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Can I still have sex with my wife during a reboot?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by jasonofap, Oct 6, 2020.

  1. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    My goal is to stop PM but two things have happened:
    1. My wife wants to have more sex, which is great and I want to give it to her, I'm just scared about whether I can perform well enough without the porn helping me out...
    2. I've had some "leaks" from not having M'ed for a while. It's like a mini O just for a few seconds when it comes out. Is this normal? Am I doing this all wrong? Any advice would be great.
    I was reading around and I am so grateful to this community already. Thank you!
     
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2020
  2. SunGazer

    SunGazer Fapstronaut

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    How is porn helping you out? If anything I feel like it's a detriment to real sex, especially in a marriage.
     
  3. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    It helps to get into the 'mood' - mental preparation and I guess, to some degree, physical prep too. I M but without O earlier in the day a few times to ensure that when I have sex, it will work well for my wife. That's the advantage I guess? But I'm trying to change this!!! I'd like to spend all my time with my wife and none with PM!
     
  4. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Have you ever wondered why you need help to get in the mood to have sex with your wife?
     
    Ahiphena likes this.
  5. Anakin66

    Anakin66 Fapstronaut

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    The leaks are normal.
    You'll probably get wet dreams of you don't PM and don't have sex for at least a month.

    My advice is to cut out the PM at all times.
    Have sex with your wife without M before as a prep tool.

    The aim is to restore your actions to a time when the world was not saturated with porn and hypersexualized media.

    If you weren't born during this time (before the 80s in my country), then this becomes an extra hurdle. But it can be done. Strong will and strong imagination is required.

    Go for it!
     
  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    @jasonofap
    1- that's great! do it with her as much as both of you want. if it doesn't go very well always look at it with positivity and that is going to be a lot better in the future. if you don't stress about it she is not going to stress about it and you are going to be fine.
    2- Yes, is normal. after a lot of fapping, when you stop doing it for a long time the body need to renewal the semen so the old one is reabsorbed to the body but some is expelled like this or with wet dreams.
     
  7. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the encouragement! I think this is the part I'm struggling with a bit but that's why I am here.
     
  8. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    1) this is my goal, I'm just so nervous about it for some reason - thanks though
    2) makes sense, I didn't think about that. It happens at the most awkward times though, i was shopping the other day and well.. ya but I guess it's unavoidable. Do you know how long this will last?
     
  9. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    As much as you keep retaining semen.
     
  10. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    So someone else mentioned semen retention to me, I'm not sure I understand this or how to have sex without the semen bit..? I'm probably not aware of something bigger in all this, can you clarify pls?
     
  11. Ahiphena

    Ahiphena Fapstronaut

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    Semen retention is the process of retaining semen for spiritual or physical benefits. Basically no ejaculation under any circumstances, not even involuntary.
    I might piss some people off, but unless you're trying to be an ascetic, I wouldn't worry about it. You're married, sex is a natural consequence of that.
     
    FearMyDiscipline likes this.
  12. jasonofap

    jasonofap Fapstronaut

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    Thanks, this helps. I just didn't want to have to sit and explain why my wife would have to also suffer through nofap if I'm the one with the PM problem. Thanks
     
  13. Reverent

    Reverent Fapstronaut

    These two statements make me suppose you are edging. While technically not Porn, you are still seeking indulgences that promote the dopemine hit and stimulate your sexual arousal. It's denial, kidding ourselves that we aren't acting out. Our brain doesn't know the difference from porn induced dopemine or Lust/Fantasy/Edging induced dopemine. It's all the same chemical and the neuro pathways troddened from sex to pleasure are actively the same. These experiences are avoidable if we are mindfully in control.

    Suffer through NoFap? Are you suffering? That is probably the wrong attitude for success.
    Also for clarification your PM problem is her problem. We don't get to compartmentalize the effects we have on people or relationships to control the outcomes. It's so easy to become heroic and save our spouses from pain, when really we are keeping them from reality so we don't have to fully admit the shame. It's always about self preservation, the difficult truths is this is hard and messy.

    Anyway I wish you the best of luck. It will be interesting to see how this journey unfolds for you. Take care.
     
    used19 and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  14. used19

    used19 Fapstronaut

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    Really heed this. Hiding pmo is not saving a spouse from pain - it's storing it up so that it becomes one nuclear bomb of pain. Not to mention that hiding ANYTHING prevents you from having real intimacy. Pmo can cause even the best husband to be a real jerk at times. My husband acted "perfect" at home - so helpful, devout catholic, great father, etc. But doing pmo caused him to hold back his emotions, to not share, to hold in stress, to be angry and irritable. All of this caused me pain even when I wasn't aware that something worse was causing it.

    I think the best way to NOT hurt your wife here is for her (I assume she knows about all of this?) to understand how your body needs to reset, how your brain needs to heal. As a wife I would be horribly offended if my husband had to edge to be able to have sex with me. I'd rather not have it at all then know that other women (or other porn) had to get him hard enough to be able to be with me. I think you will do her a lot more damage if you go that route. Might be easier to go cold and ride out the withdrawal and flatline. You could also think about looking into karezza or just giving her pleasure until your end comes back online enough. The goal of sex in a marriage is not orgasm - yeah it's a great perk to it. Fulfilling marital sex should be borne of connecting so deeply emotionally that the physical is a fruit of that bond. It becomes not about taking or meeting the end but about wanting to be with each other and give pleasure, to feel loved.
     
    Reverent and Psalm27:1my light like this.

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