Can trust ever exist again

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by GraceKelly, Sep 22, 2020.

  1. GraceKelly

    GraceKelly New Fapstronaut

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    About two years ago my husband was experiencing suicidal thoughts. After much discussion he disclosed it was alongside an addiction to pornography. A problem he’d claimed a year earlier he’d dealt with. Whilst shocked and upset I love him and wanted to move forward so booked us into couples counselling. Of course this was not the right place and my husband was recommended a specialist therapist which he started seeing. This led to him also joining SA which seemed to really help him.I truly saw a transformation in him as a person and have been so proud of his progress.

    Throughout our marriage he had struggled with ED. Once free from porn when we became intimate again the problem was totally resolved. Which on top of the obvious trust issues was quite upsetting as the ED had created some very challenging times when we were trying for a baby.

    I’ve tried to be supportive through the whole process. I’ve stayed with him not knowing if I would trust him again. I’ve always said to him I accept that he may relapse at some point. My only request was that if he did he would tell me. That I’d still be there for him but I needed him to be honest because it’s the only way I could truly know he’d turned a corner.

    Tonight after issues in the bedroom he admitted he’d turned to porn again. That his relapse has been 6 months long. I now am in turmoil as I honestly don’t think I can ever trust him again. He admitted had the ED not been an issue he probably would never have told me. It’s not the relapse it’s that he lied- again. In my heart I want to say- well at least he told you but my head says he’s going to keep doing it to you for the rest of your life. How do I get past that. There’s times in that 6 months where he’s acted as if I were crazy for suggesting things in the bedroom were a little off again.

    The worst thing was I knew it was coming. He’d stopped going to his weekly meetings and doing his daily charts etc. I could have bugged him to but frankly I don’t think that’s something I should have to do.

    Where do we go from here- can I ever trust him again? Because it feels like he’s just going to keep lying to me for the rest of our lives. I’ve told him he can stay- but honestly that’s only because our son would be devastated if I kicked him out.
     

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  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    This exact thing happened to me. Only my husband only slipped once out of town so pied did not come back. But, he didn’t stop going to group, He continued talking to his accountability partners, he continued his recovery program. But I knew something was off. So rather than confront him, I sat down one day and told him what his lying did to me. How, your brain and body knows but because there are no “ clues” or evidence, it makes you not trust yourself. How you want so badly to trust and believe, that you basically lie to yourself. Lies like “ you have trust issues, this is because of past experience”. I then told him, that once again I’m having nightmares. Can’t sleep. Stomach upset. That I literally have no proof that anything is wrong but my body is screaming “ something’s wrong”. He admitted to relapsing and because he was lying, he was now struggling. When I talked to my csat, she said when this happens you will never regain that trust again. The fracture to attachment is too much, and once they begin recovery but continue to lie, the result is never fully trusting them. Honestly, the best thing I got from his relapse, was the ability to finally trust myself. I will never trust him, but I trust me. Ironically, I think what he finally learned from this last relapse is you cannot recover while lying or hiding it. He was doing great up until that one lie. Then he struggled more and more in spite of group and counseling. They cannot recovery from this if they keep it a secret.
     
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  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I love the unicorn! And I know exactly how that happened because I’ve done it! Lol.
     
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  4. healingin2020

    healingin2020 New Fapstronaut

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    Hi, I'm new here and learning. What is a csat? I'm a spouse and trying to understand what I can do to get help for myself and my guy. Thanks
     
  5. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Certified sexual addiction specialist. A great resource for you is Bloom for women. A lot of great information for free.
     
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  6. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    I don't know that the trust will ever be repaired to 100%.
     
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  7. Real Roboin

    Real Roboin Fapstronaut

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    Not here, never again.
     
  8. healingin2020

    healingin2020 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing that site, it's been v helpful. Looking for any all things to learn as this is an area that I feel very lost in. We are just starting couples therapy this week and he will start his own individual therapy next month.
     
  9. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    The problem with this addiction (at least one that’s different than others) is that it is easy to hide it, unlike drugs or alcohol.

    Addicts carry a huge amount of guilt and shame b/c they can’t stop themselves, they hurt their partners and they live a lie (that everything is okay). The hardest thing for an addict to do is tell the truth. Until your husband can always be 100% about his addiction, his behavior, relapses and their consequences, he can’t begin to gain your trust. He has to do this, and he needs to go back to his meetings, do recovery work and probably the therapist too.

    it’s horrible that this hurts our partners, but as addicts we have to be 100% accountable for our actions.

    But remember to take care of you. Betrayal trauma is real and can do a lot of hurt. You can support him, but he has to do the work. Do what you need to for your own well being.
     
  10. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Can you see a csat alone? In my opinion this would be far more helpful/beneficial to you than couples counseling at this point. Until the addict is in recovery and has been clean, couples counseling isn’t going to do much good.
     
  11. InappropriateUsername

    InappropriateUsername Fapstronaut

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    I think that makes 100% sense.
     
  12. MountainInMyWay

    MountainInMyWay New Fapstronaut

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    This spoke to me so much - I feel I could have written it word for word. Thank you for posting it.

    Also, OP I’m so sorry for this heartbreaking situation. There are so many similarities in our stories/feelings.
     
  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Thank you! I think most of us have similar stories. I can honestly say that I wouldn’t change what I have gone through. It has made me strong. It has made me more empathetic. It has helped me protect my children! Very few moms understand how horrific pmo is. I talk openly with my kids and with other parents. I am who I am because of this experience and I really like me! I love my relationship with my kids and I believe I have that because I focused on them and myself when it was apparent my husband was not going to change. Now, 28 years later, I’m reaping huge benefits while my husband is looking back, eyes clear from addiction, and seeing the selfish child he was. He’s trying to play catch up/make up for years that he just wasn’t present for any of us.
     
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