cant forget my ex even after nearly 6 years

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by vercent99, Apr 24, 2020.

  1. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    its been almost 6 years since i brokeup with my ex and i cant forget her whatsoever. it was a complicated relationship in the beginning it was good and everything felt nice but there was no spark from her anymore towards the end she would never talk to me by herself or ask to go out, it was always me and she started making excuses to go out yet going out with others. so i asked my best male friend what to do he said wait a week if she doesnt hit u up on her on move on, so i did just that. we basically ended up ghosting each other.

    it was the first time i actually loved a girl, ive had a few crushes on some girls but nothing worth for me to try to get a relationship, this was the first time. i also never like "searching" for a girl. if a perfect one comes around i will try, but not just try on anyone i find attractive.

    i havent had any relationship since that one, she was my first and last. there was a girl who was into me and i kinda hung around with her as her side dude as she had someone else (didnt know if i was the main or side one but at the time i didnt care), she seemed to give me way more physical love but then she left within weeks to the next dude too.

    so after that, i havent had any interest in any other girls till today. i dont mean i dont like girls, im still attracted, but nothing found that i want a relationship with. everyday for years ive been thinking about my ex, like a voice that tells me remember her?? and then i remember some special moments of us, like the first time i saw her, our first date, touch, etc.

    i tried to hate her to forget her but i cant hate her, she was kind, cute, attractive, nothing negative about her except for lack of interest towards end of relationship and i forgot to mention we broke up but got back but after the last broke up never got back and i keep wondering if its my fault and what we could have been if i made different choices and so on.

    i just want to forget her because i cannot live like, i deleted all social media since a year so i cant see her but i still cant forget. on youtube girls with similar looks remind me of her, on the street girls with similar looks remind me, on porn i watch girls that look like her and nobody knows anything about this because im not an open person

    i appreicate any help because im really sad and crying in private and even now writing this thx much friends

    also i game almost whole day because its the only thing that makes me forget real life but i cant do it the whole day so i stilk cant forget my ex
     
  2. Batdrew

    Batdrew Fapstronaut

    Hey, I think I can understand what you're going through. I've been in a similar situation as well. It's totally normal to go through a mourning process, it's inevitable, but I think you certainly need to change your perspective.

    First, try to accept she's gone. She decided to not be part of your life and that's perfectly valid. She has always been free, she is free, and she will always be free to do whatever she wants with her life. True love, in part, is to accept and want the best for your loved one, and maybe that's the best for her. Also, don't hate her for that. Probably that decision has nothing to do with you, it's not personal. We people tend to think on ourselves all the time, it's a natural thing.

    Now, you get to move on, man. And I know it's not as simple as that. I suggest you to do the following:
    1. Regarding your past with her, be thankful for what you lived, for all the good moments you guys shared together. Take it as a beautiful life experience. Wish her, at least in your mind, all the best. Now, stop blaming yourself in a negative way. There are many possible reasons why your relationship didn't work, and probably both of you contributed to its end. What is useful now is to learn from this. Analize your relationship and ask yourself, what could I have done better? What were my mistakes? What can I learn from this to be better from now on? How can I avoid this to happen again? Take your pain and turn it into something useful for you and your life.
    2. Take action in the present. You need to move! What do you want to achieve in life? What goals can you set for yourself in this moment of your life? Who do you want to be from now on? Take this time to focus on yourself, man, to better yourself. If you want a better relationship in the future, for example, begin to learn the lessons you became aware of in the previous step. It's okay to get distracted with gaming, but start doing something for yourself. That's the point. Start small, it doesn't matter. You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.
    3. Get excited about the future. Create a vision of where do you want to be in a couple of years. Whatever you want, you just give yourself permission to aim for anything, no matter how big or impossible it may seem at the beginning. Set a direction and feel happy and excited about what awaits you in the future.

    You got this, man. I know you can get over this. So, in summary:
    1. Regarding your past, be thankful and learn from your experience.
    2. Regarding your present, take action. Set some goals for yourself and start working on them. You'll be unrecognizable.
    3. Regarding your future, be sure to create a vision of your life you really like and give yourself permission to believe it's possible and achieve it.

    Hope it helps.
     
  3. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    firstly thanks a lot for your response, it also felt good to get it off my chest

    yes mourning is normal but i dont think its normal to my extent of 5 to 6 years long being sad about it, i was searching online and most said it will take week to months and i wish it was that short. they also state that u should date another person but idont want to date someone just to 'get rid off thoughts of my ex' because that wouldnt be fair for the girlfriend and frankly i would be sad if that would be a reason someone gets with me in a relationship, and i just havent even found anyone after my last relationship that i feel a connection with, in all those 6 years

    i have no hate for her and i wish her the best but i just want to know the reason for all of this because i keep making scenarios in my head, like i said we broke up before (the 1st time i ended it because i felt no spark anymore) but she still said she liked me a few months later so i got back because i liked her again, even more than before, so this makes me wonder if she did it kind of as a 'karma' action to me? but if she didnt like me anymore she could have said it easily

    everytime i have scenarios in my head, is it my fault is it her fault, what would happen if i had did this or that, what if she only used me to get over a previous relationship or to make her ex jealous, (she recently got out of one before i got with her). my best friend female who was close to her said that she was always jealous if others were talking about me but then i wonder why she stopped going out with me but goes out with others, she was shy and i am shy but she never seemed shy around other boys and hung out everyday with them. this also lets me make scenarios in my head if it was just because she was too shy or if she was playing me, or how it would be different if any of us werent shy, as u can see i have become completely paranoid. i do not think its related to how i look like because i am quite handsome i feel like so about the analyze part i cant analyze the situation, or i even overanalyze it

    also before our relationship i was never shy with girls and in general an extrovert but she was so shy i got shy as well so now even years later im an introvert with no confidence anymore. i will tell a shame fact about me, last week i was supposed to buy some fruits but i saw a hot girl in the same store so i just didnt even go there, i became too shy, even while knowing neither of us know each other and neither that i want to ask her out or anything, i have become so shy its very emberassing
     
    Protagonist likes this.
  4. After years it is not healthy grieving and you express avoidance tendencies, so you could use some therapy, I would suggest you seek some as soon as possible. You are however right that you shouldn't try to force a new relationship, that wouldn't be healthy either.

    You are acting as if you're trying to solve a riddle, that is the problem. It really doesn't matter for what reason you ended up splitting at this point, dwelling on that is not going to solve anything for you, it's just going to perpetuate your misery. There is no riddle to be solved (except via talking with her). You have gone over this enough after 6 years, it's time to try to stop yourself whenever you catch yourself doing it. I'm not saying it's easy, but that is the ticket out of this. You can be in control of your life; you are letting yourself dwell on this, it's not something you have no possible control over. You just don't realize that this is the case, probably.

    Also I will echo: Get busy doing things in general. It helps greatly. Gaming is a short term fix (and you know ur using it as a crutch). It's not a source of long term happiness.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2020
  5. Protagonist

    Protagonist Fapstronaut

    I'm pretty sure that you already know this but, grieving over all this will only be negative for you.
    You can't really love someone and not expect to be hurt.
    Your feelings were hurt, I know that is terrible but you can't live in that rut forever. All you can do is to cling on to something or someone that will help you get out of that rut.

    Losing a relationship hurts, but losing yourself in a relationship hurts longer.
     
  6. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    yes you are spot on with the riddle part. i dont mind taking therapy but the thing is none of my parents knew about any of my relationship because they are over religious and dont allow it, so u can see how i had to botch up those emotions for myself but i am turning 20 so i am moving out soon and when iam then i will take it for sure. also i even arent comfortable sharing this with my close friends, they knew about the relationship but not about that i was so sad because i dont show any emotions, also because i am not socialble anymore, some people who get to know me tell me im kinder than i look and i didnt understand why so i asked and they said i look angry and someone who doesnt joke around, i mean i am serious but i didnt know i come over as angry to others perhaps this is stopping me from connecting with others

    i never think about the ex relationship on purpuse, it just comes to my mind. yesterday night i went to bed at 4 am and couldnt sleep till 5.30 am because of overthinking everything even when i dont want to, so i just stayed awake till 10 am till i was dead tired and finally slept but this is not healthy.

    some examples, her name is pretty common so when i read her name in a online webpage or youtube comment i immediately get all these flashbacks and sometimes randomly out of nowhere i start thinking "hey remember that girl u dated, what is she doing, is she about u, did she just use u, is she sad we broke up, etc" and i get clear visuals in my mind of some of our previous moments, all of this is regardless of that i know we will never return, and i want to say as side note that i have never done and never wanted to do self violence

    also about getting busy, i want to be a succesful engineer other than that i have nothing to strive for, my goals are:

    -be a succesful engineer
    -get a stable relationship witha cute girl who loves me like i love her

    but i have no motivation to do anything anymore its like i wake up, game, sleep. just another day, and i actually like gaming, but i just feel like everything is empty not sure how to say it

    also do u have any tips about the big emberassment i have ? thanks a lot guys for replying it feels good to be able to talk my heart out
     
    Last edited: Apr 26, 2020
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  7. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    i keep telling myself once u find another girl u will forget ur ex but i havent met anyone who i feel a connection with in half a decade, and i do not want to just have a relationship with a random person. i remember when i first met my ex she looked at me while sitting on the bench ith her bright eyes i got like a feeling inside me, i never had this from anyone else and i fear this may never happen again, i asked her for her name and number and thats how everything started and now i am here
     
  8. Ok, good. Altho, your parents don't need to know anything about it even tho you live at home.
    I take it you find it regrettable that your no longer as sociable? Most likely you're projecting a negative body language because you're feeling pretty negative on the inside. People pick up on that and might interpret it as "anger". I can confidently say there is nothing inherent about you that looks "angry", no one looks angry when they smile. You just need to fix your inner self and people won't think of you as angry. :) Also, as dumb as it sounds, forcing a smile can actually make you feel better.

    Yes, the thoughts arise spontaneously and there is nothing you can do about that. It is however possible to cut the chain of thoughts. You should practice meditation, it's all about interrupting the stream of thoughts.
    You can also notice that you're having a thought (you can explicitly think: "now Im thinking about X again") and ask yourself if this is something worth thinking about. But a therapist can explain and assist to a much greater degree with this.
    Beyond than that something that in general helps greatly with struggling to sleep is to go to bed at the same time every night (and try to avoid blue light say 2 hours before, you can set night mode on the computer and stuff). In general having diet, exercise, sleep and hygiene on point is alone going to make you feel significantly better about yourself.

    This is called a trigger, and it's unfortunate.
    A wish (or even worse, plans) to self-harm requires emergency care, remember that.

    Maybe you need a hobby? A social one. Just pick something that you think you might not hate and try it out a few times. Then repeat if you end up deciding it's not for you, but being open-minded is important (passion usually develops over time).
    Yeah, gaming is fun and if you're doing it with friends I wouldn't go as far as to call it a waste of time. But it's not something you're gonna think back in 50 years and wish you did more of. Social connection in real life is more likely to be what you'll mention. Let me ask you this, what if it's the constant gaming and sedentary life that kills your motivation and makes life seem empty?

    I would say your "embarrassment" is a symptom of pathological social anxiety. You were worried something might happen if you go near this attractive girl, so you decided to avoid (the avoidance is the pathological part). I don't know what you were worried about, maybe it's diffuse, but something caused you to avoid. Again, a therapist would be great with this.

    The thing is, your ex was a random person and you sought her out. Have you actively sought women out after her? How many girls have you actually locked eyes with? *If* you go around feeling kinda negative it's no wonder you don't get strong vibes with women. It's at least partially a reciprocal process. I can guarantee that what you felt when you looked at her was just sexual attraction. It's not necessary to feel it as strongly as you did with her to consider another relationship with someone.
     
  9. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    - yes i miss being sociable, until i was 12 i was very sociable, from 13 to 14 still sociable but bit less, after that it went downhill, around the time i started my relationship at age 14-15, from age 8 to 12 i remember going outside almost everyday of the week, even though i still played games, at 13 to 14 or 15 i still went out a lot with friends and made nice memories like driving motorcycles together and stuff like that, up til the night outside some days, after that i started only doing gaming the whole days, i actually have chronic back pain from my sitting habits, and i realize i am wasting my time but at the same time i am having fun gaming and i forget about my surroundings, its like porn, while watching its fun but after ur done u regret it, but then u do it again. my gaming addiction is way worse than years before, ive always been a gaming fan but not to this extent, its even worse than my porn addiction. on a side note, since i started my nofap account i did 3 streeks of a week max, and usually around day 4 or 5 it became hard, but now its been a week and i havent had any urges almost, so i think i will atleast be fixing one of my issues which was porn, just some small thoughts like realizing i havent watched in a long time and wanting to check some, but then i remember im striving for the positive outcomes and it goes away, i hope this will be partly fixing the way i connect with girls again, because i was never shy in the past. lastly to go back about the angry part, i think they mean my poker face, i do look neutral/emotionless all the time, but its not that i am angry or sad in those moments, my minds just blank so im not happy or smile in those moments, one of my siblings told me her friends used to flirt about me when they were going out so why dont they make any moves on me i dont understand, this also goes back to my anxiety, i cant make any personal moves if i were to find someone who i liked

    - hobbies hmmm i used to like boxing, it can be something i could try again, or going to the gym, ive always wanted sixpacks

    - yeah i actually try to avoid eye contact with everyone especially attractive people, which doesnt make any sense if i think about it
     
  10. ironmaing

    ironmaing Fapstronaut

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    Ive been in the same place with my first love. It’s true that you’ll generally feel a deep connection with your first. I still love this girl, but I don’t want to be with her.

    Seems to me that you have way too much time on your hands and you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself. Also, it’s important to not romanticize the good bits and forget the bad bits. I put a list together of all the bad stuff about her.

    I think you need to get out and meet new girls. You’ll realise that there are really cool girls out there.

    I’d suggest getting a new hobby and workout. You need to feel better about yourself. Play video games less, they do mess you up. Obviously no PMO, you’ll feel more like a man. Try intermittent fasting too. You shouldn’t be getting emotional for women.

    know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that you’ll get over her. Doesn’t seem it was a good healthy relationship anyway. You’re better off without her.
     

  11. I'm probably about twice your age, and I can say that breakups are tough, every time.

    But the thing that most people don't want to hear,

    is that there is an easy way to get over her

    and a hard way.

    If you play games all day, look at you tube videos of women,

    and think about her,

    this only makes it harder.

    If instead you sit there, and stay on your streak,

    which is some awesome time, I must mention,

    and FEEL THAT PAIN,

    then it will get easier a lot faster.

    A lot faster.

    The reason this is better is because addicts of porn have an advantage.

    "Normal" people who aren't addicted to porn do not have this advantage.

    The addict builds tolerance very quickly.

    The tolerance of drugs and porn is detrimental,

    but also this same mechanism makes a person get healed from emotional pain.

    When you feel this sadness or regret about the relationship,

    don't run, don't game, don't use a drug, don't go to PMO.

    Just feel it.

    And realize that the emotion really has no power over you.

    If you keep doing this, after a while, you will be expecting the pain,

    but it's not there.
     
  12. ahighertruth

    ahighertruth Fapstronaut

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    stop fapping and you'll probably find that a woman compliments you, not the other way around. losing her is just a set back, nothing to be depressed over. million other girls like her, i promise you she was not that special.
     
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  13. BlueBallsOG

    BlueBallsOG Fapstronaut

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    Therapy helps. So ive heard...
     
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  14. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    thanks guys for the replies, i will reply without quotes because im on mobile but i readed everything, but first before replying, i want to say yesterday was actually one of the worst days in my life because i had a mental breakdown after several issues were happening causes me to stress out a lot, combined with the existing issue of my ex, it was too much for me, i screamed so loud against my siblings involutarely, it was like a demon came out of me, they called me crazy and perhabs its true, even when my mom asked me a normal question, i involuterly responded angry and she told me why do u respond with anger and i said i didnt mean to, and she left my room. i had teared up maybe like 10 separate times yesterday and thats the most ive ever done in my life, im not the type of guy to cry a lot, but i consider myself emotional because when it comes to relationships i do tend to cry, but also only one a few weeks, like at the i created my initial post. but after isolating the whole day and taking a long shower i went and apologized to my family for my behaviour and they accepted it, and i had a personal convosation with my mom and she said in which i brought up the topic of therapy and she said that she doesnt think i need it but she says its ok if i want to try it out, she personally has mental issues too and she says i am not like her, she has bipolar, and she mentioned suicidal tendencies in the convo maybe to indirectly ask me if i am suicidial and i told her no i dont have such motives so she said maybe i have some minor disorder so i told her ok ill check it out with a therapist later and she said ok and she said she was proud of me and knows it wasnt volutarely because of the stress so it felt good to have atleast one bit telling to them, but about my ex i cant tell them really., so after that i felt good today compared to yesterday, yesterday i was mentally and physicslly tired. im still on hard mode no PMO for like 8 or 9 days i havent counted but i started between 21-23 april if i remember correctly. the urges are coming back but i havent followd them, not even looked at erotic images. but yesterday i saw a youtube video of a girl singing and the video was just her staring in the camera while singing a nice calm song and i just became satisfied of her looks because she was so attractive, but again she had a resemblance of my ex so it could be related to that existing issue that keeps coming.

    so thats why yesterday i took a day off of internet in general, didnt game at all and didnt open this forum, today also didnt game much, maybe 2 hrs compared to 12 hrs. so at least improvements, dont know if it will last. found some videos about social anxiety on youtube and checked them out too.

    - to @ironmaing
    yes i should meet new women but theres 2 things; i havent met anyone in the past 6 years who i had any spark with, there have been one or two girls of those who i remember trying to hit on me but i didnt feel any connection so i didnt go in on it,
    and secondly i have become soo anxious and embaressed to even go near an attractive women even if i dont want a relationship with them (i dont want a relationship just with any random hot girl, i need to feel a connection first, idk if thats weird). Also i want to say that i was so in love with my ex that i did not even hang out with any other girls whatsoever when they asked, only once or twice in all of those years because i felt no need to have relationships outside of my ex, but she was going out normally with other boys, way more than out with me, this hurt me but i never said anything because ofcourse she can choose who to go out with, but it really does show that i am maybe was too much in love and become crazy. After i broke up and that other girl hit on me and i went along with it to get some physical intemacy, she probably just noticed and got jealous so thats why she said she wanted to get back, because she still never initiated anything, and i got tired of being the one talking first and leading conversations and getting dry answers, i got tired of getting excuses not to go out, i was confused whether she was too shy or if she is trying to play games to mess with me for either karma or so i dont go with other girls, while she goes out with other boys. up till now i am confused. in the beginning she was actually the one wanting to go out the whole time. my best male friend told me if she didnt initiate in a week i should just ignore her and i did, but a large part of me regrets it, but a small part doesnt. i also dont remember watching any porn while being in that relationship. but like i said, in porn i enjoyed videos that had similar looks of her, but its not something i was specifically searching for, but in porn i can not get satisfied from videos that had girls with unattractive faces even if they had nice bodies. in real life i dont have body standards either (just not taller than me, im not into heavy size, and just has to have an attractive faces, and be kind/cute, i dont think thats much to ask, or is it?)

    now because of those confused moments, lately one of my friends that i met in 2018, stopped starting to initiate conversations too, i notice im always who starts it 90% of the time, and the last days only me, and then also getting no reply on my last messages, so i stopped messaging too because i am tired of getting ghosted, i dont know what i am doing wrong, now its not only relationships but also friendships

    @LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself
    - i will try to do that, actually its similar to the video that iwatched today about social anxiety where he said u need to feel the anxiety and know it has no power, but its so hard. and least social anxiety u dont get it if u dont go near social places but the thoughts of my ex cant be avoided, they come regardless, involutarely

    @ahighertruth
    - yes im on my way to stop PMO my urges decreased a lot, im on day 9 now which is my longest streak after two or three 5 to 7 day streaks. i want to get the positive outcomes of nofap so i try my best. some women have complimented me but i didnt feel any spark like i did before with my ex, i know it sounds weird. maybe i am more romantic than i realized, or just crazy

    @BlueBallsOG
    - i will take therapy, i was scared from my familys reaction because of taboo but yesterday becauss of the breakdown it was a good moment to bring it up and they agreed. but i will go alone because my exs story is only known to me, and you guys

    thanks a lot guys and sorry for having you read so much, but these emotions are built from half a decade or more so its a lot that i kept inside. i really really appreciate to all whom replied although u probably cant realize it through text, so thanks a lot all
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2020
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  15. BlueBallsOG

    BlueBallsOG Fapstronaut

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    Told my mom eventually about my troubles with my ex too, it was the hardest thing ever but she gave me nothing but support. I have this theory that whenever you share something hard with someone they help you carry part of that burden.

    Also this video helped me A LOT:
     
  16. Sometimes it seems to be true, but for me, at the end of the day, I have to be responsible for my own actions

    and feelings. If I get in my head about the past, it's a bad place to be, and it ruins my present.
     
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  17. vercent99

    vercent99 Fapstronaut

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    thank u will check the video out

    thats want to remove, but how :( its terrible to be reminded for 6 years about the same sad moments. its like my mind cant move on
     
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  18. diece

    diece Fapstronaut

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    Rip the band-aid off brother.

    When my ex broke up with me, I was fucked up for at least a month after. I thought I was never going to get over it. Then I went online and read stories about guys who weren't over their ex's DECADES after they left them. Right then and there, I knew I never wanted to be one of those guys and I got over her almost instantly.

    Obviously your situation is a little different.

    The subscription is the same. Go out and meet girls. You can't get over her because you're not meeting enough girls. Sound simple. But it works.
     
  19. ReclaimedLife

    ReclaimedLife Fapstronaut

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    Do you know what's the problem?

    You look at women and think a specific one of them is needed to fulfill you in life.


    The second where you need fulfillment from someone else, you can't be happy on your own.

    Stop everything addictive like Videogames, Alcohol and porn and let all the emotions out that you have about that woman, ideally with someone else you trust, like your mom or dad.

    Then, as stated before, learn from that old relationship and ask yourself "WHAT THE FK WENT WRONG"
    Everything always comes down to communication, and lack thereof. Never expect the woman to tell you what's wrong.
    Some do, some don't.
    You need to know how to act to keep her interested in you. Attracting and keeping a woman attracted is fully your responsibility.

    Read this book for now. It's difficult, but you absolutely need this knowledge in your life going forward.

    Rollo Tomassi - The rational male

    We are here to help you.
     
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  20. Yeah, but if you continue this streak, you WILL move on.

    You will start to build an awesome life, and good things will start to happen.

    That, plus the time factor. Time always heals heartbreak.
     
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