Can't help but feel inadequate..

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by SeekingTransformation, Feb 10, 2018.

  1. SeekingTransformation

    SeekingTransformation Fapstronaut

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    I keep thinking about the conversation my SO and I had the other night. I was happy he opened up, but there are just some things I can't get out of my mind. It's like I'm torn. A big part of me is understanding about his feelings and actions because I understand P&M addiction, but the other part of me is still greatly hurt and offended.
    He told me that he does look at other women often, and sometimes stares for long periods. I know he's thinking about something sexual. The fact that he's objectifying so many women in RL is especially nauseating and difficult for me to accept.

    Our relationship has been so tough, and had ups and downs as everyones has, but I've always felt like he was distant, and didn't desire the closeness and intimacy as I have. I know a lot of this is because of his Add. but this all feels like my worst fears are materializing. I'm sick of hearing the excuse that this is normal and every guy does it, because that isn't, and they need to be held accountable. I held him to a higher standard, and I'm realizing that he's doing the same thing as so many others, just in a sneakier way.

    It makes me not want to be near him, or even be with him. I love him and I want to support him, but I don't trust him. The lies and deceit make it so hard to move forward. We are basically going to have to start over. I've decided to not see him for a few weeks until I know there's progress being made. How will I know? How can I know he's making progress and not doing these awful things? I made it clear that this needs to happen for me to stay, but that more importantly he needs to change for himself.

    I don't know what signs and markers I should see if any. I don't know how to move forward from this place.
     
  2. AllanTheCowboy

    AllanTheCowboy Fapstronaut

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    The only way you can know there's progress in that short of a span is with monitoring software. You can put the idea to him that way (if you guys haven't already discussed it) that it's not that you're telling him he has to do it (though you could, and it's a reasonable condition) but that it's a method for him to show you the progress he's making. "Here's something you can do that will let me see what you want me to know." It is valid and health to reiterate that you can't take his word for it, and that he shouldn't expect you to.

    Whether that approach to the topic is better or worse than others depends on a lot of factors, and I think other SO's will be more help figuring that out.
     
  3. GG2002

    GG2002 Fapstronaut

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    I am so sorry you are going through this. What you are feeling is totally normal, and I felt the exact same way with my ex. I could objectively understand that he was an addict, but despite that I still felt unattractive, bad in bed, and just plain horrible. It’s not you. It has nothing to do with the way you look, nothing. If the woman on that porn video he was watching walked off the TV into his room, he would still look at other women on porn, and still PMO. No one woman can ever compete with PMO, it’s just not possible.

    Trust needs to be rebuilt and it will take time, a very long time, and a very wiling PMO addict. There is nothing that you can do to prevent him from relapsing. I would ask that he check in and be honest with you daily if that’s what you need. I think what really makes the difference in whether an SO can trust again is the behavior of the addict. If he’s not wiling to be totally honest, to lay himself bare before you, to do whatever you need to move on, and to listen to your pain, there is nothing that can be done.
     
  4. PaleAle76

    PaleAle76 Fapstronaut

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    You will have to start over- you'll have to start building that trust again, but this time it will be even more difficult because of his history of lies and deceit. That is not something that is going to go away overnight. He's going to have to do the leg work on rebuilding that trust. As was mentioned earlier, monitoring software is a good first step. As far as the ogling goes, that is something he will need to make a conscious effort not to engage in. While a lot of guys consider it 'normal', it isn't. Its objectifying. Men and women both do it, but men of course are much more guilty. We're more stimulated visually than women are, and ogling is a result of that innate tendency pared with a society that perpetuates the objectification of women (a society dominated by men, naturally). The recent spat of sexual assault allegations against so many men in the past year is a testament to that. I think its fantastic that a light is being shed on this finally, but it also go so show how prevalent sexism is in our society and how easily men can feel entitled in their objectification and ogling, not to mention downright assault. My only point I guess is that while I know its revolting to think about, this is something he's been conditioned to do for many many years. It will take effort on his part to recognize he's doing it, and take steps to stop himself.

    As far as looking for markers or signs of progress, the fact that he is being open with you IS a good sign… even if what you're hearing from him turns your stomach.
     
  5. bluejay805

    bluejay805 Fapstronaut

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    My ex used to tell me it was "normal." It's not. It's Darwinian bullsh** that men use to further their "every man for himself" fantasy. Evolution requires altruism. He's been sold this idea that it's normal. He won't change. I left my ex for this reason and I am SO much happier without him and his PMO problems. Granted, I'm in another relationship where my fiance has PMO problems, but he does not say it's normal to stare at other women, nor does he justify PMO. You can't expect him to recover if he doesn't know he has a problem
     
    realcheese and letter like this.

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