Caught my dad watching porn. What do I do?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by Panda.RN, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. Panda.RN

    Panda.RN Fapstronaut

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    I've known my dad has had an addiction to porn for a long time. My mom has shared this with me in the past to help me with my own struggles. However, my dad has never talked to me about it. I never got the birds and the bees talk from him either growing up (I'm 26, he's 67). I would assume it's because he is ashamed and doesn't want his family, especially his son, thinking less of him. Of course this would never be the case. I love him no matter what and have never thought less of him for what I know (I don't even know if he knows that I know).
    This morning I woke up early around 4:45 to go the bathroom and I saw across the hall that my dad was in the computer room. He was watching P. Now, I've known he's done this before, but I've never actually witnessed it. My mom knows all about his struggles over their 30 year marriage. It has been difficult for her but she has stuck by my dad through it all. My question is, what should I do? Should I leave it alone because they have dealt with this together for years? or, should I talk to my dad? Should my mom be made aware? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
     
  2. VanillaMochi

    VanillaMochi Fapstronaut

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    Focus on your recovery and in time share your experience with him.
     
  3. LustFREE

    LustFREE Fapstronaut

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    Maybe try either sending or leave a browser open with the Youtube link of Your Brain on Porn for him to find (and NoFap.org of course).
     
  4. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Honestly man, if he's anything like my dad, nothing you say or do will help much. Of course you can try, but pride is a powerful thing, and men their age, they got alotta pride.
     
  5. NoBrainer

    NoBrainer Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    I agree with VanillaMochi. At the moment just focus on yourself. Focus on your own improvement, and get some more days on your counter. Once you start to see the positive benefits of nofap, that might be the time to confront him. Not only would you be letting him know what he's doing is a problem, you'd be letting him know it's possible to abstain.

    I trust if you decide to tell him, you can do so in a way so that he feels supported. You mentioned you'd love him no matter what. Tell him that, I think it would help .

    But for now, I recommend getting up to at least 30 days yourself before confronting him.

    All the best. :)
     
  6. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    I absolutely agree with VanillaMochi. Think of it this way, my dad has been smoking for over 30 years. I love him to death and I've wanted him to quit so many times. Your dad is dealing with his own battles with his porn addiction as my dad with his smoking. I started to think that it's more important to focus on me rather that my dad, but at the same time, spend every minute with him as much as you can. My dad is going through a lot right now, but I try to keep him happy. It's not really about my dad's health but my own health; he'd rather see his own son grow up to be a good man and do good things some day. So don't worry too much about it. Just focus on you. Sometimes when we get involved it creates more drama for us. But if you feel that it's good to confront him, go for it. Good luck with your decision./
     
  7. Rewired

    Rewired Fapstronaut

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    Yup, same here. I think all the advice on here is solid. If you really did want to talk to him about it, it'd be best to discuss your experiences only, presented to him as a personal problem you need his help with solving.
     
  8. Panda.RN

    Panda.RN Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it.
    Whenever I come to this site I always go incognito so it doesn't show up in the history (I realize now this makes absolutely no sense) and this is a mistake. I'm sure he goes to the history to delete his usage and I'm sure he would see this site there so it wouldn't be so obvious that I left it for him. Maybe he would be curious about it and check it out. Thoughts?
    My life has completely turned around when it comes to my own struggles. I'm not perfect by any means but I have a whole new outlook. I've made it 70+ days before so I know that I'm improving slowly as I couldn't make it past one day in the recent past. I have also seen the changes in myself so I think I could share this with him if it came to a conversation about it.
     
  9. IGY

    IGY Guest

    MW: have you actually tried to talk to your dad about his porn addiction and help him with it, or have you assumed that he would simply dismiss your efforts?. If you did actually try, could you find another, better way to do so again? Remember, you are a man of experience and expertise in this addiction and, more importantly, in overcoming this addiction. Finally, pride has nothing to do with age, it is a personality/character flaw.
     
  10. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    IGY. Me and my dad have talked many times. It was always him trying to help me though. He had struggled for decades, but he never told me. Finally a few years ago I basically figured it out through very roundabout means. He called me and finally told me he had struggled with PMO. He included "if you tell anyone about this I'll beat you senseless." He said that too me when I was in the most pain of my entire life... He has never and will never do anything like that, but it illustrates the amount of pride he has. The fact through all those years he never told me...it would have helped to know that.

    Anyway. As far as I know he's been clean a long time.
     
  11. TotalLifeChange

    TotalLifeChange Fapstronaut

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    I don't think my dad has PMO addiction. Anyway, can you believe I discovered shemale porn in the browser history when we shared a computer??

    He was the one watching it, of course... I didn't know what to think about then.

    But you haven't specified how your dad would react if you talked to him about this.

    If you don't expect his reaction to be negative, I say be a man and tell him in a non-accusing way.

    I'm not trying to open a debate about "yeah, that's being a man, otherwise you're a pussy". I just mean hiding things only make problems worse. Maybe the word of his son is the tipping point for a huge positive change in his life.
     
  12. IGY

    IGY Guest

    Thanks for your reply MW. I understand. Masturbation + pornography is a kind of secret sin. I think most people will go to extraordinary lengths to ensure no one else ever finds out. I suppose it is because we feel so dirty doing it and we always want people to think well of us. It is ironic and a great pity that you cannot now rejoice in each other's success. But it remains unspoken. Yes, pride. We all have it.
     
  13. Panda.RN

    Panda.RN Fapstronaut

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    I don't think his reaction would be negative in any way. Maybe just a little awkward? And when to talk to him is also the question. He works 60+ hours a week in a factory and at his age he is starting to wear down more quickly. Not to mention, he isn't home that much without my mom around.
     
  14. TotalLifeChange

    TotalLifeChange Fapstronaut

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    Only you know the little details of the whole issue.

    Sometimes letting go can be the right answer too...

    My advice is, if you truly think talking to him will be positive/very positive overall, thenk talk to him. Don't shy away just because it's awkward if your parents life can improve.

    I tell you all this because I've tried to genuinely help my father in some other areas and not succeeded because of his attitude... so I don't wish the same for other who have the opportunity.
     
  15. MelancholyWeightlifter

    MelancholyWeightlifter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    Communication is not his strong suit. He rather pretend unpleasant things don't exist. Whatever, it's his loss he will not avail himself of help.
     
  16. XQJ-37

    XQJ-37 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a father and if my son came up to me and told me that there is a way out of this then I would be grateful that my son was together enough to see the problem in his own life and have the courage to talk to me about it. But I read that your dad didn't have the sex talk with you, probably because he doesn't know much about it. It's education that's the problem, this is the result of poor education and an antiquated view on sex. And that pride thing is a fucked up attitude of masculinity that's so prevalent in the west. Don't judge your dad because you know it's an addiction, he may not listen to you, I don't know what your relationship is like so your the best judge of that. You may have a son one day and will see the benefit in talking talk to him and guiding him through that period of puberty with solid life experience and education. Sex education is the key and there is enough scientific evidence now available to get past the “plumbing” and into what happens in the body.
     
  17. mvk06

    mvk06 Fapstronaut

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    What people said above seems very reasonable. Can you try to block P stuff on the computer? And also, as Lustfree has said, try to make him find links which make him understand how P is bad. You can confront him at some time - confrontation is needed. But when is the question. Till then, try to block the P stuff.
     

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