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Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by MelancholyWeightlifter, Apr 17, 2014.
Alright welcome ChundaKing!
I want celibacy too, but only until marriage. I decided to quit pmo and all the sexuality stuff, the thing is that i find really hard to not think about sex, i know that pmo it's not good for me, but sometimes my mind it's too focused on it and i just can't resist.
That is the hard thing, isn't it Kal-El? It's a learning process of trying to control your thoughts and not let every sexual thought turn into a huge fantasy.
I'm joining your group as well. I want to be celibate until/if I get married. If, no marriage I want to live a clean life.
I might as well be celibate. As much of a strong husband/father instinct I possess and as much as I love being intimate with a woman, I've realized nobody can really commit to a marriage anymore. I was with my fiance for four years and she broke up with me last month, I tried being "single and ready to mingle" but women are entirely unresponsive to me because they all just want someone to provide them with a little excitement for a little while then run off to whoever's more exciting. Since starting nofap I've felt much more focused, disciplined, aggressive, and have greater will power. To paraphrase Fight Club, there is freedom in giving up all hope. I used t hope to be a good husband and father, but that won't happen. I then hoped to find a wonderful companion, but that won't happen. I'm just not what women are looking for, so at this point I just need to strengthen my resolve in the crucible of self discipline and come to the point of zero sexual desire. When you really think about it, the belief that one day we'll find our perfect mates and we'll have issues we work out and joys to live, and lessons to learn together and that our love will be beautiful and help us to grow, is total bullshit. Some stupid fantasy put in our heads by romance films. The strength and healthy aggression I've built since no longer giving up my semen s also too amazing to want to give up to a woman. I'd love to go full celibate but there's this stupid part of me that doesn't get it and thinks maybe someday I'll have a mate, but that part of me needs to understand that it just can't happen because nobody can commit to anything these days.
OGCheshireCat. Your thoughts are so close to mine it's uncanny. I love that quote from fight club. Although I share your feelings of some part of me rebelling at this thought. We have to learn to destroy that hard wired part of our brain. In the end our "instinct" can go take a walk. WE are in control. It's so true about that idealised image of relationships we are fed, what a lie.
Anon...Why do you insist on trying to discourage everyone that wants to pursue this? Why do YOU personally feel the need to try to convince us that we should not try it? Does it make you feel like you may have the same fate? I'm not mad, I'm just trying to figure it out.
I'd also like to remind everyone to join the group!
Not celibate for life here, but I am doing hard mode for 91 days. I am married, so is possible for marrieds to do hard mode and heal and grow. I have not been the man my wife should have married 21 years ago, but she will finaly get to enjoy the new and improved me on day 91 and beyond.
I really admire those of you who are committed to be celibate until marriage. I truly believe there is a special and super awesome lady ready and waiting just for you. There are lots of ladies out there that would love to have a celibate virgin to give herself to on her wedding night, (or the next morning in my case.) So, do not be afraid of looking for a wife. But wait until you are healed and you can offer her a really awesome man, not one still living in the world of porn and self-love.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a celibate virgin on my wedding day and experienced my first intercourse with my wife. But I was a smuck and could not offer her what I now wished I could have, so day 91 is the best I can offer her, but it will be awesome.
Regarding my goal. ..my goal was to rid my mind of the constant sexual thoughts and memories that just kept coming even though I wanted to forget them forever. One of the links in my signature talks about that and for me was finally the answer. Not the answer I wanted to hear, but I think the truthful answer. Listen to it. Basically, the memories will never go away, but what you do with those memories is what effects you. At one time I savored the memories and the thoughts and rolled them into my next masturbation session and orgasm. Not no more. The memories of many of my sinful ways can be vivid in my mind, but I do not let them come out anymore. I divert them. This was a many week process that was successful for me. I pray it will be successful for you also. My defenses were up for a few weeks and every time a thought or memory tried to creep in, i had to consciously divert it. Now the thoughts do not even come anymore but and once in a great while, and then my mind is like on autopilot and does not give the thought the time of day.
Much success to each of you on your celibate journey. You are in for the ride of your life. Stay committed. Stay focused. Stay strong. Stay pornfree strong.
I think because celibacy is a really serious thing, open to abuse. You cant 'kill' your sexuality, because your sexuality is you. Too many people do incredible violence to themselves because they declare war on what is good and natural in them - usually the primary way in which we can express love for another in this life.
You really need to question your motives and this can take years. Are you afraid of sex? Afraid of women? Afraid of your sexuality? Afraid of trust? Afraid of being vulnerable and truly open with another?
You may honestly answer "no" to all this and still lead a good celibate life. But the real danger is that youre dressing up a weakness and playing it off as a strength. Most people would be so much better in the long run by putting themselves out there, testing the dating scene and giving yourself time to know yourself, know others and know how you can best love/connect. Otherwise you risk just retreating into yourself, putting up huge walls against others and basically dying.
Believe me, i've known enough 'celibate' men to know that they can become consumed right through with hatred and bitterness.
So speaking for Anon, I think that many reading this thread will think something along the lines of 'for a bunch of nofappers, these guys sound like a pack of wankers'
"For a bunch of nofappers, these guys sound like a pack of wankers". This is outrageous Alex07! 'Masturbators' is not a pejorative term and it's use on this web site is totally unacceptable!
You ask MelancholyWeightlifter: "You really need to question your motives". How dare you!
You assert that celibate men "can become consumed right through with hatred and bitterness". Yes, that is possible, but you fail to mention that hatred and bitterness are emoted by many others and that their sexual relationships are often the cause of it!
Just because you cannot understand a different point of view or see it as a weakness, Alex07, is no reason to poke fun at those that hold that view. In the discriminatory and name-calling sense, those of us that choose celibacy are NOT "a pack of wankers!"
"The lady doth protest too much, methinks"? Your disproportionate anger is, I think, a clear sign that youre not fully comfortable with celibacy and are not choosing it from a place of freedom and joy.
But let's play nice. In my post, I fully accept that a celibate life can be a good, valid choice. But it can also be taken up for the wrong reasons, which can become a source of scandal (note the child abuse cases in the churches) or at least a whole lot of pain and sadness. It's certainly not a resolution to rush to on a whim - just like 15y/os shouldnt be having sex and getting pregnant etc
Sorry if my offbeat attempt at humour offended...
It is not disproportionate anger when someone says something nasty and when challenged says, 'oh, I was only joking'. From your previous comments about your same-sex attraction, it is evident that the hatred and bitterness of which you speak are yours!
Alex07 - "27yo virgin. Mostly because of SSA and religious views. I've had a few girlfriends who I could have easily been with, but without any sexual attraction, it's like a magnetic force-field lol. And getting with another guy is so disgusting to me and would have to involve me admitting my feelings openly anyway, so it's impossible - it just thrives and multiples like a hydra in a fantasy world.
It's been really distorting to me because we most easily love through our sexuality, but i've had to devote a huge amount of energy to killing that part of me, leaving me pretty burnt out and depressed. I hoped to redirect myself to a celibate life devoted to a pure love of God, and came close, but ssa seems to undermine this, leaving me cut off from others, fearful of their suspicions, judgemental of the sexual happiness they have. Kinda like gollum." http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthread.php?4412-Over-20-virgins&p=33475#post33475
That's true, and thanks for posting Vertigo. I've seen a good side of celibacy and a bad side, so i'm speaking from some experience when I say that it pays to not rush in without weighing it up seriously.
Who you are, your identity is not defined by your sexuality. It's not defined by temptations, sexual feelings or attractions. The difference between what you feel and what your identity is are two totally different things. As a Catholic myself, I cannot understand why people are obsessed with sex nowadays... Sex is an act of love to pro-create between two beings... Not pleasure...
I just felt like I needed to clear that up by sharing my Church's teaching on the subject. I am here to support you, if you need any help, please private message me
To me nofap means celibacy.
I want my wife to be the firts women with whom i sleep with. I 'm waiting till marriage
Yeah. I notice a lot of people on this forum post messages during times of duress. Consequently, people need to take a majority of the stuff on the website with a grain of salt. We are ALL guinea pigs in Gary Wilson's grand neurological study of human sexuality and its relation to high-speed porn. If you want to be celibate, be celibate. If you don't, don't. Simple as that.
I want to follow strict celibacy and read lot of materials regarding this. If you have not read, please read answers from Dhananjaya in en.allexperts.com in celibacy section. I was celibate for last 3 months but had a break last week.
Very interesting discussion everyone. As always I want to thank you for taking the time to reply. You taking the time means alot.
To FW: I applaud you for being selfless in this way. I wish you all the best. I think doing NoFap for others is wonderful and honorable.
To Alex07: I would answer yes to all your questions. It scares me half to death. I'm 19, I think it's reasonable to be scared. I have no idea what to think anymore about sexuality. Good, bad, neutral, I don't know... All I know in MY OWN experience, sexuality has been bad. It has caused me alot of pain. You may call me narrow minded, but I think it's a reality of the human condition that we have perception limited to our experiences. I AM NOT bitter or mad. I think I'm finally coming to terms with myself. I feel...at peace. Unfortunately Alex...death has not been such an unwelcome prospect for me. The impact of your last statement is not lost on me...at times I feel hypocritical. I hate to play this card, but look at my counter, before my first attempt here I was down to once a week of M, zero P for two years. Success is possible without becoming a frustrated child molester. I AM going to prove this.
To Anon: That makes sense. I admit CheshireCat did sound unreasonable. I have never attacked women as a whole. My reasons for celibacy are ALL my own failings and shortcomings. I am unworthy of love at this point in my life. Your efforts to help people are admirable. I thank you for doing and I now think I understand you much better.
Thank you for the dash of simplicity and reason, death mettle, LOL.
Please remember to join the group! http://www.nofap.org/forum/group.php?groupid=44
When are you going to drop this Anon Hymous? When we all think like you do? When we convince ourselves of the false belief that happiness can be found in sexual relationships? It just seems like you are on some personal crusade to prevent us from the goal of celibacy. There is more to life than sex. Why can't you just leave us alone!