Can I ever use again?

Honestly, i dont know, but my instinct is no. We are addicts and whether its one year or three years, going down that road is risky and slippery. Also from what ive learned from many other success stories is that we cant go into this thinking "one day ill be able to pmo again". We have to completely rid it from our minds or it will always fester there until it manifests in a relapse.....Sorry if i sound preachy with my sad 3 day streak, but thats my opinion.

"When life seems like an uphill struggle, just think of the view from the top"

 

There are people who can drink wine (for taste and blah blah blah) and not over do it. Then there are people who overdue it and lose it (balance in reality in general). I was the latter and by reading your post you are as well (pertaining to PMO of course). I used that analogy to compare drug addiction to PMO addiction. Please, take it from someone who has been where you are now. Do not continue to PMO (easier said than done right) but when you do manage to recover. Dont ever fall back into the habit. Dont let it (addiction) convince you that it is ok to PMO every once in awhile because you will fall back into that "mental meltdown mess" situation. Whenever you get to the point where porn, masturbation, and any orgasm related to it (pmo addiction) are gone from your life, keep it that way. Anything else trying to convince you into that old "lifestyle" is the addiction talking. Good luck to you my friend!

 

When I relapse I don’t go on binges or the sort. The thing that scares me the most is the withdrawal. The ‘clock’ so to speak resets every time I relapse and has kept me in a void like state since I started in 2012. Now I’m feeling progress but at the cost of never watching it again.

 

Never watching it again is the goal. Life is much better when we don't convince ourselves that something like porn is real. Real relationships are better. The instant gratification of porn is what poisons us. There is no benefit to it. So not watching it again is a great thing. Instead of a relapse counter, think of your counter as an ongoing victory to a previous life, a counter declaring that you've overcome a battle, something you can be proud of. Use it to motivate you to keep getting better. 196 days is really impressive. Keep it up!