, he thought, if he could learn his wife's magic trick, he would not have to ask her to work. He too could weave the magic sails.

    He quietly tiptoed up to the screen and peered between the sliding doors. When he saw what was there, he gasped in horror.

    A long beak, dark black eyes -- this was the face that turned to him. There stood the crane he had saved in the storm. "Naoko, stop," he cried when he saw that she was weaving her own feathers into the sail.

    But the black eyes filled with tears, and without a word, she raised her tattered wings. Lifting herself with difficulty, she flew out the window, disappearing into the clouds.

    Yasuko never saw her again. And through the long years after, he wove his sails and watched the cranes below, always waiting and hoping to hear his wife's voice once more.

    TryingHard2Change and Trappist like this.
  14. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    I was reading my journals as a bedtime story & can't believe I missed this...

    The universe, I'm telling you. I really needed to see this at this very moment in my life.

    So, thx for the hidden gem that will get me to tomorrow.

    I feel like I found $5 in the drier :)
  15. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.

  16. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    There is not a day that goes by when I'm not asking myself at least a dozen times how I'm going to make it. A dozen more how did you make its intermittently show up, as well. How have I made it & how will I continue to make it?

    The rival to resilience is depression. Each take energy as one is transforming into this belief of themselves, whether it be succumbing to believing you are destined to a life of misfortune or the opposite, believing you are here for a reason & will persevere through anything. Why do certain people become resilient, living a life of fortitude & others get eaten alive by darkness? What kind of event, if any, needs to set a person down either of these paths? Are we inherently prone to either of these paths?

    I don't know.

    I know I have had 2 traumatic experiences in my life, with a 3rd on its way. There have been other things I would consider as being semi-traumatic, such as being told I could possibly never have my own biological children (thanks to God & science I was able) & having a narcissistic biological father (thanks to God & my mother, I was moved away from him & the kindest soul & best role model took his position).

    I fully believe my first traumatic experience was the catalyst to my resilience. Whether I had that resilience prior somewhere hidden is unknown. This experience made me question everything I knew about life, God, & our purpose here as humans.

    In my 20's I had the most awesome job, simply because it was with a small, family owned business. My co-workers & I were pretty close; taking ciggie breaks together while solving the world's problems, going out after work to the local dive, and many, many hours spent after work having office hangouts.

    I was in long sleeves & jeans & I vaguely recall snow; must've been winter. I worked in the front office w/ a couple of other women & the owners. Down the hall & through the door was the warehouse, where around 20 men worked. They ranged in age & background, each with their own stories.

    It was the end of the day at work & the girls & I up front were gossiping about something, I'm sure. As I replay this in mind, I remember the warehouse manager suddenly appearing at my desk, in shock. I didn't realize he was in shock at the time but it is so very clear looking back on it now. He could barely get the words out to call 911. I just stared at him & asked what/why a couple of times before it became apparent I really did need to call.

    Freddy has collapsed in my office & won't wake up. I put paper towels under his head.
    After some time, that's all I've retained from that exchange, along with I don't know if he's breathing. I picked up the phone & pressed 9-1-1 for the 1st time ever in my life. I was terrified. The operator calmly asked me questions to which most I replied I don't know. Then came a question I did know the answer to; does anyone there know CPR?

    I was certified in it. For what felt like an eternity, my conscious had a little debate regarding letting it be known I was the only person who knew CPR in that entire building. I legit considered keeping it to myself but as a child I've always assumed people could read my thoughts (projection) & convinced myself this operator knew I knew my CPR. My conscious & fear of this random operator reading my mind prompted me to drop/hand off the phone & run to the warehouse.

    There lay one of my co-workers; an old man that smoked at least 2 packs a day, always a story to tell & a smile on his face. He had a wife he always talked about, children, & grandchildren. There were at least 10 male warehouse workers just standing around him, not doing a damn thing; helpless & scared, I'm sure. Running into that situation I didn't see those guys as scared & helpless. I saw them as weak & I hate that. I screamed at them, why in the fuck are you all just standing here; do something! But, they didn't move. I knelt next to this man, a man I'd worked with for 3 years. I became a robot, methodically doing each step as I'd learned it. I didn't think; I just did.

    I became a robot, counting compressions in my head & silently cussing the ambulance that was taking forever. Then I broke his rib. The feeling of that moment physically & mentally stays with me to this day.

    Although he wasn't breathing when I started CPR, I thought I'd killed him by breaking his rib with compressions. That rib punctured his heart, I just knew it. Still, I carried on, counting silently in my head, watching the clock because what else could I do but keep trying?

    After 15 minutes of this, the saviors of life arrived & off he went on a stretcher. I went back to my desk, put my head in my hands & prayed while my co-workers stared at me, not knowing what to say. I felt like a freak that killed Freddy. I heard someone ask outloud why the ambulance hadn't left yet. I glanced at the clock again, 10 minutes had passed since they'd taken him. If he was alive, they'd be gone by now.

    I realized then that I didn't save him & my God, was I gutted. I sobbed while the obligatory you did everything you could was heard every once in awhile.

    His family wrote me the kindest thank you card that I still have to this day. They thanked me for being the only person to try. They asked me not to blame myself, that God was calling him home. They told me they are thankful for me & proud of me.

    That card & a lot of therapy got me through that experience. This was the one God knew I needed to prepare myself for the 2nd trauma (betrayal) & the 3rd (my mothers impending death).

    Was I resilient before this? Probably. If I weren't, I wouldn't have done CPR in the first place. This leads me to believe that we are all resilient. Some are put through uncontrollable situations that make that resilience stronger, sooner than others. I know for a fact you all have been or will go through at least one experience in life that tests your fortitude. Trust in God & know that you are capable of being strong. Your strength lies within you.

    Thx @daemonswithin for the thought inspiration on fortitude :)

  17. Wow..just wow.

    Thanks for sharing your story...really amazing.
  18. 0111zerozero11

    0111zerozero11 Fapstronaut

    Felt good to get out :)
  19. Strength And Light

    Strength And Light Fapstronaut

    Amazing share. Thank you. I immediately thought of your old screen name: Worthless In An Emergency. I hope it was just eerie coincidence and not an indication of what you truly believe about yourself. I’ll take a broken rib and someone trying vs anyone standing around if it were me. This man was no different.
  20. That was an incredible story. You demonstrated maximum strength and courage by stepping in when nobody else would. I know you're experiencing so much difficulty with more yet to come, but I have no doubt you'll make it through. Whenever I read your banter with Max and S&L it always makes me feel good. I think how awesome it is that you're one of those people who can find moments of joy in the midst of your struggles. Just like courage isn't defined by the absence of fear but by taking action in spite of it, I see fortitude in the same light. It's continuing on and making the best choices you can for you and your children in spite of present and future trauma. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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