Can anyone relate?

As an SO , MAKE THE TIME !! talk talk talk . Sounds simple , but when the PA is talking , like REALLY talking , it shows changes are happening. Video series “ How to Help Her Heal “ by Dr Weiss . Maybe you don’t know the depth of what she’s feeling , even if she says it . To hear it out loud from someone else in the way he says it , I think is a game changer . I wish we found these videos DDAY . I was stuffing a lot down so he wouldn’t feel worse and get triggered. That didn’t help me heal . You BOTH have to make the time to TALK .

 

My ex was an addict, and he had a huge issue with guilt over what he did and feeling like a failure. You know what guilt does, it throws you back into the addiction. I know these feelings hurt, I know that seeing her hurt hurts, but you have to push through these feelings, many of which you have been pushing down for years. If you push through them and deal with them, you will leave them in the past. If you keep trying not to feel them, they will compound and follow you around for the rest of your life. Please don’t take offense with this but I do not think the reason you don’t discuss things with your wife is because you don’t have time, I think it’s because you do not want to do it because it hurts, and so you are making excuses to her and to yourself. We make time for what’s important, this is important. As I have told addicts in early recovery a lot on here it’s going to take her a very long time to get past this, a lot longer than you will ever imagine. Your instinct is going to be to try to rush things and move on so you can stop your own but you can’t. This will occur at her pace and on her terms. Making her read NoFap may help but the solution comes from you not NoFap. Get into couples counseling and individual counseling. You may have underlying depression that you have self medicated for years with PMO.

But most importantly show her you have changed and are 100 open and honest and the ogling you gotta stop that right now. I don’t care what it takes.

 

First, make time.
Second, how did feeling like a failure influence how much you wanted (or want) porn?

 

There is so much importance in being able to step outside yourself to see how your actions effect your SO, family, friends etc. Once you do this repeatedly, you will start to consider these side effects before making decisions rather than regretting them afterwards. It's a process and unfortunately there are no shortcuts to the permanence repetition provides.

However...

You have to stop the negative self talk. IMMEDIATELY! There is no benefit to this, absolutely none. You understand what you've done to this point was wrong and you've started to realize the effects of your actions on those in your life. Great! Now you have to let it go to some degree. If you cannot forgive yourself for the mistakes of your past then you will never move forward; in your life or your relationship.

I feel like such a failure and then I know being/feeling like this, in turn, doesn't help her

Correct! It doesn't help her and it doesn't help you. So why do you continue to do it? I know that sounds basic or a simple assertion but man, its the road to change. You have to decide the person you want to be down the road and start being it TODAY!

Commit to it. At all costs. You WILL feel better down the line, just give yourself the chance to get there. You can do it!