Can you get on the other side of lust?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by gordie, Jun 21, 2021.

  1. gordie

    gordie Fapstronaut

    By this I mean like, when I was 18 I thought drinking alcohol and casual drug use was so cool. Within 3 years I was over it, and now at 31 I can't relate to that mindset whatsoever. I was even a smoker until 27, and when I see a cigarette nowadays I have absolutely no desire to have one (quit completely and cold turkey). My appetites for these things are totally extinguished, even though every few months I'll have a glass of wine but I can't even stand the state of drunkenness.

    I'm illustrating it this way because I can't seem to be able to reach this state sexually. I've quit porn for over a year only to slide back into it (I'm off porn now since April and probably won't relapse, but I never could have slid back into smoking after a year, for example). I sometimes will see a beautiful woman and my mind will get filled with thoughts of lust, and it seems like I can never satiate it. I was a libertine when I was younger, but it never left my system. It's like I always want a life of libertine sexuality even though I know it's harmful. Lust, unlike drug use or smoking or drinking, seems insatiable.

    I'm in a committed relationship right now and my sex life is actually the best it's been in a relationship, but I can't seem to get on the other side of lust. Has anyone experienced lust burning out?
  2. happy camper

    happy camper Fapstronaut

    If you keep fanning the fire of lust, you're keeping it alive. That's in your control, if you continue to fantasise then you're essentially keeping those neural networks in your brain active.

    Maybe this video will give you some insight.

  3. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

    I think I know how you feel. I smoked and now can't stand it, still drink occasionally but haven't been drunk in years. And yet sexual fantasies persist.

    It's tempting to just state the obvious, it's one of the big evolutionary drivers to reproduce (if not our biggest?) But I think we need to go deeper than this...

    After some time listening to red pill and pickup artist videos, I found a theme with guys who've been with more women than they care to remember. At a certain point, they're over it.

    Your post made me remember one story, of an experienced guy who would occasionally be approached by younger women for sex, yet respectfully decline. This guy would rather put his energy into his business, his exercise, and whatever else. But in addition to this, he openly felt jaded by all the sexual experiences. He found it difficult to connect with just one girl and find value in a relationship.

    Seeing as you're in a committed relationship now with good sex, I wonder if you can channel this lust into greater communication and variety there?

    Perhaps having sex less frequently, but actively pursuing things that turn your partner and yourself on the most, would be best?

    In that sense, it doesn't go away, but you change your expectations around it, and accept it for what it is in your current lifestyle.
  4. eagle rising

    eagle rising Fapstronaut

    First, I also quit alcohol immediately and forever because my wife doesn't like that such an intoxication might be needed in order to endure life. Simply, it is not. But, I didn't touch alcohol until the ripe age of 23. So that may be a factor.

    I do find that lust, for me, is burning out. It still creeps into my system easily and still more often than I am comfortable with. I am also married with a good sex life.

    The primary factor, I believe, is in recognizing that I am the one that activates the energy of lust from within. That is, there is an intermediary step in-between seeing a "beautiful" woman and getting aroused by said woman. That step is almost completely indiscernible, especially in the mind of a P/sex addict. That intermediary step is fueled by our need to expand beyond our boundaries (spiritual evolution). It also depends on how we feel about ourselves. If we don't see that we are complete beings, or complete lives, then we grow dependent on others. For the person sullied by lust, this becomes the apparent need for copulation with random women. The step can either be controlled by our projections of the world and the women within it (built from societal influences), or can be controlled by recognizing that we aren't built incomplete (the life within us is whole(!)). There is no need for physical expansion, it is not possible, mechanically. If our need to reach a full life is cut from the cyclical nature of the flesh then lust vanishes, so does any need to exploit any other forms of life, for they are all a part of us.

    If you accept that a woman's worth is dependent on how she looks, then you cannot get away from lust. It will always be a burning flame within. This is the problem many have on this site. It is proliferated from post to post to post. This has a big imprint on this community. But, this is just an excuse to explain the energy of lust. The energy of lust doesn't come from another person it is built from within. The woman is just an excuse.

    This acceptance only needs to be subtle in order for lust to remain. That is, when you say you can't help yourself you've accepted that her worth is only contingent on how she looks. No matter how good of a person she is or how bad of a person she is you will still judge her by her looks.

    Many people will say that sex is "important" because that is how evolution works. This perceived importance is because humans think that they are bigger than everything else. Humans think that the universe revolves around them. No, the universe has been active for billions of years. Humans are just a flash of all that is. No, there is no importance in sexuality. Sex is just a function of the human body. Only the human brain with all its evolutionary capability can paste some sort of importance on it. What a waste.

    Further, our lustful desires aren't important, not even a little bit. They are just there, just a little part of the brain. It is a tiny part of the complexity of the structure of the brain, which in turn is just a tiny part of the cosmos.

    Accept that this has happened to you, but recognize that this is not worth anything at all.

    Any description that you put on another woman, whether implicit or not, is just a projection. One lost in projecting, especially with the filter of lust, cannot fathom the life that resides within that woman's physical shell. Close your eyes whenever you see that your sexual energy is rising upon seeing a "beautiful" woman and see that the energy is still there. I suggest that this means the energy comes from within, not from the other person.
    happy camper and DefendMyHeart like this.
  5. Retentionman

    Retentionman Fapstronaut

    I believe this lust bur out may be possible with years of practice and discipline. I am no expert in this matter since the longest I've been on Nopmo is 87 days. Temporary flatlines would be the only thing comparable to what you call lust burning out, however, I consider the fact that we cannot supress it very positive and powerful (provided that you have a strong mind) why? Simply because we can use this fire, this energy to create and experience better things. Do you feel alive during flatlines? No, do you feel alive when horny? Absolutely yes, then use this fire to achieve your goals, don't try to stop the current just redirect it
  6. @gordie I thought you were already there from another post you made saying you don't feel you will relapse, but I do realize there's a distinction between not relapsing and still having that in your system, and I appreciate the frankness of asking this question.

    Let me preface by saying I certainly don't expect anyone to believe any of this on the basis of the day count I have, so I'll say just look at the rationale and your own inner experience - I think it may be evident to many just kind of in a connect the dots way.

    I think it's fundamentally a matter of a shift of identification. Lust basically involves an identification with body and physiology, which includes the function of sexual attraction. That shift may occur gradually or suddenly, and even when it occurs gradually through a period of time the range of time can vary, and I also don't think it's linear so a day count is not going to predict it. We have a better CHANCE of it happening in a longer streak, but there is simply no guarantee - not when we talk about such a fundamental shift. And BTW that of course means a streak may be short shortly after the shift has occurred, but naturally that will ensure the streak continues - which may no longer be a matter of discipline, at least in the sense of some kind of conflicted fight against yourself.

    I think it's important to point out the shift doesn't mean an identification with the mind or a particular thought of being clean in the mind, my sense is it actually does not involve any partial identification. In other words, it simply no longer identify with the body exclusively, and identifying with the mind exclusively would kind of be the converse, it's more about being inclusive. It's a matter of being so inclusive that actually identifying with the lust of the body exclusively becomes unsatisfactory. So in the context of a relationship, frankly it's like you can't get turned on if someone is only presenting themselves physically, it feels like something is missing. There may even be a sense that the person, while expressing what they want (as people often do in subtle ways if nothing else) is just holding themselves back in terms of their human potential, and there's a certain sadness about that state of affairs.

    This awareness would also preclude being involved with someone that's on a different level of maturity. Even if they are physically attractive it is like an unfinished painting, developmentally speaking you kind of want to see how it naturally unfolds. For those who know Star Trek it's an interpersonal form of the Prime Directive. And it's not that breaking it is a no-no and against the rules, the wisdom of the principle is actually seen for what it is in a living situation. To put it another way, there's a beauty to seeing something develop naturally. Now I don't mean it is impossible for someone to be with another who is older or younger and be a good life partner, but just as a streak isn't the absolute measure neither is chronological and biological age.

    Overall, it is actually the level of engagement (actually I think multiple levels) that would make the odd couple (including possible age gap) work, and when it is largely a matter of lust there is simply less engagement or engagement on only one level - it is fundamentally the perspective of seeing that and finding it less than satisfying. So there's also a question of the natural developmental process of the relationship as well as the individual.
  7. gordie

    gordie Fapstronaut

    To answer your first question: I actually completely quit porn in April. I don’t think it’s ever coming back. I think I’m done done. I also have a wonderful girlfriend that’s very sexually active.

    But when an attractive female passes me or I see her at a restaurant, I think of how nice it’d be to be single and.. you can guess the rest. I’m dealing with old school lust now that porn’s out of the picture.
    Abel100% likes this.
  8. Abel100%

    Abel100% Fapstronaut

    Para nosotros la decisión está en las manos, para otros en un nivel alto la decisión está en la Mente
  9. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Me, it took me 20 years to try to master it, meditation, analysis, constant improvement in healthy sex, forcing myself to only sleep with quality girl(inside and out). I laso thought it was never going to end.

    I had to do non ejaculatory sex do. I don't know other way around it and all the things I just mentioned.

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