Changing sexuality - being repulsed by porn

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by ZenAF, Apr 7, 2019.

  1. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    Hi guys
    I'm experiencing changes in my sexuality that I've never experienced before. And no, I'm not talking about changing from hetero to homo, I'm talking about porn leaving my life. Porn used to make up most of my sexuality, because being oriented towards porn is not the same as being oriented towards real pussy.
    I'm afraid I won't be able to accurately describe what I mean by this, because most of it is a weird cluster-fuck of feelings I'm going through these days.

    Basically I can feel that I no longer want to be aroused by imagery period. I started to have a real aversion towards anything digital that is designed to arouse, whether it's audio or visual. It's a mixture of feeling sick when I'm confronted with it, pointlessness, sadness and a very strong been-there-done-that sensation.

    However it's not an easy process to leave this stuff behind. A part of me is afraid of letting go and violently tries to confront me with videos and hypno-audios, anything to make me really aroused again so I would at least consider to relapse. Trying to get back to the old me, back when it was so simple, turn on some porn, PMO, have a nice evening. But none of it works, I won't get aroused anymore because I can see too clearly now what porn is. I'm tired of playing along with the illusion.

    This is the result of 93 days of not jerking off to porn but still allowing myself to look at it. That part of me that still makes me look at it is basically what is left of my addiction. It knows it's dying and it tries anything to stop it. It tried so many times in these past month to convince me only to find every time, whether I was happy or down, sober or high, that I really DID change my mind about porn and really wasn't going to PMO again. And so I would look at the porn for a few minutes and just feel repulsion. Which is so fucking weird, because for 14 years I used to feel nothing but excitement.

    And so one could think that this is great, finally being through with this stuff. But it doesn't feel nice. It feels weird, I had phases where I was scared that I'm going to flatline when I have sex with my girlfriend, simply because there's such a big change in my brain of what I'm supposed to get aroused to as this new version of me. I know this is all just part of the process... but man I hope this phase doesn't take too long, because it feels like mental vomiting.
     
    Kalyan hassan likes this.
  2. bigboibez

    bigboibez Fapstronaut

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    I get what you mean bro.

    I dont even enjoy porn either.

    It is either the shame or fear that keeps people from truly getting rid of this addiction. It is extremely hard to convince yourself of somethings that are suggested. I am at the stage now where i am not even horny but i am legit terrified of porn. This is a bad mindset. But i have made a solemn vow to never look at porn again, and am prepared to go through whatever. Everytime i get an urge now i simply remember it is an addiction leaving the body and strengthen my resolve.

    Keep going
     
    ZenAF likes this.
  3. Kalyan hassan

    Kalyan hassan New Fapstronaut

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    Your words benefit and I felt it really come from your hearts, thank you, really thank you.
     
  4. Westsidejimmy

    Westsidejimmy Fapstronaut

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    Yep,

    Same here. Except for the necessities I have left the digital world behind. Other than a few sweet Netflix and Prime shows.
    It's a huge problem I'm having at work right now. My boss loves to come in and mentally masturbate behind a computer all day. I have come to realize he is making up irrelevant things to do that don't contribute to the bottom line at all. I just got an offer contingent on a financing round at another place with talky chill people I used to work with. If it comes thru I'm gone. There is something disturbing about watching someone else engage in the behavior when they don't know they have a problem.
     
  5. ZenAF

    ZenAF Fapstronaut

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    What are you saying, your boss is watching porn at work? cO
     
  6. Westsidejimmy

    Westsidejimmy Fapstronaut

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    No, but he might as well be. If he's not escalating a client project needlessly he is reading politics. Porn for the masses as far as I'm concerned.
     

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