Chatrooms

Why do we fall, Master Bruce?

 

Not sure what you were looking for as an answer but here is my stupid relapse report:

Is it really even a relapse if you have only gone just a few days? I mean how do you define being "in recovery" or "in reboot"? Serious questions.

Let's break this down. My wife went to bed early last night because she wasn't feeling well. This left me isolated and on my own (not her fault). On top of that, I have been sick and not sleeping in the bed (again, no one's fault). I had the means and the opportunity and I hit the Dopamine hard. I logged onto the computer with every intent of updating NoFap and instead hit the fricking Dopamine well and hit it hard going to disgusting places that are almost at my worst.

The fact that I am going to such horrible parts of the darkest web is prolly indicative of healing somehow...my brain is going after bigger Dopamine surges because it knows that it has to get it when it can.

Funny thing is that I spent HOURS last night PM'ing and I wasn't even hard. I wasn't even into it, but my brain kept going after the Dopamine hit. At any of those points, I could have just walked away from it.....but I didn't. I then I went after the chaser all day with a vengeance and so now I haven't slept in like 30 hours. I had to take a magic pill so I could be hard enough to finish today (another bad habit). This is ridiculous.

Another area of deconstruction....for the previous two days, I defined my "why" in regard to staying sober. My last defined "why" expired about 3 hours before I fell off the wagon again. This means that I have to keep a new and fresh, specific "why" in the forefront at all times.

I also believe guys that this laptop that I use for NoFap (the same one I use for acting out, will likely stay at work from tomorrow forward. I can still update NoFap from there on my breaks, but if this particular laptop is here, I can't be trusted. That means you likely won't see me on the weekends and whatnot and I wanted to explain why that is.

What did I lose today:
A whole day of work
A whole evening of quality family interaction
I didn't get the bills paid
I didn't get to create web content like I wanted
I didn't get to create class content like I wanted
I didn't get to grade papers.
I am physically ill and my back hurts and my penis is chaffed.
From all of that, I got two orgasms that were hardly worth it and I rotted my brain and gave myself a migraine.

Areas of improvement.....don't allow myself to be isolated. Don't even log on to the computer (for positive reasons) if I am not 100% certain I am squared away in my head. Simply leave the computer at work. Pray. Keep in touch with myself....find inner peace.

Comments welcome.

 

So we can learn to get back up again.

-Alfred Pennyworth, quoting Thomas Wayne

 

can u quantify the hours lost. It might be one way to remind us to stay out of it.

 

@ProfessorW, sorry I did not read ur recent post, I was responding to your earlier message. you are doing the right thing by putting down everything that has been lost compared to really no benefit, it is very hard to accept that it is a one way street, no gains from it. It is a must to make our brain, rational or emotional or impulsive to understand this.

 

Isn't there a danger of like blackmail on these if the person on the other side records you and has nefarious intentions?

 

Yep.

 

My problem is dating websites like plentyoffish. I create an account, add a pic, and hide the account so no one sees it unless I write them. Then I search for women who sound lonely. I never contact someone extremely attractive I always contact someone who seems needy. Older women & overweight women are always the best candidates. Chat starts innocently but often I find one I can nudge into sexual chat. I never initiate it but let them. Unfortunately, this process can take hours. What's worse is after I've got someone who engages in sex chat with me, I get bored and need to find a new person. Eventually, I'll come back to the first person but I'm always on a quest for new people. I hate myself afterward.

 

That's wrong man.

 

That's why he called it "his problem" and why he hates himself afterward. This was not constructive.

 

Believe me I know it's wrong. I'd gotten much better with it but my schedule changed at work. Nothing I could control. Now I have too much free time during the day & am miserable at work in the evening.

Honestly, I'm glad he said it's wrong. That's kind of a slap to the face. Sometimes you get so caught up in this mess you don't see how wretched the behavior is.

 

Actually it's called being a dog. Preying on innocent women who think you have genuine interest in them by duping them into sex chat is wrong.

 

I used to spend countless dollars on porn when I was in my 20's. Money I didn't have to spend. I've gone to work on two hours sleep because I was up all night look at the stuff. I've corresponded with porn Stars just for the thrill. I've don't a lot that I'm not proud of. I thought that was the point of visiting this forum. None of those activities is something I or anyone should be proud of.

I work a lot and usually work difficult hours so the chatting I do is usually the only contact with a woman I have. No excuse at all but that doesn't ease my addiction. For the record I'm extremely polite to every person I've chatted with. I usually only talk to women out of state so they understand the likelihood of our meeting is slim. I delete my account & then get depressed over something & start it over. I've done that numerous times. There's no positive spin I can put on it but I'm as much a dog for supporting the porn industry for years. Yesterday was the first time I'd come here in awhile & it was the first night I didn't feel the need to chat. A small step but a positive one for me.

 

Forget it.

 

I appreciate the blunt response. It's easy to feel bad for yourself and make excuses. It was years before I ever thought porn was wrong. I just accepted it as part of life. It didn't seem odd that I'd walk an hour in the rain to return s tape to the video store. My thinking was warped. Hell I remember carrying a video catalog in my books at college. I'd just got it in the mail & couldn't put it down.

 

As I mentioned on the other similar thread, I think roleplaying on a chat-like site has become a bit of a unhealthy pursuit for me. They can be a big problem these chat sites I think, you can spend so much time on them, it has the potential to get out of hand. I need a break to focus on my actual life.