celibate's journal

For Fapstronauts who are disciples of Christ

  1. I already have a journal in NoFap's journal section, but this journal here will be a lot cleaner and censored for my fellow Christians.

    My current goal has been to minimize and better control my bad sexual habits. I want to not sexually communicate with others until marriage. That means no more online sexting. I want to stop online flirting: I should flirt offline instead because I tend to sext when flirting online. I also want to stop watching porn (or inappropriate videos.)
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2022
  2. Why do you feel the need to censor yourself for our benefit? What is in your heart that you do not want us to see?

    Part of how PMO holds power over us is by teaching us to compartmentalize our lives, hiding from the world who we really are behind closed doors when the lights are low. By hiding our secret sin and shame, its power remains unchecked and grows within us until we are completely under its thrall. But a disciple desires integrity, i.e., to be the same person in every situation, free of all entangling sin. If filth is what spews out of you, then be honest about that. Do not try hide the truth from us, and thereby from yourself. You cannot hide your heart from God!
    WilliamJ.F. likes this.
  3. 8PM
    Heavy flirting again today, which ended with getting blocked. I could blame a new hobby. The new hobby involved visiting a website where I have sexted. If anything, I should be avoiding that website.

    I was also dedicating a lot of time towards the new hobby and less time towards studying truths like sexually transmitted infections. Any hobby that consumes a lot of my time, but doesn't associate with truths and reality, is not a healthy hobby for me.

    Again, I am not resetting nor getting mad at myself for flirting online. I know I could've done worse like sexting. There is barely any support group for men like me who want to refrain from sexual activity, so I am alone in this mission. I should not be too hard or rough on myself, especially if I don't have as much support as others. In fact, some societies and social groups target Christians and celibates. If anything, I should be thankful and proud that I'm continuing to be celibate and abstaining from sexual activity. In a sexual city, maintaining my virginity is honestly a miracle. Again, this is why I should continue to celebrate my abstinence and porn cessation.

    I should plan on creative ways to celebrate and award my abstinence and porn cessation. Such plans will likely encourage and promote my abstinence from sex.
  4. Day 20+ P-Mode
    My dad and I were talking about the begining of the bible yesterday. He no longer identifies as a Christian. He told me that Eve was "forced" to eat the fruit. I corrected him and said that she was tricked or deceived her into eating the fruit. But my dad insisted that she was forced.

    I know she wasn't forced but rather lied to. The serpent didn't wrap around her neck and threaten to squeeze her to death. The serpent didn't wrap around her body and threaten to bite her with fatal poison. The serpent tricked her and lied to her.

    It seemed my dad wanted Eve to seem like a victim. My dad seems to have double standards for judging men and women. That's probably why he had 3 wives that all left him. One took his kids and another took his 2 houses. His double standards has led to his own losses.

    If I go into a private chat and get in trouble for texting inappropriate things to a woman, should I then turn around and say "I was forced to text inappropriate things to her" as if I were a victim? No. She did not put a gun to my head and force me to text inappropriate messages. I should be honest and say "She replied, 'it was okay'" or that she decieved or baited me. Half of the time, if not all of the time, I send inappropriate text messages to womem after they have communicated to me that they were okay with my communication. I am slowly learning to not have private chats with female strangers. This accountability doesn't change just because of gender. If a woman does something bad, she can't just play the victim. That would be lying. And liars fool themselves more than anyone else.

    Christians know the importance of the truth.
  5. 7:30PM
    Today was heavy flirting again. I say "heavy flirting" instead of "flirting" because I was so close to sexting but instead I (transformed?) that strong sexual thought into a flirty text.

    Again, I am not upset for online flirting. In fact, I should be proud that I was flirting instead of sexting. However, at this rate, I might sext. Usually a day or two before I sext, I engage in online flirting. Online flirting is a sign of upcoming sexting, so I have to gain more control of myself.

    Many things can be causing me to flirt. Summer has a lot of people wearing less clothing. I tend to have sexual thoughts when looking at women who wear less clothing. And there are times when I have to look at women when I'm outside: it's necessary and not for pleasure. I feel bad for police because they may have to look at women too and may struggle with sexual thoughts from it. But then again, police get paid and get free or reduced health services from the city.

    Another cause of my recent flirting may be stress.

    If I have a tendency to flirt, then maybe I should flirt as a hobby since flirting isn't suppose to be sexual, right? But if I'm going to flirt, then it should at least be planned and local. Planned flirting will help me avoid sexting. A local environment will help me better perceive reality and avoid online criminals. When I flirt online, I usually can't see the recipient's face, so there's a lot of fantasizing and less reality.

    Forcing myself to flirt locally might also lower my tendency to flirt. Local flirting is a lot more complex than online flirting. Not only would I have to find a specific woman, but I would have to find her in my local area. I could try a dating website, which might then add a money barrier to my flirting.

    I can flirt with a local woman via webcam or phone, but I must make sure she actually lives locally or nearby. I would have to plan ways to verify that she lives near me.

    I will base my flirting on my religion and I will only flirt with one woman at a time. I may make a plan to handle situations where my flirting is not reciprocated and thus may require finding another local woman, but I really want to base my flirting on Christian marriage (monogamy.)

    I will not flirt with prostitutes, fiances, or married women. Fornication seems very commonplace where I live. I may accept fornicators, but I will only flirt with a fornicator if her sex partner approves of it amd if she periodically reminds her sexual partner of my flirting.

    I must NOT sext her. I will let her know that I will not be able to sext if she is looking for someone to sext. I don't want to sexually communicate with anyone until marriage. I might express that abstinence on my dating profile. If she encourages me to sext, then I will tell her that she would have to marry me. After telling her that, I will then stop flirting with her for 24 hours. If she doesn't start planning a marriage with me within those 24 hours, I will stop flirting with her and find another local woman to flirt with. I do NOT want to flirt with women who might continually encourage sexting while knowing my intent of only flirting.

    Having to do all that planning, searching, and verifying, I will definitely be less likely to flirt as much as I do now. And I doubt any woman would be okay with flirting without sexting or dating. And yes, there are dating websites that accept people who don't date. I think I know one where people are allowed to find friends instead.

    Also, I will very likely be very limited in my ability to find a local woman on a dating website unless I pay money, which I likely won't. All in all, either I will find a safer way to flirt, a way to get married, or a way to reduce my flirting.
  6. Um, what? This entire thing seems like a really bad idea. I am unclear on your goals.
    WilliamJ.F. likes this.
  7. RedeemedIowan

    RedeemedIowan Fapstronaut

    Hi William. I appreciate your blog. Excited to see your story evolve as you grow closer to Christ. Let us know how we can help.
    WilliamJ.F. and Tao Jones like this.
  8. My sister wanted to meet me today. Last minute. She needed someone to water her plants while she goes away on vacation.

    I wanted to send a text message to my sister about my disapproval of her half-naked appearance or lack of lower body covering, but I don't want to be too rough on her. Instead I sent her this text:
    "Also I like what you were wearing when we met. Lol. Next time you should come over to my place and I will just wear a shirt and boxers. XD. But yeah, I understand. It was a last-minute meeting and you were sleeping. Try to get some good sleep tonight."

    I could've texted, "Hey sis. Can you please be more clothed when we meet next time?" But I can't control what she wears. Instead, I tried to let her understand the boundaries of appropriate clothing by having her think of my wearing only a shirt and boxers in her face. I could probably also tease her for wearing inappropriate or half-naked clothing. The teasing would either get her to dress more appropriately near me or get her to stop seeing me. Either result is fine, as I wouldn't want to associate with a family member that likes to play the harlot.
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2022
  9. I think I'm just going to see my sister less often during warmer months. During warmer months, people tend to wear less clothes, including my sister. But I don't feel safe around people who wear less clothes. Of course, I would have to interact with such people like for employment and other things, but I should still reduce my amount of exposure to them. For instance, I can reduce my visits to my sister during warmer months and have phone calls instead.

    I think I'm going to send this text to my sis:
    "Hey sis. During warmer months, people wear less clothes. I tend to stay inside more because I feel less safe. Because I stay inside more, we might not be able to meet more than once a month during warmer months, but we can still talk on the phone. And yes, I'm still watering your plants."

    I usually don't like disclosing my weaknesses to people but I trust family.
  10. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    It is interesting that you make mention of Eve's motivation as described in Genesis. Like you, I don't see where it is states that she was forced to commit original sin but it is clear that she was tempted by the devil. This underlines the fact that the devil has tempted mankind from our inception and frankly most of us are very poor at resisting temptation when it is regularly put before us.

    Man has wrestled with this problem for thousands of years and many wise men have thought about it. I contend that there is much we can learn from the authors of the Bible and other saintly philosophers who have given this matter so much thought. I think that when we ignore their advice and try to chart our own, new and unique course, we are arrogantly concluding that we are more intelligent than all of those wise people who have gone before us.

    Here is a link to one old text that addresses the question of how we can resist temptation. In particular please see the words at the beginning of chapter XIX "How to Resist the Lusts of the Flesh", on page 63. " First, you must not war against this vice by confronting it, but, on the contrary, by fleeing with all your might from the thing or person that may have the least likelihood of exciting it."

    I fear you are playing with fire. If celibacy is your ultimate goal (is it?) I worry that any form of flirting, online or otherwise, is an attempt to confront temptation rather than fleeing from it with all of your might.
    WilliamJ.F. likes this.
  11. Already my flirting is reducing. I'm using dating websites to find local woman to flirt with. But apparently I'm banned on multiple dating websites. I was very perverted in my past.

    The remaining websites require me to pay for a subscription for messaging, so I'm stuck with the thought of having to pay money for flirting.

    Flirting is a (compulsive?) habit that I've not been able to adequately control. The idea of paying money for that habit is bad. I'm already not comfortable with putting my time towards the habit, especially since any woman can block me after an hour-long conversation without any explanation or a website can ban me. If I pay for a subscription, then I would be risking a waste of both time and money.

    Also, there may be a very small number of young single heterosexual cisgendered local mothers interested in me. Imagine paying 20$ and getting no replies to my messages for a whole month.

    Dating websites are one of the most appropriate and convenient ways to meet the group of women that I'm interested in.

    I could try a bar, which is a more traditional way. I've never been to a bar, especially because I don't drink. But since I'm so picky with women, I might not find much women there to flirt with, at least not as easily as I would on a dating website. I also have an interest to flirt with single mothers, and I doubt they have time for bars.

    There may be other ways that I can flirt with local woman without paying money though. I honestly may consider those free options because they may be less appropriate but more realistic than dating websites. Dating profiles are somewhat designed to attract mates at the expense of reality: photos may be edited, unfavorable details about a person's character may be omitted, and etc. But if I were to contact, for example, local babysitters, then I may get a more realistic view of women because their profiles woild focus on looking like a good babysitter instead of a good date. Of course, I could get blocked or banned for abusing a babysitting website to flirt with women. And I would have to find a way to truthfully discern if a babysitter is a young single heterosexual cisgendered local mother.

    I've grown a habit to flirt selectively as a subtle way to discourage my flirting. There are many days when I wanted to flirt but could not because of my decreasing romantic interest in women. I know some men who would flirt with any woman that has a pulse, but adapting such behavior would likely lower my control of my flirting and sexting habits.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2022
  12. I agree that flirting has led to sexual communications on many occassions, despite those ocassions decreasing as I educate myself more about sexual sins, modern laws pertaining to sex, sexual cannibalism, sexually transmitted infections, and etc. My celibacy revolves around avoiding sex. I am still a virgin. I think the chance that a local woman would actually have sex with me, after I've flirted with her, is very low; especially because I've learned to become a very picky man. But I agree there's still a greater chance than if I were not flirting at all.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2022
  13. She was in her own home? Recently awakened? Meeting her brother? I can find no fault with anything she did. You can hardly call this "playing the harlot" unless you are implying that she was dressed in this fashion as an attempt to seduce you. I am guessing this is not even remotely the case.

    You are right to say we do not control the thoughts or actions of others. We cannot. Nor should we act in a manipulative way toward them, as this is unloving. If her dress offended you, say that directly. Perhaps you did not want to because the offense this caused says far more about the lust in your heart than it does about anything in hers?
  14. Trust me, I am also hoping my sister isn't playing the harlot either. There's a good chance that my sister is far from that. But I have doubts.

    1) My dad is not a Christian and disrespects Christianity. He has had 3 wives who all divorced him. Some Christians see divorce as shameful and see remarriage after divorce as adultery. This is my sister's father.

    2) I believe my mother has had 3 husbands or had sex with at least 2 different men. She has went through divorce with my dad. My dad told me that he had (wiretapped?) a phone whereupon he witnessed her being unfaithful during their marriage. This is my sister's mother who has had a great influence on her, growing up. My sister and mom are still in contact today as well.

    3) My brother is not a Christian and disrespects Christinity. He said he would evict a tenant for being Christian. This is my sister's brother.

    4) One time I visited her and her husband's home and found a book that had very loosely clothed women. Someone is that home may have been consuming pornography, despite being married.

    5) My sister has not shared that she is Christian, despite knowing that I am Christian. If she is not a Christian, then there may be little reason for her to adhere to sexual morality or the moral standard of not being nude around family members.

    6) Her husband has an online job. From my experience, the internet is a very perverted and sexual place. I would not be surprised if her husband is very sexual and perverting my sister.

    Her requesting to meet me, yet not being adequately dressed, may have just been coincidence. Or maybe she normally dresses like that in the comfort of her home. She didn't have much sleep and I arrived while she was napping, so maybe she just sleeps like that. She told me that she was wearing fake hair, but maybe she had came from a party or was dressing up for her husband who was also home.

    Regardless, I do not want to be around her when she is not dressed adequately. She would feel the same way if she met me and I was wearing only a shirt and boxers.

    There are no double standards here: if I have to dress properly around my sister, then she should dress properly around me.

    I am not going to be around my sister frequently if she refuses to dress adequately. Period. End of story. Maybe we can have a better relationship when she's an old woman showing less skin around her guests and family.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2022
  15. You have thought this through quite thoroughly, I can see. You have very high standards! In your assessments of your family members and other relatives, where do grace and love enter in?

    You'll have to let us know how your sister responds to your message.
    WilliamJ.F. likes this.
  16. Well I sent some text messages to my sis:
    "Hey sis. I usually don't share this with other people but I trust you since you are family. During warmer weather, people tend to wear less clothes. Because of this, I tend to stay indoor more because I feel less safe. For example, yesterday I had to be on multiple buses for hour-long rides with people who were wearing less clothes, yet I endured it because you are my sister and needed me. However, I still felt insecureand I think you could sense that in me, especially through my recent texts and sudden interest in dating websites. Because I plan to stay indoor more, we might not be able to meet as much as before, on warmer months. We can still talk on the phone and communicate in other ways though. And yes, I'm still watering your plants. Lol."

    And another text message to her:
    "Although I'm staying indoor more, you are welcome to visit me as many times as you want, sis. You barely visit her. Lol."

    In reality, I am not necessarily going to stay indoor more as much as I'm just going to stop seeing her more than once a month because I didn't like her lack of clothes in our previous meeting.

    I probably could've been really honest and said, "Hey sis. Please wear some more clothes, the next time you want to meet with me." But some women complain about men controlling what they wear. And my sister is an adult, so she has no reason to actually follow through with my request. I don't even think my mom would take my side in this situation, especially since we aren't talking. My best move was to just keep my distance from her. But since I value family, I still want to have a good relationship with her.

    My sister hasn't responded to my text messages yet. I am not too surprised. Whenever I show a dislike for sexual things, people tend to distance themselves from me.

    I will be honest though. After I left my sister's apartment that day, I had to fight off the urge to flirt with her via text messages. I already don't feel comfortable around women who wear less clothes, but to then have to meet with my sister who's half naked? No. I draw the line there. I'm not dealing with that. I barely ever have thoughts of flirting with my sister too, so her lack of clothes very likely affected me.

    If she shuns me for my distancing, then that's okay. I'm used to being shunned for my Christian beliefs, including those about the immorality of being naked around family. I know things would've been worse if I had went the other direction and actually flirted with her. Heck, her husband would've probably gotten involved. Had I flirted with her, my relationship with my sister would be worse than it is now.

    Even if my sister would've been okay with my flirting with her, I am not okay with that. Her husband would very likely not be okay with that either. It would break his heart. I read a lot about infidelity. And flirting with my sister is also near incest. And I'd be flirting with the thought of her naked in my head, which is a sinful nude image for a brother.

    So I don't care if she never texts me again. I know things would've been a lot worse, if I had flirted with my sister.

    If I regret anything, it would probably be telling her about my insecurity. But I needed her to understand the reason for a text message where I called her "beautiful." I don't necessarily consider that text message as flirty because she has called me "handsome" before. But I did not feel safe calling my sister "beautiful," even if society or family finds it appropriate. I usually don't think of her as beautiful. And I don't want to have to think of my sister like that. She's my sister. I want to have a healthy family relationship with my sister.
  17. CPilot

    CPilot Fapstronaut

    It sounds like to me that God has placed you in a very unique position. Within your family, as the sole practicing Christian, you have the opportunity to draw the rest of the family back to God. I am sure that the actions and words of your family cause you, a man of faith, some stress and consternation but please don't let the devil use these obstacles to obstruct your task.

    I don't suggest that you begin evangelizing to your family, as that will probably drive them away. Rather, I suggest you consider the example of our Precious Lord. He drew people to himself through kindness and humility. Please recall John 13:34,35 "
    I give you a new commandment: 12 love one another. As I have loved you, so you also should love one another. 35 This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (NABCE)

    Perhaps if you concentrate on building up the Peace of Christ inside you so that the joy and confidence of His blessings shines through, your family may grow to want what you have and then you can gradually reveal to them the beauty of Christ Almighty. Be patient, speaking from experience, such a process could take years but there is no short cut. In the mean time, love them without regard or judgement of their sins. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
    Tao Jones and WilliamJ.F. like this.
  18. Day 26 P-Mode
    My sister texted me back. It seems everything is back to normal now. I really like that I was honest with her, without being too rough or judgemental.

    It's true that I do get shunned for my Christian beliefs, but I think the shunning mostly come from online users. There are a lot of websites and subreddits that discourage Christianity. I've been booted from and downvoted on many websites because of my Christian beliefs too. Coincidentally, the internet is one of the most perverted places I've ever went to, regardless of whatever website I visit.

    But in my offline life, the shunning isn't too bad. I still talk with my antiChristian family. And I live in a land where there's freedom of religion, so I can't be easily legally mistreated for my Christian beliefs offline.

    "Hi Jose, Thanks for reaching out. We've reviewed the case and our decision to ban your account stands. Best, Vince" - OKCupid

    I wanted to respond with, "Online dating websites are scams anyways. I've not heard of anyone in my life who has met any locals via those websites. They are the biggest waste of everyone's time." But I didn't respond.

    I guess paying for messaging women on other dating websites might be "the punitive price to pay for my past sexual abuse of dating websites." In my past, years ago when I watched porn, I would sext on dating websites. I got banned from at least 2 of them.

    But if I do plan to buy a subscription for flirting, then I should make a plan to handle finances beforehand. If my flirting is an unmoderated habit, I may find myself paying 30$ - 40$ monthly for it. That's cheaper than an addiction to prostitutes, which I've thankfully never had. I've never been to one. But I still don't like the idea of wasting nearly 480$ a year for a habit that I don't completely like.

    Honestly though, I might not find anyone to flirt with anyway, especially since I'm looking to meet any specific woman in-person before flirting.

    And local flirting might present a lot more reality that may decrease my interest. Online flirting had fewer risks and left a lot to my imagination. I bet local flirting is going to be a lot less fun. I might have to spend time with her in-person, do favors, or buy her things. I am poor. I also wear two different socks sometimes and don't like using perfume or deodorant as much as my dad.

    I will be in Data Saving mode or have an image blocker so that I am not abusing the dating website to masturbate with photos. I usually had an image blocker when flirting online anyways, for a similar reason.

    In my first year, I should purchase a subscription no more than every other month. In my second year, I should purchase no more than a subscription every season. In my third year, . . . every 4 months. I think I will lose interest after the first year, honestly. I will also be able to gauge local women's interest in me too, without paying for a subscription. When women aren't interested in me, I reciprocate the disinterest and my flirting decreases.

    I don't like the idea of paying for a habit that I don't completely like, but I think this local flirting will help me see more reality and thus actually decrease or kill my interest in flirting and sexting.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2022
  19. I was going to pay for a subscription to a dating website, but the subscription's shortest term is 6 months for 18$ monthly. I'm NOT paying over 100$ for a subscription that I will likely stop using within a month. Ha! I could find a dating website that's less serious and more friend-oriented.
  20. My dad caught me masturbating in the bathroom. I was dumb and didn't close the door. This is like the third time that he caught me. He doesn't say anything about it but I'm sure it makes him uneasy because we share a room together. I don't want him to feel insecure about my dirty hands touching stuff around his apartment. It's even more embarassing because I sometimes warn dad about his uncleanliness like eating food that fell on a dirty mat with dead cockroaches. I feel like a hypocrite.

    CPilot, I think you might be right about my flirting locally with women. It might not be a direction that's suited for me right now.

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