Catching out

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Hotpotts, Oct 5, 2017.

  1. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    This is so frustrating!.
    My SO has been using P throughout our almost 7 year relationship. I only realised the extent of the problem in the last couple of years
    We have had a few discussions .The latest, he was more receptive to hearing my feelings and thougjts and said he was 'falling into old habits' but didnt think he was addicted to P.
    I think he knows its a problem. I think hes stopped watching P but doesnt realise that Psubs are harmful too. He said he would watch a video but i dont think he has.
    While we were on holiday recently i think he had abstained for a while. I actually managed to make him O from going down on him. He suffers from DE. So this was a major achievement!
    We had sex a few times and also he was waking me up in the middle of the night for sex. This happened 3 times over two weeks. I was loving it.!
    Now we are back home its back to the old routine. Sex on wednesday or saturday when we go out for a drink - basically he has to be at least tipsy, more often a bit drunk to make love to me. We very rarely have sex sober.

    I believe he is going home during the day and MO. Possibly to Psubs.
    I also believe he possibly has a secret stash of intoxicants to give him a 'lift' ( i think he then thinks this makes him a better lover). We both used to indulge every now and then but i gave it up 10 months ago.
    Or he is watching Psubs to get turned on.
    He really struggles to talk to me about any of this and is a shy person. He has lied to me and wont admit the truth.
    Ive had enough of being suspicious. I dont want to accuse him of things unless i know it is true. I feel the only way to confront him again is to catch him out. Then i know whether he is telling the truth or not.
    How did others find out the truth? Did you catch them out, spy, have a confrontation or a confesdion?
    How can i do this without spying on him or lying and deceiving him
  2. WantsToBelieve

    WantsToBelieve Fapstronaut

    This is a pretty tough one. Without hard evidence it's hard to make sure that he won't just lie to you. I know this firsthand. To be honest, the best way to start letting him know that you are suspicious is just to tell him straight up. Wait for the right moment, sit him down and just blurt it out. "Look, I've been having these intuitive feelings that you might be doing this behind my back and I want to be on the same page with you on how we both feel about it so we can start to work on it, whatever that means." or something along those lines.

    If he knows you are suspicious, though, he might try harder to hide it from you (that's what mine did), and that is dangerous too. Really, an open dialogue for both of you is what's needed here. He needs to be able to express whatever feelings he is having, and you do too. It doesn't sound like you have a very communicative relationship, and it also seems like you think of him a lot more than he thinks of you, and you are left to assume things and come to conclusions about what he's doing and why. If he cares about you enough, he will make an effort to help you understand his problems so that you both can begin to heal.

    Personally, I looked at his phone. He didn't know I had until I told him what I'd found, but he knows damn well not to be hypocritical after lying to me for so long. I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but if I hadn't looked, I doubt he would have ever told me the whole truth, and we wouldn't be working on it right now. I would be blissfully ignorant. Well... not so blissfully, I'd be torturing myself inside still. So, in my honest opinion, do whatever you need to do in order for him to see the problem. You know him better than anyone here.
    Torn likes this.
  3. sparkywantsnoPMO

    sparkywantsnoPMO NoFap Moderator & Yeoman
    Staff Member

    Has he agreed P was a problem and your sex life was better without it? Did he buy into needing to get free of it?

    You could ask him if he feels like your sex life is getting back to the old way, and if so, is it because he’s using again.
  4. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    We are both in our mid 40s.
    His firsy semi serios relationship when he was 25 but this was heavily involved in the rave scene. Parties staying up all night etc.
    Then he spent at leady 8 years single which is when i think his habits got heavily into P. ( from reading up on PA this is probably why he is single).
    He had another 3 year relationship. Then a year single. Then he met me.
    He has always struggle to O but it was possible for the first 6 months to a year.
    We have had a coue of years when he maybe only had an O with me maybe 5 times. Then we had a summer when i was at home alot and the O was easy he was open to me coming on to him and then I realised it wasnt my fault he couldnt O. It was something he was doing on his oen.
    I researched and researched and eventually found Your Brain on P. I realised the problem.
    Things have improved and we do have good sex, not quite as intimate as i would like or as often as i would like.
    To be honest i dont think he has ever had a truly deep and passionate physical love life without P being in the background.. We have had moments like this and i can feel him letting go and losing himself in my body but then he snaps back into reality.
    Its almost as if he is afraid to fall in love with me.
    I just wish i could show him how good a sex life could be with no other distrations in the navkground
  5. NF4L

    NF4L Fapstronaut

    I feel your story has some parallelisms with my journey dealing to PMO and hope you can find some insights in my response.

    It is frustrating! As a PA I would spin a web of lies and deceit upon my life, including my SO. I am just beginning my journey on my life without PM, and don't know all the answers to help. I know during most of my use of P I was definitely hot and cold when it came to relating with my SO. I can see how my actions, reactions, shutting down, isolation, self soothing through PMO, and lack of conversation with my SO had contributed to her feeling frustrated.

    It is great that you are having conversations and communicating with each other and being heard. I used to call it a "bad/dirty/horrible/old habit", and that I wasn't addicted to P. I did this because I felt ashamed of what I was doing, was too embarrassed to admit it, and didn't want to burden those around me: including my SO. As a man, he can feel like he is supposed to be strong and can provide, but then feel weak when he has to rely on PMO to have a release to feel better about himself.
    I was this way when I was using and had escalated with my P use. I was so concerned about my performance for my SO, that I would often only sleep with her when I was inebriated or buzzed. I never had an issue with PIED, and thought even Ming before being intimate with my wife would help me please her more, or the desensitization of alcohol would create a DE.

    This was the case for me, especially with the PMO starting so young in life. I have always been afraid to fall in love with my SO for most of the nearly two decades together. When I am not PMOing constantly we had some of the most intense intimacy together. Even when she challenged me to not use PM, I would still go back to PMO. There is a deep level of shame, regret, lies and pain that my SO had to break through with a lifetime of love, compassion, patience, encouragement, and forgiveness.

    I apologize if this didn't really help you, but for me it all came out when my SO find my special collection of P I had been saving. She confronted me about it, and knew the depth of my escalation of P had become. She was willing to listen and not be judgemental, which allowed me to realized I had no choice but to be honest about my problems. It was only then could I admit my PA, and take the steps to be free from P and M.
  6. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

    I used to lie and keep the lie up, I'm trying very hard to be honest today I was confronted about masterbation i lied at first but then fessed up. I felt I needed to. I don't watch porn anymore and I've gone 2 weeks before but I need to stop masterbation. I'm getting better but I need to be more honest and not resort to my old ways. The only way to help is to confront him. For me it's so hard to be honest it's so scary but I know I need to. I'm trying really hard to be better and I've come a long way.
    Hotpotts likes this.
  7. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    It does help alot. Hearing the mans perspective always helps.
    Im not sure he does feel ashamed, i think he just abstains for my benefit. I think he knows he has some sort of problem because its so hard to O with me but doesnt see the link between P or M and DE. Again if he had ever had that truly deep experience he would know how amazing sex with the person you love can be. I wish he would give me the chance to show him.
  8. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    Please please just be honest with your SO.
    The only way we can truly trust again is if you are honest with us, no matter what you have done.
  9. Chudmeister

    Chudmeister Fapstronaut

    I'm trying, the lie has always been my safety blanket, I'm trying hard not to do it. Changing this is tough but do able. I'm going to not lie I have to be better.
  10. Hotpotts

    Hotpotts Fapstronaut

    If my SO could openly admit to what he is doing or has done i think i would cry with relief.
    I know being completely honest is hard. Try doing it in your daily life too then its accross the board. No white lies to kids, cold callers anything. Trust me your SO will be more tesponsive. It will help to break that cat and mouse chase of deception and suspision

Share This Page