Catholic question, Very nearLy at day 20 9pm today but:

But idk if I’ve ruined my streak is given into temptation slightly due to lack of sleep and being bored in bed but refuting it in the end and stopping after 2 or 3 minutes a relapse? Do I have to change my pmo counter now? I don’t think it’s a true relapse so don’t really want to plus was a victory in many ways ays as ended up rebuking the temptation

thinking I need to goto mass tomorrow while at mums so asking around to see if it’s acceptable after all still 2 weeks until I speak to this priest and no confessionary since I was a kid and went once to confession there. Only the one true time I have confessed.

I know in Anglican Churches and indeed catholic theirs a communal confession at the start of mass, would that be sufficient to cleanse my self and be ready for holt communion, I have emailed two churches the one I’m planning on going to in my home town and one near mums which is anglican but they do have a catholic service

 

OK might well do. Went to church asked for a blessing instead of taking Holy communion. I thought gotta to and at least try while I feel up to it never know when I might be able to go again.

In hindsight don't like the ritual as much as I thought I would so going to seek elsewhere for my salvation perhaps unitarian again or Methodist.

 

Hmm this may curse me here but thinking of backing of from finding a church but continue reading the Bible and praying but implementing some Toltec self mastery and any other self improvement booksni can find. I've downloaded the app mind you but I don't think I've done myself any favours by seeking out a church I feel comfortable in. I guess though I succeeded in going to church I've failed in belief. I still will always believe in God and prob always have. But I also think all paths exist for a reason and though it's back fired in the past mostly psychedelic shamanism attempts. It's worth revisiting tilted wisdom but undecided.

Don Miguel ruiz uses a lot of Christian terminology is the snake of lies wraps itself around the tree of knowledge but the tree of wisdom remains pure. So although.others may disagree with me I don't think there conflicted.

But yet I won't hold a grudge if people try to turn me away from such a path but I probably wont pay.much heed. I've left the discord chat room. But will still be around on nofap as still have an issues with pmo something I still need to battle and will seek to live like Jesus does it with compassion and forgiveness.

Also there's the war of art I need to.listen too by toole I think.

Prob only partly doing as above I said because you can't be a Christian without church according to the internet.and so I shall no longer call myself a Christian let alone catholic. But will still believe and follow some of the way of Christ.

 

Yer still doesn't think Catholicism I'd really for me though. I just felt alien while there. So I don't think I belong plus didn't know any of the responses to the priest...been 20 years so. I shall battle on that's for sure might not give up on Christian yet. Maybe it's just a bad day after battling all that anxiety feeling defeated.

Of home tomorrow. Then shall get back into my old structure but idk if I should use my catholic prayer books I've brought or any thing now. I would be a hypocrite to pray in away one just bashed ie to much ritual of Catholicism so going to do abide meditation and then pray from the heart tonight

 

Cheers my fortress for that app on place suggested got it on right now it's not in your face like I imagined evangelicalism to be listening to the narrow path seems like I stumbled on it seems like its settling some of my doubts. I.e. feelings of defeat and disappointment etc.

Might stick with it a bit longer.

And cheers mkj does make me feel a but better that it's not a mortal sin. I shall try to keep on the way for the moment.

I am glade I went to church and found out my faults more then the faults of the Catholic Church... even if it's not I feel for me... Going to try and try again because I'm quite a trying individual. sorry for the double post but felt the need to thank my fortress and clear up a few things was a tad too exhausted and down earlier.

For now I'll still consider myself a Christian. Just one without a church for the moment. As long as I pray and believe in salvation and try to live by the law of the biblr even if I don't achieve it then I think I can say that.

Ok I need sleep tomorrow travel home then get settled back in. Cancelled the order for then Toltec books btw.

 

Still conflicted about what to do where to go, so just gonna sit alone on my tod reading my bible and continue with Devine office prayer and other catholic dings while continueing to investigate different denominations.

Realised some of my folly of rushing into things before I’m certain but glade I tried church even if it didn’t really answer questions I was having, maybe it’s not the right time for me, to be honest was mostly bothered about not knowing the responses to the preist during mass. Felt like a newbie, but I guess that’s just what I am, wish i didn’t cancel the appointment with the father but also wishing I didn’t spam him via email.

idk wasn’t the worst experience, I came out of church on a high but it crashed when I realised there was no sudden change of my mentality with an irotated mother when i came back and a talk to my Methodist aunt who said just because you where raised catholic doesn’t mean you have to stay that way... so all I all my family is all over the place catholic farther baptist mother(who raised me) aunt who is Methodist and a Calvinist grandparents... in retrospect no wonder why I’m so confused ha.

I thought it would reinforce my faith I guess it did just i Christianity not in catholicism. Im sure there’s a better way to pray and worship for me.

still tempted to go Calvinist/Church of England might be the lite catholicism I’m looking for, but I think they beleive in people predetermined to goto hell.

btw does anyone know of any uk tv stations on freeview or freeway? Maybe roku but if I can’t get my porn addiction to stop might leave the internet. Don’t mind if it’s not catholic, tbh off put by the no condom or birth control though totally understand why and questions over there no lgbt stance though also so why but it’s not up to me to dictate to people who are truly gay nor a church. As long as there is love and wedlock and no casual sex. Let love guide the way be you strait bisexual or gay.

about unitarian free churches they are semi Christian but where Christianity and other faiths can all show each other the way forward all paths lead to the Devine I’m quite liking that idea we all have things to teach and learn from different faiths, though I’m committed to being a Christian even in the Unitarian church.


personally I’m planning on staying single with no more sin... no matter how I turn out.

 

Ok so now I’m looking into Christian solitudes, desert Abbas and ammas of old. So don’t think it’s essential to have a church to belong too other then the greater church virtually a hermit anyway or have at times, and still you can call yourself a Christian, and follow catholic or what not systems of beleif. might take from those early hermits some ideas, fasting more often living more austere keeping prayer and contemplative silence(though this may be a tricky bit due to voices and what not). Its the praying and studying scripture and early desert farthers and mothers that count. As long as your getting closer to god.


that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it... for now.

Sir spamalot out, for now... now to crack open my evening prayers from book of Christian prayers and maybe I’ll do the rosary for 15-30mins. Cant get on with the book of common prayer(church of England)

 

day 23 no porn day 3 no erm m yer that will do. So nothing to really report so far today didn't wake up with morning glory so no temptation then. I failed to do my morning prayer though might just do some generic prayers did do the lords prayer maybe the most important prayer to do. I really need to memories some more.

Maybe hail holy queen a prayer that I truly love to say during the rosery.

Also, need to memories some penance prayers... for when sinful thoughts cross my mind.

Seeing as I'm staying Catholic I'm going to dig out my ingation spirituality book and do that over the next few months. See if I feel more closer to God by the end of it... though I do worry about doing such exercises without a mentor... might lead me into OCD territory neurotic(with social anxiety, gad and people phobia, plus a generous dose of paranoia) enough as It is.

Still unsure if I should be praying out loud or silently, i know private prayers according to Jesus in the bible should be done in just that private behind closed doors so you don't act or come across hypocritical but i think that's near impossible in an Orwellian built flat. You can hear anything through the floor.

Might do a mid-day rosary to make up for not doing the morning prayer.

About church decided that truly not happening till i can get into volunteering or get out my flat more and overcome my issues. I decided that's why I didn't enjoy church not because of the mass but because of my own anxieties. But glad I don't now have to have a chitta chatter with that priest but it was a cop-out I know.

Just my thoughts of the day hopefully the lack of temptation will continue now and I can remain porn free for the remainder of my day but alas I'm only human and may suffer from temptation and may one day not feel the same way.

I do believe I'm still being faithful to christ now more than ever in my life. One day I shall get back to church and find a company but its way to close to my addictive ways to be considering it. Plus i have the perfect excuse what with covid floating about, can now worship at home on Sundays and not be against the churches teaching.

 

your right ofc I've been sidetracked by the dogma not the person and his beliefs. i shall zip it a bit more from now on.

 

Relapsed a bit: felt a loss of faith, laid down to rest up, got bored... didn’t use porn or orgasm, wasn’t even that fun.

Hope I can rekindle my faith, shall read the bible a bit maybe pray a bit. I’ve been procrastinating lately about reading the bible or if I’m absorbing the wisdom prob isn’t help by my want to only use a physical bible... not going to beat myself up about it this time because negative reinforcement tends to make me rebel hard.

also totally relapsed back onto snus/tobacco lately after 17 days or more

 

Relapsed a bit: felt a loss of faith, laid down to rest up, got bored... didn’t use porn or orgasm, wasn’t even that fun.

Hope I can rekindle my faith, shall read the bible a bit maybe pray a bit. I’ve been procrastinating lately about reading the bible or if I’m absorbing the wisdom prob isn’t help by my want to only use a physical bible... not going to beat myself up about it this time because negative reinforcement tends to make me rebel hard.

also totally relapsed back onto snus/tobacco lately

 

True... but idk Protestant sermons seem to be where I’m heading rather then catholic, there’s a miles difference between mass and a sermon, like a trickle vs a flood.

very nearly brought that book earlier may still if I have enough money after bills go out