Can't seem to have it my way

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Pat-rick, Feb 3, 2018.

  1. Pat-rick

    Pat-rick Fapstronaut

    I can't seem to figure out what it is about not being in a relationship for so long and still being a virgin that bothers me so much.

    On the one hand I do enjoy being able to do whatever it is that I want and not having to consider someone else who I'd be in a relationship with.

    Then on the opposite side of things I'll be out with friends and since I live in a college town the women are young and absolutely stunningly beautiful, almost to the point where it seems unreal.

    The first notion that I had was that this desire is innate and probably not something I'm going to be able to suppress, which I think most people would agree.

    I know I have to decide for my own how to proceed but does anyone have any advice on how to suppress that carnal desire? I've gone my entire life without having sex and I don't have any idea how to remedy the situation.

    My fight or flight response keeps telling me to flight and I can't seem to hit the reset button. I'm so incredibly petrified of talking to a woman that it's as if I'm being judged my nature itself and I feel as if I'll literally self destruct if I even haphazardly attempt.

  2. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    Do you think you're good enough?
    Do you think you are deserving of love or capable of it?
  3. So basically you’re scared to talk to women which is why you are a virgin and continue to be?
    Kenzi likes this.
  4. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

    Your post is long and well articulated. Especially because the only thing you're really trying to say is that you have a fear of interacting with women. Which leads me to believe you spend too much time in your own head. Especially when a beautiful woman comes along.

    Do you want a relationship or don't you? Decide and commit so that you aren't hesitating and debating inside your head when opportunities come your way.

    What you're basically doing right now is placing these women above you and you below them. Then you try to think of a way to close that gap. You're trading your self worth to gain approval from strangers just because of their physical attributes. It's due to lack of experience. It's you placing importance on physical beauty.
  5. j_pwc_bat

    j_pwc_bat Fapstronaut

    28 days is a Great streak !!!! You are getting stronger & stronger every day!

    You said, "The first notion that I had was that this desire is innate and probably not something I'm going to be able to suppress, which I think most people would agree."
    I agree with you 100%.

    You can score one of the college hotties -- or any woman! Absolutely!

    Try these simple steps:
    1. Join 1 or more of the Free Dating websites of your choice. ...... (only takes 5 minutes -- and is totally free).
    2. Once there, you can look at women who have qualities (hair color, eye color, height, etc.) that you like.
    You can study their profile, give a Short hello/hi/Hey............. this is practicing. Practicing will give you
    experience with women [note: women are Only human -- millions are dying for conversation & affection etc.]
    3. Experience will give you confidence and peace. With increased confidence, you will be able to start a friendship-relationship with a woman online ... or a woman you see during your day. (If you have time available that day.) TIP: *The man is in charge (a positive leader). So set a "tone"... or "theme" early on........... of a sincere, FRIENDSHIP. Take a little time to get to know (and understand) the hygienic lassie of your choice.

    Go shopping (see number 1 above)! :)
    Last edited: Mar 4, 2018
  6. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    The two gentleman above me are pretty much spot on.

    The only thing I would add is to be patient with your process, especially if you feel you aren't able to just 'do it' right away. Understand that you are only getting better with more and more experience, many guys here would probably tell you that they had to fail many, many times before they knew what they were doing.
    Knighthawk and Deleted Account like this.
  7. kio_actualized

    kio_actualized Fapstronaut

  8. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    If somebody is still virgin when older than 30, the cause is 99.99% absolutely clear.
    Read the books No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover and Models by Mark Manson.
    Even if you think you dont need them, read them, trust me you need them.
    They have the answers you are looking for.
    Deleted Account and Lonewolfpt like this.
  9. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    Yeah, he's made a conscious choice to not have sex until he's married!

    Who are you who claims to know all things and all people?
    Hitto and Darke2009 like this.
  10. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    WTF. Absolutely IRRELEVANT. Even if he did, my advice would still fully applied.

    These are not pick up books how to get laid but books that identifies your emotional baggage and counterproductive behavior developed from early childhood that sabotage your creating of relationships with any women (potentional wife, potentional girlfriend or just one night stand - it doesnt matter, it applies to them all).

    By 30 everybody has met so many women and has so many opportunities to create relationship and if they dont, the problem is not everybody else but it lies within the person. If you want you can still continue bullshiting yourself that you are just victim of not meeting the special one, you are perfectly fine, but it wont bullshit anybody else.
    Last edited: Mar 5, 2018
  11. The Wrestler

    The Wrestler Fapstronaut

    Guy - I'm 31, I am a man, and I have made a conscious choice to not have sex til I'm married. No bullshit, no lies. A decision.
    People are too complex for you to look at them with such a narrow scope. The harshness of your comments seems to be a bit more of a reflection of who you are, more than anything.
  12. Jen@8675309

    [email protected] Distinguished Fapstronaut

    This is all your opinion only, you don't get to tell everyone else how to run their lives. Be respectful.
  13. JustinX

    JustinX Fapstronaut

    Gosh Jen why you are always fighting me??? Like girl on elementary school...

    And actually I agree with you: I dont get to tell everyone else how to run their lives. Nowhere in my post is that I am doing that. That is their own decision to make based on all available information.I am only sharing this information and my experiences that helped me in similar situation. And you dont get to tell me that I cant do that.

    And I am respectful: I give respect where it is due.
  14. CrimsnBlade

    CrimsnBlade Fapstronaut

    I waited to have sex until I was married and I think it was a great choice, no regrets there, so don't feel bad that you're a virgin. The good thing is, my wife waited too, and now neither of us have anything to compare to, so we are the best each other has ever had because we're the only person we've ever done that with. Pretty cool if you think about it.

    My advice would be to just work on yourself. Do things that can build your confidence, however small they are. Books are helpful, but eventually you have to take action and make a change. It can be scary at first, but once you take that step, you'll realize that you're still ok, that you can do it, and your confidence will build. It's all about how you see yourself. Don't be someone you aren't just to fit in. Once you're confident in you, and you don't gain confidence from external sources (i.e. approval of others), then you will be able to do whatever you want, because you'll realize that the only opinion of you that matters is your own.
  15. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

    There's many opportunities I was offered sex and turned it down lol I agree it can be a conscious decision people have fallen victim hookup culture and don't understand that people don't want to have sex with people that don't interest outside physical appearance
  16. Hitto

    Hitto Fapstronaut

    99.99 percent of your opinion is subjective lol
  17. I agree with you I am in that situation I am 30 years old virgin and fit into the mister nice guy! Only now i see woman are not to be treat or do not like to be treat as equal, but still my mind is so confused all of my life i avoided woman I desired them I chase them but then when it came to close i just couldn't handle it. I will read those books. I even was thinking about going on road of Gandhi.
  18. SirImprovement

    SirImprovement Fapstronaut

    I highly recommend checking out "Simple Pickup" on YouTube. One of the creators of the YouTube channel suffered from social anxiety.

    Also, they show guides to begin on talking to girls.

    But seriously though, it's what's INSIDE that you need fixing. I was in somewhat of your situation. The only way I could talk, communicate and engage with females where by coincidence, or forced to do a project-related stuff. Promised myself that'd I'd grow a pair when starting university, and just asked a bunch of girls out. Worked like a charm, and started to get girls numbers. Still don't have the balls to start a text, but I'm working on it.

    Goal --> Plan --> Initiate --> Learn --> Repeat.
  19. The original poster reminds me of myself 20 or so years ago.

    The advice I would give myself then from me today is:

    1. Women don't assume you are trying to pick them up if you just talk to them. Obviously if you are in a bar and she is a stranger this is different. But bars are not great anyway for meeting a potential gf.
    2. Just be yourself, but don't talk about yourself ( this last point is really important). Ask them about themselves. Say nice things.
    3. Even just say Hi. It will get you places.

    It really is that simple.

    Most women are way more reserved than guys.

Share This Page