Challenging myself with this... again :-)

Dear all,

my name is Steve and this is the first time I sign up for a forum dedicated to dealing with this addiction. However, this is not the first time I've tried quitting. I'm on my 3rd day clean. It's been really hard, because -I know it sounds terrible- I do love porn (in spite of everything). This to me is important to mention, as I feel as if my brain were whispering me over and over again some excuse I might accept in order to relapse, especially when withdrawal symptoms manifest themselves. I started when I was around 14, probably in a similar way as most of us here: discovering it by chance by playing with yourself and finding new sensations that feel good. I believe I really got into it when my friends started talking about it and sharing my first porn magazine with me. Once I improved my skills I started using it to feel better every time my parents were arguing and I felt lonely.

My experience with women has also been terrible so far... and it is now that I'm starting to wonder the degree up to which I should blame my addiction to PMO -- as well as my then very poor social skills. I thought that, since I may live my life having no girlfriend whatsoever, it would be alright to keep at it. However, I did have short relationships with 2 women and started noticing the effects of it: I could not orgasm with my partner. At first, I thought it cool, as I could keep going and going, giving the pleasure to my partner. However, I didn't realize that the fact that I was not able to come was making her feel unattractive. After 3 years solo again, I recently met someone I really love as a person. Even being in her company is so very inspiring... This is the reason I decided to give myself another chance and work on my addiction. Of course, I wonder: should this relationship not come to flourish, would I go back to where I was? The truth is: I don't know. I love living by myself "in my cave" and living in a sort of a fantasy (by reading, writing, drawing, painting, practicing for a magic show, etc.) a little more that I actually like being around people, although, for the first time in a decade, I have a stable circle of friends again. I'm also starting to take note of all the good things that are already happening to me -- in spite of the symptoms of withdrawal. I feel more energetic, for instance, and have started to take more care of my life, including those things I tend to procrastinate doing.

All in all, I understand that changing your life takes effort and if you keep at it and take the pain as is, you'll gradually start noticing important changes as you go.

Thanks for reading me. Cheers!
Steve