Can’t finish with partner, only by myself

I

Ikeaflatpack

New Fapstronaut
Been with my partner long term and discussing taking things to next level but fear it because in all our time I’ve never finished from sex or anything related, it always has to be me making the finishing moves.

is there any help or advice? I’m new so just learning about reboot and going to seriously try and nofap
 
Does that fear make you think things aren't right with your partner? I imagine you are asking yourself a lot of questions on what is going on right now. This is a great place to express your thoughts and feelings on all of this, and it's something that must be done to successfully abstain from Porn.

I do know that habitually fapping can cause Delayed Ejaculation, it can affect the your sensitivity. Have you ever tried to abstain from Porn, Masturbation, and orgasm before (PMO)? If not I suggest trying it. A 10 to 14 day streak will probably make it much easier for you to finish. If you have more extensive sensitivity issues it may take longer I'm not really sure there. Some here talk about the Death Grip that can cause a loss in sensitivity.

Another thing that PMO can cause that you may or may not have experienced, is that it can affect the connection between you and your partner. I sure haven't even experienced all the changes yet, but I can see what it has caused now between my wife and I. Many people talk about this here for both the P user and the partner. I think if we use PMO quite often we can become dulled out emotional versions of ourselves and maybe not even realize it. Something we may not always realize is the connection between physical sex and the emotional and spiritual parts. If we lack those we may ask ourselves why the physical part seems to not quite be like we thought.

Glad you are here.
 
Warfman said:
Does that fear make you think things aren't right with your partner?

things are great with my partner, she’s very understanding, I had a long phase of not settling down and frequent hook ups. Which in turn I feel doesn’t help me now.

I know the problem is entirely in myself and I’m hoping cutting out the problem will help me see improvements!
Click to expand...
 
You’re going to have to cut back on the porn, masturbation and orgasm outside of sex with your partner to get back to be able to finish.
  • Consider installing filters on your devices that a friend or partner manages for you
  • Look deeply at why you use porn and then devise a plan for what could have stopped you from PMO in that situation; write it down and then start practicing it
  • Look at the emotional reasons why you use porn and start trying to understand how you can take care of yourself so that you don’t need porn as much (exercise, meditation, self reflection, productivity)
  • Know why you’re doing this. A healthy sex life is part of it, but there’s likely other ways that PMO is affecting your life and you would be better off stopping it. Write those down in order of importance and consistently reflect on these.
Just some helpful ideas to get you started.
 

Sorry I missed your response because it for some reason is within the quote!

That's good if you want to make changes. If you want to start abstaining there are things you'll have to work on. First what triggers you to PMO? This can take quite a bit of time even to identify, journaling and writing these things down really helps. So many of us use P as a way to cope with things and we don't even realize it. It's can be a security blanket to make us gloss over all sorts of stuff. Even after a relapse it's a great opportunity to take note of how you feel in those moments, and assess what happened so that the next time you can be more prepared to respond to those impulses in healthy ways.

Do you have any experience understanding what causes you to want to go PMO?

I think most of us deal natural sexual desires and have a hard time differentiating Porn from sex. For me the key for addressing this is a mindset shift that Porn is not real sex. Even if we try and convince ourselves that it is, and even though it makes us feel good in the moment, it can actually be quite damaging to our lives.

Once you have a handle on that you can start actively understanding the cycles of your urges. For me I started realizing how my PMO addiction was rooted in all sorts of habits that I would just instantly use PMO to cope with. Stopping the habits unfortunately takes a lot of time and repetitive self talk. When those urges hit hard it's so much easier just to give into our whims and emotions than to fight them.

Keep in mind the chaser effect, which can happen after having sex with your partner. Your body is used to orgasming daily, so when you don't give it that, a normal healthy sexual encounter will feel similar as an actual relapse and your body will beg for it again. This can also happen after a relapse, where you relapse once and then your body hits off the sirens wanting it again and again.

The good news is for me anyway that things do get better, especially after passing the 10 to 14 day mark. I'll be honest at first making it that far was insanely hard and feels like it's an unsurmountable feat to get any further. But it's doable, especially after you've repeatedly made it past a certain milestone, it becomes much easier to get back to that same amount after relapse as long as we don't sink too deep into the addiction and ruin the progress that is made.
 
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