Can Men and Women Just Be Friends?

Okay now I get it.

 

OMG......that must be a bit embarrassing....

 

I've been thinking about this topic recently and thought I'd vent my thoughts.

I do believe men and women can be just friends, but I also think it's complicated and potentially emotionally dangerous.

Most of the time one friend will end up catching feelings for the other. Usually the uglier of the two. If both friends are equal in attractiveness, then usually one or both will catch feelings for the other eventually.

This isn't always the case. Obviously, asexuals and homesexuals are excluded. And there may be some rare friends who never catch feelings for each other.

But for the majority, feelings will enter the picture at some point, so how do you remain just friends in that situation?

Well, for the friend who's caught the feelings, I believe it's effectively a case of mind over matter. To me, the sexual impulse is just another drug we get addicted to. If it's possible to free ourselves from our addictions to every other drug, then it's possible with sex too. Sex is just like sugar. Our body craves it, but our mind know's better, and with discipline, we retrain our minds, until we crave healthy food instead of sugar. Today, when people offer me sugar, I'm not even tempted, because I value health so much more. So I believe sex behaves effectively the same, only it's a much stronger drug.

So, if I'm the friend who's caught feelings, I basically cut the sexual option from my mind entirely, with 110% conviction. I consider myself asexual, incapable of romance. It's not even an option. All females are sisters and I exist purely in a platonic realm. And I do this, with absolute 110% conviction, because I know that love is a trick of nature and I know that celibacy is the higher path.

With 110% conviction, it's easy for men and women to be friends.

The problem is, 110% conviction is hard and the sexual impulse is sly and stealthy.

Where is the line between close friendship and romantic connection? That's the danger area.

With same sex friends, friendship is like playing in a disarmed tank. They can get as close as they want to each other and there's no real danger.
With opposite sex friends, friendship is like playing in a live tank. They need to tread much more carefully, and those around them will feel uneasy.

If the two friends agree to keep their friendship at a certain distance, sacrificing closeness for close enough, then this might be a possible solution.

So, with conviction and caution I believe men and women can be friends.

But I'm also wary of the many great celibacy and brahmacharya teachers I've read who all strongly urge against male/female friendships. If greater minds than mine have concluded this, then I should consider it seriously.

The reason I currently disagree with them is twofold;

1. With any rule for life, I like to universalise it, to imagine it applied to the whole world, and what kind of ideal world would it be where men and women have to live segregated lives? For me, the ideal is a world where men and women are disciplined enough to see past their impulses, and thus, able to live like brothers and sisters.

2. I know of two ways to overcome an addiction. Take chocolate, for example. One is to never buy chocolate, never walk down the chocolate aisle, never allow yourself to think about chocolate. But the other is to buy a big bag of your favourite chocolate, open it on your desk, and then resist it, and this latter way I believe is the most effective, because it's in the act of resisting and overcoming that you build your discipine muscles the strongest. A man being friends with a female he has feelings for is like being invited to the greatest university in the world. He'll learn very fast!

But I'm not sure society is ready to believe that men and women can be just friends. Especially the spouses of those friends!

So it's complicated, but with conviction and caution I believe it's possible.