Cams and love

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Timeforachange90, Mar 12, 2019.

  1. Timeforachange90

    Timeforachange90 Fapstronaut

    I've been a cam addict for about 4 years now. I've given up a couple of times and come on here and it was helpful - thanks to anyone who interacted with me here. Maybe something has changed with the site but when I came back this time I didn't find any encouraging voices when I posted. I realise not everyone can take the time to reply but usually someone did and this is why I come here if I'm trying to quit. You need encouragment. Last time I gave up I stayed on for quite a while trying to encourage others who had joined and were looking for help. I guess I'm just putting it out there that we all need to not just post our own stuff but comment back when others do too - it helps hugely especially if you're just starting. You can fall off the wagon so easily, whatever wagon you've hitched to, so lets help each other.
    One thing I realised with my cam addiction as it went on, was that it wasn't really as sexual as I had thought. I found myself spending longer chatting to models and being nice to them, getting them to tell me what a great guy I was because I wasn't like all the others ordering them around for pure sexual gratification. I seemed like a decent guy just there for a chat, but ultimately I wanted to build more of a relationship and then get that excitement again, the rush of the forbidden. Once we had built a relationship then the sexual element had more of a frisson if and when it came. It would be more real, more exciting and thrilling. Like a drug, chasing the first joyous hit and all the adrenalin fueled excitement that comes with it.
    I was doing this so much that I began to realise that I was starting to fall for one of the models. We got on really well, and I started to feel like a teenager in love around her. I knew this was wrong. I have a wife and two kids - what the fuck am I doing. I felt like I was living in two worlds and it was starting to mess me up. I am a habitual dreamer and I liked the fantasy that I could leave everything, fly to Ukraine and rescue this woman of my dreams and make her dreams come true too.
    But I also know that she is just playing along, and this is complete fantasy. But I feel loved. And I like that feeling. Because I'm not letting it into my own life. So I quit. I closed the account gave the girl my remaining credit and cut all ties to the cams. Again.
    Now its been about a week or so. I've gone back to my therapist and I am trying to let love back into my life. Trying to see it clearly again to rid myself of the numbness that drives me to places like this. It's not easy and its pretty abstract and tangental sometimes. But I'm trying and this time I feel like I am going to do better. I'm going to try and walk around that hole every time I see it instead of falling down it. And I'd like to do it with the help of others. And I'll do my best to help you too if I can.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and let me know if you've gone through something similar. It would be a huge help.
  2. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    The problem with getting comments on your post is that if time passes and no one comments, then its not on the first page anymore and unless people have their filter set to something different than the most recent posts, people just don't see it.

    Anyway, about your issue, I'm sorry to see that things have gone this far. But the good news is that obviously its never too late to make improvements and start your sexual sobriety and recovery work! I haven't ever gotten involved with webcams, but I definitely took enormous risk with looking for porn (or as close to it as I could access) on work computers, our home desktop computer, laptop computers, in my college classes, and anywhere else I thought I could get away with. I got caught a few times at work, but mostly when I was caught, it was by my wife.

    If I may ask, what kind of recovery work are you doing now? I go to weekly SA meetings, I have regular appointments with my CSAT, and I (try to remember to) call my SA sponsor daily. I watch recovery videos on youtube, specifically the Affair Recovery channel, I have some audio books on my phone I listen to, and I also work in the Patrick Carnes workbook for sexual addiction.
  3. bluesky71

    bluesky71 Fapstronaut

    Good job on closing the account. I started a thread about my experiences with the cams a few days ago....mine went farther than yours and I really messed things up in my life. The models will give you a false sense of intimacy, and what you see on cam is not how they are off camera—at least in my experience.
    FX-05 likes this.
  4. Yeah, I did this, too. I didn't want to be the kind of guy that just told them to take their clothes off -- I wanted to get to know them and hear their stories first, like I was a friend. In some cases I actually genuinely believe there was some semblance of a friendship there, but ultimately these girls are doing a job. That's not a slight against them -- I think a lot of camgirls are genuinely good, kind, honest people -- but it's still a job.

    I could have cleared my entire university fees if I'd have put a stop to my addiction a year or so ago, and I now deeply, deeply regret how much cash I wasted. But it all transpired from loneliness, I think -- at times my addiction was sexually charged, but more than anything I just wanted friends. Pathetic, really.

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