Can you change my mind? I think NoFap is probably not for me

Discussion in 'Off-topic Discussion' started by Andy Dufresne, Aug 23, 2021.

  1. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    There’s no point me trying NoFap anymore, despite the costs. I should delete my account/focus fully on other things.


    And yes the fact I’m posting here means I have doubts about my doubts. This is a bit of a last ditch ‘cry for help’. Given I don’t usually post, it’s understandable if no one responds and I won’t take it personally. Brutal honesty welcome


    To be clear I’m not being negative about NoFap or it’s posters (quite the opposite). The fault, if any lies with me but I do just question if this forum is the place for me personally


    My reasoning is at the bottom


    Background


    My main objective for doing NoFap was to stop losing time to Porn and other ‘junk’ internet activity (youtube, social media, random shi*) and fully realise my potential in life. It’s not to to give up Masturbation (though have tried temporarily in order to reboot).


    That said I have tried Hard Mode and abstinence just from P&O and failed/relapsed many times, despite every rational reason in the world not to.


    Yesterday I completed a 15 day no PO streak while on holiday from work (between jobs) - but as soon as I was alone at home and faced with my responsibilities (work – new job), I couldn’t resist.


    I developed a toolkit to really look inward systematically at the events/triggers, emotions and thoughts (self-talk) which can lead me down this route and develop tactics (actions and self-talk) which will address each one (god there are so many).


    Reasons I think this may not be the place for me:

    · Whenever a streak is broken (which if applying the rules on this forum strictly means touching yourself or looking at an image for too long) it psychologically feels that all progress is lost (back to zero) which just demotivates me from starting again.

    · This is despite the natural (correct) responses. That “it’s an opportunity to learn from your mistakes” ….. “success is never linear” and …. “don’t make a bad situation worse with binging” etc. However the “0 days” on the day counter shouts much louder, especially to someone like me who needs a framework and is prone to black and white thinking. I don’t want to posting/looking up the exact same things on this forum in 2 years’ time and think that is the natural outcome at the moment

    · The only time I can reflect or journal is when I’m “at work” – I have a new job and fear I’ll need all my reserve energy to succeed on this

    · I’m trying for a child with my SO, so the ‘O’ part of PMO will be a pre-requisite J So maybe this is the worse time to be spending all my energy on this

    · Most people here advocate for “hard mode” – other modes are an afterthought. This is fine but I just don’t see how I have a hope in hell in completing this with all of the other challenges in life. Certainly not right now. I just want to give up the Porn, but few believe you can succeed at that if you don’t give up the MO too
     
    Dares Greeneye likes this.
  2. Then do it.

    The only big problem I can sense from your post is that you're too focused on us.
    And too little on you.
    Even in this request:
    You want me to change your mind? Why should you even consider my words?
    Who am I to tell you how to live your life?
    We're a community, and willing to help one another.
    But to help you to reach your goal, first you need to understand what your goal is.
    A lot of people want to just quit porn. You can reach them.
    A lot of people want to do hard mode. You can discuss with them, and see if this is for you.
    And if it is not. Why should you quit?
    You're willing to O for the best reason possible in my opinion.
    Why should you listen to a person who instead want to do celibacy for life?

    Both choices are respectable. Still, some made the former and others the latter.
    No winners or losers in choosing the team.
    Losers are the ones who quit what they're doing.

    If porn is affecting your life. Leave it.
    And we will help you to quit it by suggesting techniques.
    If you want to be more productive. Go to self-improvement section.
    And try to understand how to be a better worker.

    But if you do not know what you want.
    Well, it is something we can't help with.
     
  3. Blessedby TheMostHigh

    Blessedby TheMostHigh Fapstronaut

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    Just so you know if you’re trying to make a baby your sperm will be much healthier if you aren’t ejaculating frequently. Much more minerals etc will be stored up. You should save your seed only for trying to procreate. I bet it will only take 1 try if you retain for a month and then try when she’s most fertile.
     
  4. SickSicko

    SickSicko Fapstronaut

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    C'mon buddy, you fucking dig yourself out of a prison with a bloody rock hammer and crawled throught 500 yards of shit and came out clean on the other side.

    You just can't give up like that.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  5. Quezatolah

    Quezatolah Fapstronaut

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    People have overcome it without a community, you can definitely do it without this place.

    Also I don't see any strict rules here, the rules are what you make them for yourself. If you relapse it doesn't mean all progress is lost.

    Also there is never a right time to quit porn, don't listen to your addicted brain trying to negotiate with you.

    Notice how the brainwashing has led you to wanting to leave and at the same time convinced you to try at a different time.

    Imo you should stay and lurk around the sections of the forum, try to learn ways to deal with the urges, that's where the battle is won.

    You can do this.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  6. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for taking the time to reply. Your reply is both direct and honest but supportive too so thank you.
    Deep down I know all of what you say is true - I think I'm ok at looking inward forming my own independent views but lack conviction if I'm not getting these view 'corroborated' by others.
    I'm glad to say that my goals are clear but I was having doubts on whether they were the right ones. Yours and others' posts have helped me conclude that they are. In short my overall goals are to:
    * Fully attend to my responsibilities in life (work and family)
    * Maximise my productivity/use my energy efficiently
    * Be more present and less 'neurotic'
    * Let go of the 'guilt' of not using my time fully and being the best man I can be
    * Eventually reach a level of self actualisation....but first things first.

    The pre-requisites for this are to give up porn and general 'time wasters' (mostly online). MO in itself isn't an issue unless it becomes compulsive or obsessive. I typically keep this down to twice a week without P which I think is about right (once to twice a week).
    I'm also making a concerted effort to meditate 10 minutes a day - no results yet but only been going a couple of weeks
    I'll make more effort to reach out to other like minded people on this forum. Thank you!
     
    Dares Greeneye and fg4795 like this.
  7. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks - I had considered abstaining for periods of time for this reason but there isn't much trusted literature online supporting this. At best it indicates that the chances of conception start to reduce after a week of abstinence - have you seen any other sources suggesting a month is best? I suppose waiting a month and then trying a few days in a row would cover all bases :)
     
  8. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Haha thanks, I need to make another mini pick-axe and start chipping away again :)
     
  9. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks - I think I needed to hear all of this. You're right about the brain trying to negotiate, there's almost a self-destructive part of me which "wants" to fail - the "devil on the shoulder'.
    Having read around self improvement a lot, I know that most success is built on fairly mundane, small steps in the right direction and there will be set backs. Aiming for the 'perfect time' will inevitably mean never getting better (my rational brain knows this but my animal brain refuses to believe it!)
    I will take your advice and lurk around some of these sections :)
     
  10. Quezatolah

    Quezatolah Fapstronaut

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    Focus on the porn addiction recovery and the success stories, that's where you'll learn most.

    Control your emotions, don't be controlled by them, when it comes to this addiction if you give an inch it will take a mile, don't listen to it whatsoever.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  11. Then this is the first issue you need to work on.
    You are worth my friend.
    You can obtain what you want.
    And nobody can do it like you do it.
    Having support is always good and helpful.
    But you can't rely on just that

    You wrote down your goal.
    Go get them. No matter what I say, or what anyone say.
    They are your goal. We can give you advices. And you can decide to follow them.
    But the point is that you will learn the wonderful power that making a choice has.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  12. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Well said! Thanks man - I do feel a lot more positive. Hard work starts now
     
  13. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the supportive and very accurate words! Gonna do my best to journal on here again a bit too
     
    fg4795 likes this.
  14. adrtho4

    adrtho4 Fapstronaut

    It probably isn't for you. At least maybe not now. But that all depends on your reasons and goals for doing NoFap in the first place. If they don't align, then do something else.

    As for your reasons, you will have to really soul search and see if they are legit reasons why not to do this thing or excuses.

    Reading the NoFap guide, it's customizable and you don't have to do things strictly by the recommendations. They are just that, recommendations. Tailor them to again, suit your needs and goals.

    I for example am not fapping and not watching porn. But the O is still on the table. The way I see it, my body and mind are desensitized due to the sensations I was giving it. So, for me, I'm programming my body to a: Respond to women I am interacting with at the given moment, and b: Be aroused by their touch. Not mine. I want my body to respond to the woman I'm dealing with not to me. Maybe or maybe not this may follow the recommend course for NoFap but that's what I'm doing.

    At the end of it all, you decide if you want to do this or not. If you do, do it for your reasons. Screw what you may have been told as "the right way" or "the best way" to do this thing. Do it and do it your way and win.

    Just sayin'
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  15. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks man. That makes a lot of sense and sounds like you're approaching it in the right way for you.
    My priority is to stop the mindless surfing and time wasting, as well as the un-natural / over the top sex drive created through porn. Masturbation in itself (in moderation) doesn't seem to cause problems in my life, hence why I just need to concentrate on beating the things causing me the problem.
    Keep fighting the good fight!
     
    adrtho4 likes this.
  16. Meshuga

    Meshuga Fapstronaut

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    All NoFap is for is to be a tool and a resource for quitting P. If you find yourself in a circumstance where this community isn't helping you, it's sensible to consider giving it a break or stopping altogether.

    I do agree that Hard Mode is the best policy, not just for quitting P but for breaking through the tangle of erotic addiction that is related to P. However, if that's not possible for you right now due to conflicting goals, it's okay to not go hard. Stay extra focused on your relationship, make sure the S you are enjoying with your SO is serving to bond the two of you as well as the reproductive aspect, and that does work toward shifting you from a P informed attitude toward S.

    As for getting demoralized from a reset, I relate. I think most people here do, which is why it's important to differentiate between reset and relapse. Reset is just a slip, relapse is a conscious, sustained decision to embrace your addiction. I think it's important to keep track of your relapse counter as well as your reset counter. You're right, it's too easy to get demoralized and disappointed after a mistake and see all of that progress erased. But it's not erased. It's good to acknowledge that you used to PMO regularly, now you only do it once every X days and that is a victory.

    Regardless of what you decide about NoFap, I hope for the sake of yourself and your family that you still keep fighting P. Best of luck to you.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  17. ProminentPosterior

    ProminentPosterior Fapstronaut

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    Stop counting days, just find something else to do instead of watching porn. Watch shark documentaries or something; it doesn’t have to be some grandiose massive life change, just subbing it out for something that’s just as passive in regard to intake but has less negative repercussions. Plus, if you do manage to pop out this kid, you’d probably keep them pretty entertained with all kinds of cool shark knowledge.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  18. adrtho4

    adrtho4 Fapstronaut


    Great to read.

    That's the point I'm getting across. Do NoFap for you and how you want to do it. The only right way to do this, or anything, is the way you do it.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  19. Melkhiresa

    Melkhiresa Fapstronaut

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    Wether you think you are right or you think you are wrong, you're right on both account.
     
    Andy Dufresne likes this.
  20. Andy Dufresne

    Andy Dufresne Fapstronaut

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    Thanks
    "Reset is just a slip, relapse is a conscious, sustained decision to embrace your addiction. I think it's important to keep track of your relapse counter as well as your reset counter."
    This is so true. Although sometimes there's a blurring of the two (I suppose if you reset but then 'give up' it becomes a relapse). I think I need to define what these two terms mean for me and evolve them as I grow stronger and can handle more.
    Thanks for the supportive words!!
     
    Meshuga likes this.

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