Can't hurt me - Goggins challenge

Firstly, a lot of people get mad, or feel irritation when reading my story. I've shared it other times and have gotten mostly backlash. People calling me lazy, people saying I'm a waste of potential. Please, try to understand the situation rather than being mad. Having some aspects of your life easy doesn't mean having all aspects of life easy.

“What kind of bullshit did you deal with growing up?”
Essentially, I'm like a powerful computer with a stupidly designed OS.
Being able to learn easily, understand stuff easily, win athletic competitions etc easily made me, or my "OS" weak. There were no challenges. I never really had to work for anything. I had the opposite of a callused mind. And my genetics have protected me through thick & thin. Not putting on kilograms when I stopped exercising nor when I started eating like shit. It may seem like a wonderful life, but it has made me weak.

I have never had to face the consequences of fucking up.
I forgot to do the homework because of my fucked up organizing and execution skills? "Thats ok, because we have all we need to grade you"
I forgot get my friend a birthday gift? "Hey, why don't you just join in on my gift?"
I haven't had the energy or, rather, dedication and discipline to work out? Well, somehow that's also OK, because my body magically keeps me fit.

The only consequence?
Me feeling like a fucking impostor. Feeling like whatever I do life will be OK, but still having anxiety over not keeping my image of the "smart, kind, good-looking" guy.
Never having to fail, which make me terribly terrified of actually failing. This made me incapable to try risking it with girls (scared of rejection), it made me scared to make decisions regarding my life. It eventually gave me social anxiety, performance anxiety, anxiety in general, as well as, recently, depression.


My bad hand that I was dealt
ADHD. At least, pretty sure, as I cancelled my diagnosis halfway due to cost. Feel like an impostor here as well, as I did so well in school. Either way...
I am extremely scattered-brained, get addicted to stuff (not just porn) scarily easily. I have burst of motivation, then no motivation at all. Make plans but cannot, and I really mean CAN NOT stick to them for the hell of me.

So, in short, the bullshit I had to deal with growing up? Never having to try, never having the need to fix the bugs my fucked up OS needs.


Feelings regarding "my past"
Honestly, it's mostly shame, guilt. I know myself I have such potential, but am currently wasting it. I feel a deep pressure to perform, to be "that guy who..[insert something impressive]". It's not a want, never has been, but a pressure. I am angry with myself, angry at my past for not having taken action before. Though I have, just not action that actually helped. I feel like I have done myself dirty. Always being able to take the fucking easy route. I did impressive stuff, difficult stuff that I really didn't have to do that could be considered "not taking the easy route", though it always was the fucking easiest route to be the guy who did that impressive thing. I have a deep hatred of who I have posed to be, a deep hatred for never being honest to others around me or to myself.

In short, anger, hatred and guilt. All towards me, myself and how I lived my life so far. No one is responsible but me, and that is how I feel, and what I rationally know.


What are the current factors limiting your growth?
Anger, something that if used in the right way is incredibly useful but in the wrong way can break a man, is breaking me.
Hatred is a strong motivator, but has been a hinderance.
Guilt does nothing but make me think in negative paths.

Essentially, my feelings regarding me.

As well as not accepting and acknowledging my flaws in a more realistic and progressive light. Seeing them not with hatred, but with a feeling of determination, seeing them as my first challenge, seeing them as bugs that have to be taken care of.

 

I was wondering when Goggins book was gonna come up here. It really is an amazing read. I read through it once while I had my broken hand and there were points where I wanted to put the book down and go exercise. I'm currently reading through it a second time and doing Ryan Holiday/Matt D'Avella's method for retaining info. Without going too deep, it's basically highlighting, tabs and copying onto note cards. I'm also doing the challenges as well. Here's what I wrote in my journal:

What is your bad hand?
Well to start, I never got enough physical affection from my parents, or really much at all. I know they love me, but back then I didn't see it. It caused me to reach out to friends in the neighborhood for support and love, but that was a bad move and I'm still feeling the ramifications of that today.
When I was 7 years old I was sexually abused by my "best friend/neighbor" who was a few years older than me. It was over a period of about 6 months to a year. I remember it happening 4 to 5 times but maybe there was more (traumas a shitty thing). Worst part is, this was in the early 2000's where being "gay" was the equivalent of being the columbine shooters, so naturally, I got bullied. A lot. Highlights include: Getting beat up, taunted, stuff stolen. Oh, and I got pinned down by a girl twice my size and asked repeatedly if it turned me on while her brother checked my penis if it was erect. (for the record, I did have a crush on her but I was idk 8?) After all that, I still had some "friends" but eventually I just started isolating and playing video games. Around 9 or 10 I found porn on skinamax late night and it went downhill from there. I was in a deep depression from then until now. I didn't even try in school because I thought I was going to die anyways, so what was the point?
What kind of bullshit are you dealing with?
I'm currently in the middle of a divorce. I haven't worked in 2 and half months because of a broken hand and a worker's comp case over it. Of course, I'm also dealing with a porn addiction and a weed addiction. I also have no social life because of my trust issues.
Are you getting beaten? Abused? Do you feel insecure?
Not currently, but I do feel insecure about my weight, my social skills, my drive, willpower and intelligence.
What are the current factors limiting your growth?
My own mental illness, money so I can go out and meet people (Online isn't too much of an option, too many triggers). Impatience.

@SpoiledMilk Despite our differences, I can relate to your post. When I was a kid before the abuse, I remember everyone giving me praise for being a "smart kid" It kind of went to my head for a little bit, turning into arrogance. For the anger, I actually learned in my MANY therapy sessions, that anger is a reactive emotion. There is usually an underlying feeling(s) towards this end. Therapistaid.com has a worksheet called the Anger Iceberg that might help. Good Luck to you

 

Thanks dude, sharing helps me process my trauma and other mental issues. I actually had my last physical therapy appointment a couple of weeks ago so my hand is fine now. I appreciate the concern though.

 

Yes. Pretty much every hour of the day, something in like likes of that. Thank you for trying to understand and relate, it means a hell of a lot

Thanks, will look into it! Normally I'm never angry, it's only towards myself, so I have neglected the feeling of anger as something "I don't have". Time to look into it I suppose

Hey, good luck with your fitness journey man!


Write all your insecurities, dreams, and goals on post it notes and tag up your mirror.
Insecurities:
I feel like I'm not worthy of love, both because of parents & because of my life.
I'm insecure about sharing what I do on a daily basis, I'm insecure about my life.
I've got social anxiety, insecure about meeting people.

Dreams
I want to be proud of who I am. Fuzzy dream, I know, but as that is the root problem to a lot of stuff, that's the dream. I want to be able to tell anyone what I did last week and feel proud. I want to be able to walk through the city without feeling like all eyes are judging me with the knowledge of my life.

Sub dreams (what will fulfill the above said dream):

• Being able to plan, and execute things - whether it's exercise, studying, meeting up with a friend or going to the hospital.
• Being able to abstain - sugar, porn, from random impulses to dance or clean my room when really I need to do other stuff.
• Starting to accept who I am, being completely real with myself. Point blank as he calls it, who I am right now.
  • Includes getting to know myself on a deeper level.
• Creating something that is mine. Something I did, with effort, newfound knowledge, and dedication.
• Feeling like it's OK to fail. That it doesn't alter who I am.

Goals
Starting slow, smart.

• Get up on time, every morning
• Go to bed on time, every night.

These two goals work to create a deadline each day, as well as a clear start. This way I know what time I can work with, with the added bonus of better sleep -> better performance.

• Plan out my day, every day, in the morning.

This goal works as a habit, one that will make sure I have something to work for each day. I'll fail executing sometimes, but I'm starting slow.

• Meditating every day, in the morning and before bedtime.
• Journaling, every day, before bedtime (includes tracking PM and other goals)

These goals works as self-reflection and self-forgiveness. Being able to let go is fucking crucial in reaching ones potential.

These are the goals I'm starting with. For, just like Goggins who prioritized studying for his ASVAB, it's best to start with the stuff that is most crucial. In my case it's slowly building up structure, a better mind and better self-knowledge. Without these I can't work on myself without failing.

​

 

I always wanted to follow the Goggins protocol by documenting Q & A to myself as I worked through the book like you're doing... This is dope! I'm gonna have to go back to Can't Hurt Me and participate in my next read through.

Cheers!

 

Do you have a computer? Use sticky notes.
A door only you use?
Curtains that hides them when rolled up?
Get creative! Only you know your environment and restrictions. Try out different things, see what works

 

I totally forgot about all this because of the last few days, but let me come up with some stuff!

Challenge #2

Insecurities
You got a preggo-belly!
Lift weights 3x a week
Walk everyday!
Eat clean!

Dreams
You wanna be a professional bass player?
Practice your fucking scales and arpeggios
Learn the popular songs
Read motherfucker read!

Goals
Stop jerking your time away cuck!
Make use of every moment
Live with intention
Porn is dead to you!

Sorry if it's graphic but he did say be raw about it!