Chasing or not chasing her

absoluteminded

absoluteminded

Fapstronaut
I want to start this diary to share with you my journey of getting to know this girl over the years and eventually falling in love with her, even though I did not want to.

The year was 2013, we met in high school when she was just 17. She was the best friend and a classmate of my high school crush. At that time, I was not paying any attention to her; I actually did not find her very attractive; she was very skinny and kind of mean-looking. Also, she was already with somebody, as I knew straight from seeing her profile on Facebook. But this friend of hers was single, as I knew from Facebook.

It took me two years to find the right situation to talk to her. Eventually, I got her number and went on a few dates with her. She mentioned on a several occasions her friend, Elizabeth was her name. I had no interest in her, as I directed all my feelings towards this girl I was with, and I thought she was the one. But we eventually broke up, and I felt devastated. So devastated that I haven't fallen in love with anybody for the next two years. In the remaining two years of high school, I met another girl from her class, and we were actually close to dating, but we stayed as friends. This allowed me to find out more about Elizabeth and her classmates, even though it was not my intention.

Fast forward a few years; it must have been 2017 or 18. I ended up working for my friend, who just opened his second coffee house in town. The first café he opened was where Elizabeth was working, to my surprise. So every time I went there, we said hi, but that was it. She was with another guy, so why would I be interested?

I finished working in the other coffee house in 2022 and moved to the first coffee house, it was closer to my home. She was still there after all those years. That way, I started to get to know her on a regular basis. We haven't talked much; only occasionally there was a topic we picked up and discussed. It seemed like I had not much in common with her, and mostly we talked about work as normal colleagues would. I did not feel anything towards her; I actually felt immune against falling in love with her. I had my reasons for not letting my feelings go for her. She is living with this guy at the moment. He is a little bit dumb, but they are getting along. He from time to time visits the cafe, and Betty seems like she is not very impressed by his presence, but she rarely seems impressed anyway. There were no hugs or kisses between them; I had never seen one.

The owner of the coffee house is a good friend, and we do meet outside of work sometimes. Out of the vast variety of topics we discuss, we do talk about women sometimes. He is a married man, and being 7 years older than me, he is wiser than me. He asks me from time to time if I have found a girlfriend. My answer is usually no. Even though there were some girls I dated, I decided to let them go. One day we talked, and as usual, he would bring up the topic of girls, and after my answer to his question, he asked me about Elizabeth. That surprised me. I told him she is great, but we would probably not get along very well, and after all, she is with this other guy. To that, he answered that she keeps on complaining about him and that he is very much useless in many things. I went home thinking about this. In fact, I kept thinking about it for a whole week. And something unplanned happened: I fell in love with her. That was 4 months ago. Since then, I have gone from loving her to completely adoring her.

Elizabeth is another level of a girl. If you saw her, you would know what I mean. I keep hearing about my good-looking colleague from friends. Not only is her prettiness a quality to mention, but she is also hard-working and responsible. She likes to travel, does sports, and loves the outdoors. She is fit; you could see that just by looking at her. With time, I realised we do have lots in common—maybe too much. Sometimes we are thinking about the same thing. I look at her, and it seems like I was looking at myself, with the same posture and facial expressions. Maybe we are copying each other? She sometimes uses my words, which I have never heard her uttering before. The biggest compliment she gave me (she rarely gives compliments) was that I would get along well with her father. Maybe I am reminding her of her father, which is a good thing. Women tend to look for men who have similarities with their fathers, as they were the only men they knew when growing up. The only bad traits I would mention is that she is quite demanding, but that is normal for a woman of her qualities. Other than that, she rarely compliments, as I mentioned before, and is often moody, but which girl is not?

I am close to asking her out. I will keep on posting my experiences with her.

I must mention that falling in love and getting her attention had happened and dramatically improved during my longest streak of 125 days. I felt very much confident and in control of myself during this time. She most likely noticed my personal improvements from abstaining from this weakness of many men. Women can see the strength, not only physical but mental as well, and it is very important to them. You do not want to be with weak and insecure man, do you?
 
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Over the period of the last months gave her few hints that might tell her I like her, just few compliments nothing more. Never told her and probably will never do, I try to make my actions speak for themselves. Recently I accompanied her from work. I am not doing it every time I have a chance, last time I did not. Even though she made sure we finished at the same time so we could leave together. Instead we stayed outside of the coffee house and had a small talk and then I said goodbye. I knew she was expecting me to go with her, but I did not. Why would I do that?

If you do everything she expects you to do she will have you figured out before you two even get close. She will loose attraction and you will become predictable = boring. This way I made sure she will start questioning wether I like her or not. And she will do her part to make sure she does an impression on me. I do not have to impress her by doing what she expects me to do, I do impress her by simply working with her and doing my best. She knows I am a man of rarity and therefore of value. She knows that I can easily get some other girl if I wanted. In fact there are many girl-customers who like me, she knows that. She is able to spot that in a similar way I am able to spot their interest. Women are easy to read, even though sometimes they test us and act different. But that is a play you have to be able to spot and not make a deal about. That is a woman's mechanism to see if a man is a good choice or insecure piece of trash. We men must keep calm and keep a cloud of mystery upon us.

The last text messages we exchanged was her initiation. I write her only when I really need something, generally its only work related. When I am going to ask her out it is going to be in person. No need to write or call, I want to see her reaction. I have been carefully planning this and spend lot of time thinking about the correct order of actions. Early this month may be the best time, because later I will be leaving for few weeks and we will not see each other for quite some time. That will give her opportunity to retrospectively think about our date, potentially missing out spending time with me and looking forward to spending more time in the future. All that would be increasing her interest in me.
 
So the day to ask her out has arrived, we were working together and were supposed to finish together. This was the last opportunity to ask her out because it was the last day of the month we had a chance to go home together. During the day when speaking to her we kept our eye contact for a prolonged time, more than usual. I could see her eyes were on the fire. Not sure I was making it up but that made me give it a try even though I had some doubts if today was the day to do it (naturally there are always doubts, easiest way out is the one with no obstacles, but that does not mean it is the right way).

She actually asked me to lock the door and finished a minute earlier than me. Something was not right, I did not feel like she wanted me to go with her today. She said goodbye and left. It seemed to me like she did exactly the same thing I did last time when I said goodbye to her and left without walking her home. Or maybe she lost all hopes that I would go with her? I took my stuff, locked the cafe and walked out. As I watched her distancing me I heard a voice in my head asking: "Are you really going to let her go?" For a moment I felt like screw this and thought about going straight home. I asked the big question wether should I be chasing her or not. It seemed like if I went for her I would end up being the chaser and not her. I began to walk in her direction and decided to make my mind on the way. "Do unexpected and be unpredictable", said the voice in my head. "Do things she does not expect you doing", and that was exactly it. She most likely did not think about me catching up to her, so I did.

She seemed pleasantly surprised when she realised I was next to her. She laughed softly, the way she does when I say something complimentary. We talked for a bit and then I went straight to the point...

My voice pitched twice when I tried to sound as natural as I could. It was not a big deal for me to ask her actually, I did not feel nervous at all. Strangely I never felt nervous in her presence ever. But it was not hundred percent clear and she probably noticed my voice change. But it did not matter because she agreed. Actually seemed very interested as we chatted along and gave me few of her beautiful smiles.

It was that easy really, I would hate myself if I would have missed on this opportunity. I was on the edge deciding if I go for it or not. Do it now, tomorrow you might not have the chance.

That night I fell asleep as a happy and proud man. Unfortunately I had a relapse next morning looking at her bikini photo, which I am ashamed of even though it was made with love. Still a waste of sexual energy in my opinion and does not add up on a confidence when being with the person in real life. I try not to be too obsessed with her body and this definitely does not help the matter.
 
jradlr said:
Congratulations man, you did it!
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Thanks, but I have been there many times before my friend. I never got refused when asking a girl out, except when she was married or in a serious relationship.

The real battle just started, the battle for attraction. How to convince this girl that I am worthy? We want the same things from life. We both are old enough to take things seriously. She has friends who are married and some are having children already, naturally she wants the same thing. I must show her someway that I can make a good husband and father.

To be continued...
 
I was not even going to mention this because it seemed like things have taken the wrong turn and I needed time to figure out what was going on. Yes, sometimes or often you have no idea what is going on with the woman intentions.

So the day after I walked her home and she agreed on meeting I texted her. Not the first thing in the morning but later in the evening. My text was basically just a link to this route I have planned for us. We both enjoy cycling, so I wanted to do something we can enjoy together. I basically asked her if she will be okay with such distance and elevation gain. She read my message soon afterwards but gave no reply. I knew that texting her back and asking what is going on would be a mistake so I waited.

No reply even on the next day.

On the next day we worked together so I was like she might want to express her opinion in person. I was fine with that I actually prefer face-to-face conversation. But she did not mention anything related to that. I did my best not to bring the subject of our wannabe date during our shift. I wanted to know what was going on but I knew that if I asked I would be perceived as impatient. I got few hints that would suggest that she might be playing the hard to get game. Fair enough, girl of her qualities is no easy catch. But anyway I got mixed signals and was confused to a point where I started to doubt if she even wants to go out with me. She left the workplace few hours earlier than me so no walk home this time.

The day after (today) was the worst. Anytime my hands and mind were not occupied with something else my thoughts would drift back to her. I was actually suffering inside. My feelings were hurt and I was getting ready to let her pass. I was doubting myself and thought that I only made up all this and there was no attraction from her side ever. I Thought about quitting the job and disappearing from her life completely. My mind was slightly overreacting, but you can see what this does to you, it makes you even more attached to her by thinking about her. I put myself together by working out when all of a sudden I got a text from her. It said: "We will arrange it someday :)" You cannot imagine how much relief I felt. Not sure if this was a test or she was unsure about it and now is just being nice. Time will tell...
 
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absoluteminded said:
Well thank you Brother, will be keeping you in my prayers as well. Things are not showing a clear direction but I am staying patient and observant.
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Well what I have learned mate...if she isn't actively making time and effort to be around you, it might not be a good sign. If the lady is leaving you hanging, never initiating or you have to "convince" her, shes probably not super into it. Not to say she never can be or will be, but its not a good sign.

And even then it might not look good. I had a girl ask me out to an art museum once. We talked and hung out a lot. Late night hang outs, going to dinner, she would drive almost an hour to come see me and vice versa. Hung out a few times alone, in her apartment.

When I tried to ask her if she was interested in something more or taking it to the next level. She said no and never talked to me again

Just keep things chill
 
I think she would like to go but she cannot at the moment. I found out from my other colleague that she is sharing her position with her boyfriend, so if she would go out he would know. Perks of living in the 21st century I guess.

The two recently got into a big argument because he was not at home overnight and she could see where he was, because of this location sharing thing. He gave no reply to her when she was asking for a apologise. I hear all this from my colleague, not herself, she only told me that she is so pissed off at him that she is going to have a bottle of wine with her sister. Maybe I am making some stuff up but I am not thinking her relationship with him is going to last. The evening when she went out with her sister she dressed in a beautiful dress as if she was going for a date and she came twice to see us to our workplace. Once on her own and the second time with her mum, I only met her mum twice prior to that. Right at the entrance our eyes met and she completely shivered, as she would not expect me to be there. With her mum following her she came closer and I greeted her mum with a smile and direct eye contact. She repeated my smile and I could see in her eyes that she is somewhat fond of me.

I dug up uncle Zander videos for some advice. He is the guy who got me into semen retention in 2021, but not making videos about it anymore. So I will keep on waiting and not rushing anything. I am not going to see her at least a month, this might actually be helpful because time apart increases attraction. I am going for a long planned trip across Highlands of Iceland on my bicycle. This experience will give me time to think and likely will make me stronger mentally. I will be on my own in a middle of nowhere, potentially experiencing some terrific weather conditions. I am going to gather stories and take photos to share with Elisabeth, she might see me in a different light. Wish me luck.

I had chosen not chasing her, acting as if I completely forgot about the date, and I can actually see some improvements. She might be wondering, why I am not asking her out. This might give her a feeling that she is loosing my interest and, if she wants to, she has to do something about it.
 
absoluteminded said:
I think she would like to go but she cannot at the moment. I found out from my other colleague that she is sharing her position with her boyfriend, so if she would go out he would know. Perks of living in the 21st century I guess.

The two recently got into a big argument because he was not at home overnight and she could see where he was, because of this location sharing thing. He gave no reply to her when she was asking for a apologise. I hear all this from my colleague, not herself, she only told me that she is so pissed off at him that she is going to have a bottle of wine with her sister. Maybe I am making some stuff up but I am not thinking her relationship with him is going to last. The evening when she went out with her sister she dressed in a beautiful dress as if she was going for a date and she came twice to see us to our workplace. Once on her own and the second time with her mum, I only met her mum twice prior to that. Right at the entrance our eyes met and she completely shivered, as she would not expect me to be there. With her mum following her she came closer and I greeted her mum with a smile and direct eye contact. She repeated my smile and I could see in her eyes that she is somewhat fond of me.

I dug up uncle Zander videos for some advice. He is the guy who got me into semen retention in 2021, but not making videos about it anymore. So I will keep on waiting and not rushing anything. I am not going to see her at least a month, this might actually be helpful because time apart increases attraction. I am going for a long planned trip across Highlands of Iceland on my bicycle. This experience will give me time to think and likely will make me stronger mentally. I will be on my own in a middle of nowhere, potentially experiencing some terrific weather conditions. I am going to gather stories and take photos to share with Elisabeth, she might see me in a different light. Wish me luck.

I had chosen not chasing her, acting as if I completely forgot about the date, and I can actually see some improvements. She might be wondering, why I am not asking her out. This might give her a feeling that she is loosing my interest and, if she wants to, she has to do something about it.
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hey brother,

not sure exactly how old you are, however this entire situation is drawn out and overthought.

I have had many experiences with women, from girlfriends, to FWB, to one night stands and even married at one point in my life.

asking someone out should never be this complicated. The reason why this entire experience has been complicated is because of the biggest red flag “she has a boyfriend”.

despite what her relationship is like with her boyfriend, the entire situation is wrong because it never ends well when she has a boyfriend. There are many things to consider.

1. she will end up in a bad way emotionally because she will she will have to break up with her current boyfriend (you don’t know how she will react when this happens)

2. no matter how bad the relationship is, it speaks volumes about her if she entertains the idea of going out with you while in a relationship. If she wanted to seek other opportunities, she should break it off with him before she even entertains the idea of speaking to other men.

3. if she has done it with her current boyfriend, there will be no surprise if she does it to you and speaks to another guy while dating you if she loses interest.

I am not trying to come off in a bad way, however this entire situation screams problems and issues.
 
Keepitsimple1989 said:
hey brother,

not sure exactly how old you are, however this entire situation is drawn out and overthought.

I have had many experiences with women, from girlfriends, to FWB, to one night stands and even married at one point in my life...
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Hey, I value your input and I understand your point. You are older than me so likely more experienced it seems. Your points make sense and yes because of her situation we did not go out yet and I did not ask her second time yet. Probably will not unless she mentions it.

But, I can see her interest higher than ever before...

Some reasons why I think she likes me:
  • she enjoys being close to me
  • she keeps prolonged eye contact with me
  • she keeps asking me for things to do
  • when we are alone she keeps talking (even though talking to me is sometimes like speaking to a wall, little to no response)
She tries to impress me by:
  • dressing revealing when we work together
  • doing poses that are suggestive
  • speaking about subjects that she know interests me, like cycling
  • appearing randomly with friends when I am on my shift and wearing beautiful dresses
Last time she even called me for the first time just to find out something she could ask for simply via text. I could hear she was little nervous.
Yes, I might be overthinking, I am that kind of person who things a lot about things but my gut feeling is not lying.

She made me thinking about her sexually. She got what she wanted - my attention to her body. But when I am with her I do not react to it, I ignore it. Only when I am alone I fantasy a lot, more than before. So it undermined my streaks, but I am still without P. I realised that I am way more confident around her when my streak is at least 10 days. So it helps to abstain from it. I am emotionless, steady, solid and speak clearly and with a deep voice when I am on my streak.

I will keep you updated, taking it slow but steady.
 
Lots of things have happened since my last update, I am slightly behind here…

I made some improvements in our workspace, improvements that have been welcomed and awaited but deemed infeasible by others. Like this coffee grinder that had a very impractical switch where you had to hold the switch to keep grinding. I told her it’s an easy fix, you just replace the switch with different kind where you do not have to hold it. So I did the replacement without telling anybody. Also made a stand from a metal sheet for cup that you grind the coffee to. So you do not have to hold it in your hand and can do something else instead while your coffee is being ground.

Some colleagues were surprised by it and were wondering who did the fix. She wasn’t, but likely knew already but did not say anything about it to me. But now I have her thinking of me every time she presses the switch on the grinder. That is a win for me.
 
I made a step forward in letting her know I like her. One day before I left for a vacation I told her she is one of a million and that I find her amazing. She was humbled by such compliment. One week later I brought her a present from my trip to Greece and she was all smiles about that.

There were multiple occasions that I found worth mentioning:

She sings. When we are alone and the radio is playing love songs she sings to herself the love parts of the songs. She skips the non-love parts. One day it was Somethin' Stupid and the other I Wanna Be Yours. I do not know what to make of it, is it her way of expressing affection? She does this even while reading her book.

She bumped into me on purpose. I was passing her from behind when she bumped into me, her bottom hit my right leg. She said sorry as it happened, I did too and gently touched her hip with my right hand. There was no comment about it later and it did not escalate into anything else but she seemed like she did not mind me touching her. It was the first time I touched her. In other occasions I was very close but I did not act it out.

She came to me to start a conversation. I went to the cafe to pick up my bicycle I stored there for few days, she was on her shift, and as I was about to go say goodbye to her and leave she came to me and we talked for a bit. While talking she keeps an eye contact with me and I do the same but sometimes I feel like I am forcing it too much. One time I stared into her eyes so deeply she forgot what she was saying and had to take break to think about it.

I think things have moved forward. I keep adoring her but I take it easy, almost as if I had no feelings towards her. I might do more touching, if the occasion is right, but so far I am okay with being a good listener and being there for her whenever she needs something. She rewards me with a smile.
 
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