Caught between wanting an FWB and a GF

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Lostbutfound, Aug 29, 2018.

  1. Lostbutfound

    Lostbutfound Fapstronaut

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    As a guy I have to ask a few questions just to sate my curiosity, has anyone ever had an FWB? If so was it even worth having one or a few? The pros and cons of it. Has anyone here ever struggled with wanting a gf and or an fwb? Is it wrong to even have an fwb?

    I always tried to live my life as much of a gentleman (totally questionable on the gentleman part) as I possibly could and get a gf, and not be that dude who's known for sleeping with any and every girl but that part of me comes up every once in a while wants to run up and down the place and plow the easy girls that are around me. Here's a question, how do you deal with such feelings?

    Thank you, btw for the feedback.
     
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  2. TheBigBadWolf

    TheBigBadWolf Fapstronaut

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    You just gotta do what your heart tells you to do! If you are looking for a serious relationship then focus on dating a girl who you can see a long term relationship with the more you get to know her. If you are looking for some fun then FWB is a way to sate that hunger. Just go with the flow, and don't worry about it. It's your life do what you feel is right.
     
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  3. torrace

    torrace Fapstronaut

    As I am asexual, I just cannot picture myself having an FWB. However I did really want a GF to spend my life with. So I tried many methods to try and meet ladies:
    • Tinder - sadly none of the ladies I met there were looking for anything serious. Thankfully none of them wanted to be FWB.
    • Blind dates - not bad, as I always get a number. Unfortunately, I could only the ladies for 1 month before I got rejected. Such is life.
    • Workplace - I dated a girl for 3 months but got rejected. She showed attraction but didn't want to commit with me.
    • Hobbies - dated a girl for 5 months. Got used thoroughly as she never offered to pay for anything. She also cancelled/ditched me last minute multiple times.
    • Meetup - quite tough to get dates through the different events. But I met my wife there :)
     
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  4. Freefaller

    Freefaller Fapstronaut

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    I had a FWB. We did sex stuff and had fun. What I found out later though is she was really hurt by the whole thing. I felt/feel awful about it to this day. Don't be me. I think it's a good idea to talk about the direction of a relationship if things are getting physical. Usually more often than not, someone is putting on an act and they want more.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2018
  5. AtomicTango

    AtomicTango Fapstronaut

    Putting aside morality for a second, I think its normal to want to sleep with a lot of women. I'm very sexually repressed and try to stick to my own self-enforced moral guidelines (that would make having a FWB a no no) but if you were to present me with the opportunity, I would probably snap it up, with the only thing maybe stopping me being the threat of porn induced ED, which tbf may not even affect me anymore due to how far along I am on the streak. You have to do what feels right for you, I'm not going to tell you to not get out there and have a good time because if I did I would be a raging hypocrite, although having said that I would consider the potential ways it could affect your PMO recovery.
     
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  6. Atlanticus

    Atlanticus Moderator Assistant
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    Sounds like an honest question, but one that may be more PMO-influenced than meets the eye.

    If we want to be promiscuous -- like me -- it's a sign that we do not really want to be in love, imo. "Having" a SO is not the same as being in a committed love relationship. In a sense, such a GF is already a FWB because there's not enough love to blot out other skin-deep opportunities. Perhaps this happens when we get hitched too early, before being ready to commit.

    Either way, I'm not in favor of FWB -- that tends to cut deeper one way than the other. I'm not in favor of sleeping around either (though I've done it): that too can get messy in a heartbeat. Nor do I favor "having" a GF as a pastime.

    The only thing I believe in is to reboot and build our lives life until we know what we want.
     
  7. Just take some time and answer why you are here on this forum in the first place, you might say it's for self-improvement, and it totally is. But what are we improving?
    One of the things we are improving is trying to look at women as REAL people instead of potential sexual or even just romantic partners. In this sense, being a gentleman is KEY to talking to women, and especially if you want to date a woman. The problem with starting a FWB relationship is that it is exactly the opposite of being a gentleman, you aren't putting her needs first and you aren't treating her like a real women, what you are doing is using her as a physical masturbation device. Many might say "Oh, well we are both okay with it so it's fine," but being okay with intentionally using each other for sex is not even close to a justification for FWB, all it means is that you are both intentionally ignoring the damage you are doing to each other just for some sexual pleasure which is fleeting and doesn't last. It's the exact same as PMO, we all know something is wrong with doing it but we do it anyways for instant satisfaction.
    So in that sense, having a girlfriend isn't really that much different than a FWB, because you are both using each other for sex, as well as getting that gushy warm fuzzy "love/romantic" feeling when you are a couple. You are essentially stripping down a relationship and just cherry-picking the easy and good parts while rejecting the things a real relationship needs, which is commitment.
    If you really love a woman, you should be able to love her without sex or even physical contact, otherwise your are in love with her body. So that makes marriage a very good institution for testing real love, although it's definitely not perfect but it is the best we have got.
    Of course not everyone agrees with marriage being the only grounds for having sex, but you have to ask yourself, if sex is an expression of love (hence the term "make love"), than shouldn't you be able to wait for only one person? Or do you want more than one person, and is it really just sex that you want instead of the person themselves.
    As for how you deal with these feelings, you need to decide what is morally acceptable and once you have done that, live and die by that moral code.
    Trust me man, we as men have some really strong sexual desires, the key is to control these desires and direct this energy we have towards good causes. PMO is NOT a good place to be spending our sexual energy, and you have to ask yourself if a FWB/GF is a good place to be using your sexual energy.
     
    Jason_Tesla_19 likes this.
  8. tomsko

    tomsko Fapstronaut

    Sharing a similar story to you :) Did my research too so maybe I can help a little :) First of all - one of my mottos in life is that you have to experiment and try everything you find interesting - otherwise you will regret it on your deathbed. So my answer will have that "smell".

    If you want to try FBW, go for it. Just 2 important thing from my viewpoint - bad idea of bfw and a bad person. FWB can be interesting because you see only sex, sex, sex free and often! (this is given by your girlfriend, even better). Fwb even gives that strange feeling of adrenaline - you are technically having intercourse with a stranger! But in the end - there is no love and as I remember one quote "Sex without love/feelings feels like masturbation, but you had to spend a lot more energy to get it"... And if you 2 are not totally independent, neurochemistry will have bad effects on one of you. Somebody will be left attached, hurt, sad. IMO it is better to get a girlfriend - you get every benefit of fwb - take tons of bonuses + learn life skills... And the love of a person is better than non-attached sex. I remember one woman said "It hurt because I couldn't even ask him how he was..." - idk if that were the rules, but still not very nice... But if you want to try fwb - try it! It is your life!

    Just be careful with the other person. If she is really independent - willing to try it, great! But remember she can be a psychopath too. She can have mental problems. She can create extreme problems for you in life. So be veery careful who you chose.

    good luck, stay strong! :)
     
  9. Sharksvv

    Sharksvv Fapstronaut

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    I’ve wanted a FWB dynamic before and I ended up seeing escorts for a while, the sex felt meaningless and empty, it was nice to climax don’t get me wrong but when I walked out that door I felt dead inside.

    Ultimately I ended up getting my first girlfriend almost 2 years ago now, thankfully the relationship is still going strong and let me tell you, the sex actually means something. When I was having sex with those escorts never at one point did they say “I love you” while we were doing the act and nor will any FWB. I didn’t feel like saying it either because I didn’t love them, they were just an opject for me to objectify.

    But with my girlfriend she says that and I say it and we both mean it.

    That’s what sex really is supposed to be.
     
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  10. MJHurt

    MJHurt New Fapstronaut

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    Really everyone is different so the only thing to do is go for one or the other. With FWB it's hard not to get attached for the girl, but that's not a universal phenomena either. I had a FWB for awhile but she got attached and we both agreed to break it off. Found out it really wasn't my thing either, but I know a few people who do it and it works out just fine. Also the idea that you are either someone who sleeps with all the girls you see or is just monogomous is a bit of a false dichotomy. Everybody needs sex, it's a basic human need. Nothing wrong with having fun and with a casual hookup. You can have a casual sex without losing your ability to be romantically intimate. There's also in between where you might hookup with someone a few times and find you really like them and it leads to something more, or not.

    Everyone's different man and what works or doesn't work is different, so really I think your only course of action is to go out there and experiment, see what you like and don't like my dude.
     
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  11. TheDarkLight

    TheDarkLight Fapstronaut

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    Never had FWB or GF. FWB is no strings attached. No drama. No responsibilities. There is also always a chance to deepen your relationship with each other. You could also cheat on one another, even though I'm not a fan of this.

    GF, on the other hand, is something more serious. Requires exclusive relationship, responsibility, loyalty, commitment, spending time and money on her, and possibility of becoming an unexpected parent.

    I missed my chances when I was in school and college. Tried dating at work. All it did is land me in a friend zone a bunch of times and broke my heart. Tried online dating, dating apps, and blind dating. No luck. Sticking to traditional dating now with no luck. But you never know.
     
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2018
  12. TheDarkLight

    TheDarkLight Fapstronaut

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    If sex is what you are after, then FWB. If love is more important than you, or if you are ready to settle down, then GF. However, do note that sex without love is worse than not having sex at all. It will damage you.
     
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  13. Eisenhans

    Eisenhans New Fapstronaut

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    FWB is bullshit. The moment when feelings are kicking in will ruin this and make everything worse. If you don't know what you want you are not in the best position to start a relationship (GF/FWB). There is a high risk that you will be the part who one day wants the relationship to be more. Getting from FWB to GF with the same person is possible but not guaranteed. So consider to take care of you and your feelings. The Fantasy of having FWB is in my opinion porn-related. In the process of quitting PMO it could make things difficult.
    My advice for you is to focus on yourself. Do things that you want and feel good for you. Give yourself priority in your life. Grow. And figure out, what you really want in life. And believe me, in long term it definately won't be FWB.
     
    TheDarkLight likes this.
  14. I've been in a FWB situation, and it was great--the most consistently awesome sex I've ever had. She was someone I had been friends with for a while and there had been some flirtatiousness, and we just talked about it one day and we were very clear from the start what we were doing. Also, we were both seeing other people, so there wasn't anything like a monogamous dynamic. And yeah, like I said, it went pretty great. Now, that being said, would I do it again? No, that's not what I'm looking for, but at the time, yeah, it was a blast.
     
  15. Also, I wanna add that the sex in that scenario wasn't "meaningless" just 'cause we were FWB. We were close friends, and we brought that dynamic to the sex. But no, it wasn't like sex in a committed relationship.
     

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