Change Feelings, Not Thoughts

Son_of_Iroquois · Sep 22, 2015

Hey guys,

So I was reading about human behavior and what really makes us change as people. Many studies have been done in psychology that demonstrate one thing: people change behavior when their feelings change.

How does this relate to this community? Well, it's simple. How do (or did) you feel after using porn? You probably felt bad, you felt a sense of regret and worthlessness. And you probably then had the thought: "That is the last time I will do that. I will never do it again." Except you did.

What happened there? Why can't we do as we think? One simple reason: feelings are more powerful than thoughts. So if you have an abstract idea about what you "should" do regarding porn use, but then all of a sudden you are under stress in life and feel bad, chances are you will relapse into an escape from that stress and use. Like any drug, the chemicals released in your brain from porn make your feel good, temporarily. Then your bad feelings come back, and repeat the cycle.

Forget about your thoughts and what you "should do". Change your feelings about yourself today. See value in yourself fundamentally as a person right now. Give yourself a break if you are under stress by doing something like listening to music or simply going for a walk. Do not keep beating yourself up about things that happened in the past, because making yourself feel like shit will lead to the same old cycle of escape. And don't heap enormous pressure to be 100% perfect in your pursuit of freedom. That pressure will box you in.

When this sense of inner value and worth is recognized and felt each minute, your need to escape into porn will vanish. Escaping into porn only results from not fully appreciating our own self worth. Recognizing your inner value will liberate you.

nfprogress · Sep 23, 2015

Very good post. I agree many of the negative feelings people feel after porn use are not helping beat the addiction, but are encouraging relapse and other negative actions outside of porn. I would consider an approach that involves changing feelings in all parts of the PMO cycle exactly as you advocate.

I think there are also often structural changes that impact emotions and behavior that are often not properly considered. One simple option is to create a living structure that discourages PMO activity but encourages other more beneficial behaviors. Realistic example for many people include opening windows, doors and drapes when they normally PMO. Some might prefer to save some money and get a roommate. You can even video tape some of your normal life actions if it helps. If you start out with the right tools that make change inevitable, it is much tougher to fail.

rainingrn · Sep 23, 2015

Great post!
I found that trying to focus more on the positive and smiling more really made a huge difference to my mood and behaviour. Things like looking at trees and nice views while you're riding the bus, smiling more often and when you pass a stranger on the street and also stopping negative thoughts when they come into your mind and not dwelling on them made massive differences for me.

Son_of_Iroquois · Sep 23, 2015

nfprogress said: ↑

Very good post. I agree many of the negative feelings people feel after porn use are not helping beat the addiction, but are encouraging relapse and other negative actions outside of porn. I would consider an approach that involves changing feelings in all parts of the PMO cycle exactly as you advocate.

I think there are also often structural changes that impact emotions and behavior that are often not properly considered. One simple option is to create a living structure that discourages PMO activity but encourages other more beneficial behaviors. Realistic example for many people include opening windows, doors and drapes when they normally PMO. Some might prefer to save some money and get a roommate. You can even video tape some of your normal life actions if it helps. If you start out with the right tools that make change inevitable, it is much tougher to fail.
Click to expand...

Thanks for your feedback. Ironically, I have had the best success when I don't feel bad at all for looking at porn. When I tell myself "I must not look at porn today" and put up a wall of resistance, that wall inevitably comes crumbling down. I know enough about my own behavior now to realize that forcing myself to stop only leads to more acting out. I figured out the reason for this. It is because trying to suppress the sexual urge is highly unnatural and goes against my true nature. It is in my nature to want to look at naked women. I have evolved over millions of years of evolutionary pressure to achieve that goal. So what? Why make myself feel bad about it? When I recognize this fact, looking at porn seems silly and trivial and I feel no compulsion to do it.

The sexual urge is really highly developed over evolutionary time. It is a core part of who we are. What works for me instead of repressing it is channeling the sexual energy. Flowing with it. Choose to let it flow into different activities that are beneficial and constructive instead of trying to deny it. You may lift weights at the gym, you may use the energy to get some work done, you may go out to a bar and meet women. There are many more options, (the highest of which is Kundalini meditation, the raising up of the sexual energy from the base of the spine to the so called "third eye"). All of these are very positive ways to channel sexual energy. If at the core you begin to see your sexuality as what it is, something creative and benevolent, there is a lot less conflict and stress.

What happens when we're NOT ok with our sexual energy is that we try to avoid and suppress it. When I try to be 100% perfect, I know in my own life, I have already lost. Personally speaking, I can't win that battle. This is because when I have a negative view of sexuality, viewing it as bad, something to be controlled and suppressed, eventually I will subconsciously give up my responsibility and control of it, and thus surrender my will to an external authority, i.e. porn. The key to changing that is, like I said, being comfortable with who I am and seeing it as a good energy and working with it.

I think your thoughts on changing and maintaining one's personal environment are spot on. A person's physical habitat is hugely influential on how they behave. Is the place clean, in order, and enjoyable to exist in? If the place is a mess then the person may want to escape behind their computer. The external surroundings matter a lot.

Son_of_Iroquois · Sep 23, 2015

rainingrn said: ↑

Great post!
I found that trying to focus more on the positive and smiling more really made a huge difference to my mood and behaviour. Things like looking at trees and nice views while you're riding the bus, smiling more often and when you pass a stranger on the street and also stopping negative thoughts when they come into your mind and not dwelling on them made massive differences for me.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Focusing on the negative trying to "fix it" only intensifies the negative. If focusing on the negative solved anything, we'd all be free by now. What is important is focusing on the positive, creating something new and valuable for yourself each day. It sounds like you take pleasure in the simple things in life: nature and your surroundings. Also, being on the bus is a good way to meditate as it is basically a flow state.

nfprogress · Sep 23, 2015

Son_of_Iroquois said: ↑

Thanks for your feedback. Ironically, I have had the best success when I don't feel bad at all for looking at porn. When I tell myself "I must not look at porn today" and put up a wall of resistance, that wall inevitably comes crumbling down. I know enough about my own behavior now to realize that forcing myself to stop only leads to more acting out. I figured out the reason for this. It is because trying to suppress the sexual urge is highly unnatural and goes against my true nature. It is in my nature to want to look at naked women. I have evolved over millions of years of evolutionary pressure to achieve that goal. So what? Why make myself feel bad about it? When I recognize this fact, looking at porn seems silly and trivial and I feel no compulsion to do it.

The sexual urge is really highly developed over evolutionary time. It is a core part of who we are. What works for me instead of repressing it is channeling the sexual energy. Flowing with it. Choose to let it flow into different activities that are beneficial and constructive instead of trying to deny it. You may lift weights at the gym, you may use the energy to get some work done, you may go out to a bar and meet women. There are many more options, (the highest of which is Kundalini meditation, the raising up of the sexual energy from the base of the spine to the so called "third eye"). All of these are very positive ways to channel sexual energy. If at the core you begin to see your sexuality as what it is, something creative and benevolent, there is a lot less conflict and stress.

What happens when we're NOT ok with our sexual energy is that we try to avoid and suppress it. When I try to be 100% perfect, I know in my own life, I have already lost. Personally speaking, I can't win that battle. This is because when I have a negative view of sexuality, viewing it as bad, something to be controlled and suppressed, eventually I will subconsciously give up my responsibility and control of it, and thus surrender my will to an external authority, i.e. porn. The key to changing that is, like I said, being comfortable with who I am and seeing it as a good energy and working with it.

I think your thoughts on changing and maintaining one's personal environment are spot on. A person's physical habitat is hugely influential on how they behave. Is the place clean, in order, and enjoyable to exist in? If the place is a mess then the person may want to escape behind their computer. The external surroundings matter a lot.
Click to expand...

Once again, I believe your analysis is very insightful. You are at least several steps ahead of me in your understanding and I appreciate the input. This post helped me understand that the jittery/uncomfortable/nervous energy I have had over the last week or three is almost certainly the same energy available for channeling to better activities. I think many people have not reflected on this point long enough. Instead, they(I) think of activities to 'temporarily' distract from urges until they happen to pass. At some point the urges overwhelm and it is all over. That is too much like fighting and doesn't sound terribly fun. Instead, the urge 'is' the energy and you have a wide variety of choices on how to expend it. This requires transforming your understanding of what you are feeling. Men can easily lack awareness of what they are feeling. I am no exception. From that point, many people (again mainly referring to myself) will only look to sexual means as the obvious answer. The thought of channeling it outside of sexual relations might have never occurred. In the past, the nervous energy always led me to MO(usually with P) directly and then I could focus on other life activities. Recognition of this energy source is an acceptable starting point for learning to channel it. The nervous energy that I have tried to shun for so many years 'is' the power everyone speaks of. I just didn't see it in that light. Instead I might have even viewed it as a weakness and a point of vulnerability. Viewing this energy negatively is not much (if any) better than viewing the porn negatively. Understand its true form and it changes from a negative emotion to a positive power.

Deeply understanding the concept of this energy can directly change how you feel and, as shown many times over, will change your behavior. This doesn't happen for some of us until we actually analyze the feeling. I think when most people see 'nofap', the first thing they see on the website is a mention of superpower and they figure it is an exaggeration meant to lure visitors. For me, the superpower is the simply the urge that I didn't know how to harness. Perceive your addiction differently and you can directly transform it to a strength. Uncovering the essence of what you are dealing with allows you to transform your habits.

I believe I can say with a straight face that I have never felt bad after a PMO session, despite 20 years + of doing it. It was quite shocking to me when I found out how many men really do experience negative emotion afterwards. There may be even more general reasons why putting up a wall of negativity leads to rebound PMO. A good chunk of the causal nexus seems to stem from deprivation. Tell someone they can't have something and they want it even more. Try not to think about a song and it is stuck in your head. Deprive yourself of food and you may binge. The list goes on indefinitely. When we consider libido and appetite, we might as well consider satiety as well. There are too many factors to make a direct link, but men who are sated are less likely to want to eat more food (consume more porn). Satiety can come in many different forms as can happiness. That is one difference between [distracting yourself/fighting constant urges] and channeling energy. If you are constantly fighting and fending off demons, it I'd venture to say you may be trying to beat addiction in all the wrong ways.

Son_of_Iroquois · Sep 25, 2015

nfprogress said: ↑

Once again, I believe your analysis is very insightful. You are at least several steps ahead of me in your understanding and I appreciate the input. This post helped me understand that the jittery/uncomfortable/nervous energy I have had over the last week or three is almost certainly the same energy available for channeling to better activities. I think many people have not reflected on this point long enough. Instead, they(I) think of activities to 'temporarily' distract from urges until they happen to pass. At some point the urges overwhelm and it is all over. That is too much like fighting and doesn't sound terribly fun. Instead, the urge 'is' the energy and you have a wide variety of choices on how to expend it. This requires transforming your understanding of what you are feeling. Men can easily lack awareness of what they are feeling. I am no exception. From that point, many people (again mainly referring to myself) will only look to sexual means as the obvious answer. The thought of channeling it outside of sexual relations might have never occurred. In the past, the nervous energy always led me to MO(usually with P) directly and then I could focus on other life activities. Recognition of this energy source is an acceptable starting point for learning to channel it. The nervous energy that I have tried to shun for so many years 'is' the power everyone speaks of. I just didn't see it in that light. Instead I might have even viewed it as a weakness and a point of vulnerability. Viewing this energy negatively is not much (if any) better than viewing the porn negatively. Understand its true form and it changes from a negative emotion to a positive power.
Click to expand...

Exactly right. The universe is made up of vast amounts of energy. Sexual energy is simply one level of this manifested creative power and can either be expended at that level or directed to other levels of creativity. M to P is the lowest outlet of that energy and robs us of all future potential action that could arise from it.

The sexual energy is incredibly valuable. It is the spark or the "life force", the creative essence of the universe. It is also known as "Kundalini energy", and for millennia this has been the utmost secret:

"Kundalini[1] has always been the biggest and best-kept secret of all times. Knowledge of it was a privilege conceded only to a few Initiates in the great occult and the esoteric mysteries. According to them, only through constant purification and self-perfection are the seven vital energy centers/vortexes, or chakras, which govern all aspects of mind, body and soul, are prepared for the awakening of Kundalini.

In actuality, the Kundalini energy is a colossal potential vortex located on the first Chakra, called Muladhara, which means “root support” and is situated at the base of the spine or more exactly, between the genitals and the anus.

Kundalini's extraordinary energy can both raise a Human Being to the higher planes or imprison him in the lower worlds. As the Kundalini rises through the Chakras, the pineal gland awakens from its ancient slumber and the Seeker will recover their Sidhi, which are the extrasensory powers."

-Egyptian headdress with the cobra, poised and ready to strike. Some egyptologists say this was a representation of the risen Kundalini energy.

In the universe there are two basic manifestations of this energy: the divine masculine and the divine feminine. The divine masculine power, as manifested in men through our sexual being, is about material creation, material power, material existence and material worth. The term "Material" is used in the sense of being "of the world and taking material action in the world that affects change and creates material results", not simply possessing worldly goods. In other words, our masculine power is nothing unless actualized in time and space.

Our highest attainment is to let this masculine energy rise up through the chakras to combine with the divine feminine power which resides above the crown chakra. We then exist at the highest level of consciousness and action. The divine feminine power, as it manifests in women, is more passive, indirect, intuitive, and other worldly.

This is why P is ultimately so deadly: it prevents this process (the manifestation and arising of kundalini) from occurring and imprisons us in a state of material inaction, paralysis, and darkness.

-Before the Star of David was associated with Judaism, it was an occult symbol used in Kabalah representing the unity of the sacred masculine and the sacred feminine powers. The lower triangle represents the masculine energy rising to meet the downward triangle, the feminine energy. They unify as one to form a scared bond.

Further about the crown chakra:

"The energy of this chakra allows us to experience mystical oneness with everyone and everything in nature. There is no intellectual knowing at the level of seventh chakra, but there is serenity, joy, and deep peace about life. You have a sense of knowing that there is a deeper meaning of life and that there is an order that underlies all of existence.

The "way of the crown chakra" is the way of going beyond the limits of your own ego. It is the way of transcending the ego and knowing that all of creation is interconnected at a fundamental level. A level that some call the "Akasha" or "Zero Point Field", or just "the Field". This is the fundamental level of connection.

According to Tantric philosophy, the seventh chakra is both a receiver and giver of energy and consciousness. It receives energy to sustain life and it gives back the personal energy to unite with the collective pool of consciousness. It is the meeting point between finite (the body and the ego) and infinite (the universe and soul). It is the place where time and timelessness intersect and where death and eternal life meet."

-Illustrations of the raising up of the Kundalini energy. The divine masculine energy is risen up through the chakras to meet with the divine feminine at the crown chakra, during which time a state of unfolded enlightenment is attained.

Deeply understanding the concept of this energy can directly change how you feel and, as shown many times over, will change your behavior. This doesn't happen for some of us until we actually analyze the feeling. I think when most people see 'nofap', the first thing they see on the website is a mention of superpower and they figure it is an exaggeration meant to lure visitors. For me, the superpower is the simply the urge that I didn't know how to harness. Perceive your addiction differently and you can directly transform it to a strength. Uncovering the essence of what you are dealing with allows you to transform your habits.
Click to expand...

Exactly, the superpower is real. Knowing how to let it manifest in reality is the key. We live in a world that mocks religion and the pursuit of higher consciousness. Our world is all about pleasure and permissiveness; there is value in nothing in our materialistic world unless it brings a more pleasurable escape. But the truth has always resided within, in valuing our sacred energies and working with them to transmute them to higher consciousness. Consider the work of the author Gopi Krishna for more on Kundalini Energy and revolutionary consciousness.

-An illustration of the "chakras", energy vortices within.

I believe I can say with a straight face that I have never felt bad after a PMO session, despite 20 years + of doing it. It was quite shocking to me when I found out how many men really do experience negative emotion afterwards. There may be even more general reasons why putting up a wall of negativity leads to rebound PMO. A good chunk of the causal nexus seems to stem from deprivation. Tell someone they can't have something and they want it even more. Try not to think about a song and it is stuck in your head. Deprive yourself of food and you may binge. The list goes on indefinitely. When we consider libido and appetite, we might as well consider satiety as well. There are too many factors to make a direct link, but men who are sated are less likely to want to eat more food (consume more porn). Satiety can come in many different forms as can happiness. That is one difference between [distracting yourself/fighting constant urges] and channeling energy. If you are constantly fighting and fending off demons, it I'd venture to say you may be trying to beat addiction in all the wrong ways.
Click to expand...

We are highly conditioned to become. Become more and more, consume more and more. Few talk about being. Our whole economic and social paradigm is about acquiring more and more with no end. The result it that we consume ourselves. Becoming never is. It is always in the future somewhere. Consider the work of psychologist Eric Fromm or thinker J Krishnamurti. They write a lot about "being" rather than "becoming".

Further reading:

Freedom From the Known, J Krishnamurti
The Awakening of Kundalini, Gopi Krishna
The Art of Being, Eric Fromm
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini
http://www.chakra-anatomy.com/index.html

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Change Feelings, Not Thoughts

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