Can this finally end please?

I watched porn again last night...
I've known about NoFap for 4 years now, and finally I'm joining this forum. I always thought I could just fix my addiction by myself. Looking back on 4 years of fruitless effort, that thought seems naïve, to put it lightly. I only once came close to 30 days back in 2016. I haven't even reached 20 days since and my addiction only got worse.

I first saw porn when I was just 11 years old. How could I have known that it would consume me? It must have had a big effect on me as a kid and I think it especially hindered my social development.
Here are some of the things I experienced as a result of my porn addiction:
-increasingly weird fetishes
-increasingly longer viewing time
-missing whole nights of sleep watching porn
-less attraction/interest in real women
-social anxiety, isolation and shame
-being distracted from studying
-not even enjoying sexuality anymore, but seeing it as a burden

I feel like my porn addiction and my social anxiety are creating a vicious cycle, where I run to porn to medicate my social isolation, which creates a fantasy world where I don't need to improve my social skills, which then of course results in more social isolation/anxiety. It has come to the point where I rarely meet friends, and I try not to talk to people when I'm outside.

This is not who I want to be. I want to be confident, clear-headed and sex-positive. I don't want to be suffering from addiction anymore. I don't want the fantasy anymore. I want to live in the real world, having real relationships with people!



P.S.: I already feel better having written this. Feels like I'm ending a toxic relationship.

 

Thanks for the replies! I was really tempted to go back to porn but you have given me motivation to stay on this path!

"Trying to help others is the key to helping yourself."
^^I like that. Words to live by.