Chickened Out

Run_Like_Joseph_Did

Run_Like_Joseph_Did

Fapstronaut
Today I had planned to ask out a beautiful girl that I know at church. I wanted to keep it casual; simply ask if she may have wanted to meet after church for lunch or something. I had no trouble speaking to her normally, but I could not bring myself to ask the question. I was far too horrified of presenting myself, only 7 days clean, as a possible partner for this girl. The shame that is felt is tremendous, and I could use some advise from both guys and girls as to how I could possibly move past this shame that I have.
 
I know the feeling as I'm in a similar spot. There's a girl at a young adults church group I go to that I'd like to ask out, but even at 49 days my P/M habits still feel too recent to be deserving of her. However, I think I'll feel this way even at day 100, 1000 or beyond. I think to get past it we need to forgive ourselves first and make sure we do everything we can to never go back. We may slip up here and there but, if we want to feel better about ourselves, we must never give up.
Have you opened up to anyone about your past habits? It's not easy, but it's very freeing and when they sympathise/ support you in this journey I think it helps a lot with the shame. Shame thrives in secrecy and bringing your past into the light will help set you free.

Ps. I like your account name. It describes perfectly what we need to do!
 
You'll never be ready. There will always be something else that you need to do as a pre-requisite of being ready.

You diminish shame by starting the process of behaving in a way that you're proud of.

Starting by expressing yourself honestly and allowing her the freedom to choose.

Facing your fears, challenging yourself outside of your comfort zone, accepting reality no matter the outcome, and going after what you want are all things that can make you proud of yourself. You can't gain confidence in yourself without having the courage to start the process first.
 
Hey man it happens. I think I know what may have been holding you back:

Run_Like_Joseph_Did said:
I was far too horrified of presenting myself, only 7 days clean, as a possible partner for this girl.
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So what if your only 7 days clean? Are you not allowed to make a move on a girl you want to get to know better and build a relationship with? Don't put a block on yourself. She either likes you or she doesn't straight up. You know what you have to say to her dude! The best time to make plans with her is right now. Good luck!

-TheBigBadWolf
 
Run_Like_Joseph_Did said:
Today I had planned to ask out a beautiful girl that I know at church. I wanted to keep it casual; simply ask if she may have wanted to meet after church for lunch or something. I had no trouble speaking to her normally, but I could not bring myself to ask the question. I was far too horrified of presenting myself, only 7 days clean, as a possible partner for this girl. The shame that is felt is tremendous, and I could use some advise from both guys and girls as to how I could possibly move past this shame that I have.
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What are you ashamed of?
 
I don't know if I'll get kicked for sharing too much detail, so I'll just keep it general. Seeing her as a sexual object. Picturing her in my head in awful ways; ways that I have no right to picture her in. I look at her and I see a beautiful women who is committed to God, but my thoughts won't stop seeing her as a piece of meat made for me.
"But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." - Matthew 5:27-28
I find it extremely difficult not to beat myself up over this.
 
Outside of doing NoFap, I plan on having a meeting with my youth pastor next week. I don't know if it's enough, but I'll just keep trying whatever I can. I certainly don't want to picture her like this, but I guess a part of me really does or else It wouldn't be happening. Maybe having conversations with people like the one that I'm having with you is gonna help give me the accountability that I need.
 
Thinking of Paul's "whatever is good, whatever is noble..." line, and this quote here:
Run_Like_Joseph_Did said:
I look at her and I see a beautiful women who is committed to God
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What can you do to see her more as a complete woman?
Truth is, I think think we always kind of have those thoughts. They can be less frequent as we line ourselves up with God or get better at not oversexualising women, and I think there'll always be that one or two thoughts that sneak in. So the question is not if we can eliminate these thoughts, but rather, how do we respond to them? How can we grab hold of that thought, acknowledge it and say, "yep. That's a thought." and then put it aside? All without judging the value of the thought or ourselves?
I have found this to be a rather helpful approach. So maybe the next time you see this woman and you think, "Nice rack!" or "I want to slide my hand over that butt," or whatever, say to yourself, "yes, that is a thought. Now I'm going to put that thought over here and I'm going to think about something else."
What do you think of this?
 
Run_Like_Joseph_Did said:
I don't know if I'll get kicked for sharing too much detail, so I'll just keep it general. Seeing her as a sexual object. Picturing her in my head in awful ways; ways that I have no right to picture her in. I look at her and I see a beautiful women who is committed to God, but my thoughts won't stop seeing her as a piece of meat made for me.
"But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." - Matthew 5:27-28
I find it extremely difficult not to beat myself up over this.
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We obviously have very different religious views, but I would say that there’s nothing wrong as long as you view her as more than just a sexual object.

It’s okay though to be sexually attracted to a woman though, as a general thing. It only becomes a problem when it’s obsessive.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. If there’s a just and kind God out there worth praising, it’s one that isn’t going to beat up on you because of this.
 
Talking to her in general is a good start. Dont focus on shame, focus on how much your trying and be proud of yourself. Focus on your accomplishment. Everyday that passes presents new challenges and new opportunities, you get to choose how you handle that day.
 
Run_Like_Joseph_Did said:
The shame that is felt is tremendous, and I could use some advise from both guys and girls as to how I could possibly move past this shame that I have.
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what are you ashamed of? wanting to go out with a women ? you thinking your not good enough? is it because you have watched porn and jerked off to it is that it, look it doesn't matter what excuse you use to think you have shame for JUST ASK HER OUT STOP THINKING YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING PERFECT FOR IT JUST ASK your a human being not a perfect robot STOP OVERTHINKING THIS ITS NOT HARD YOU ARE ALREADY TALKING TO HER CLOSE THE DEAL ASK HER OUT
 
The Wrestler said:
What do you think of this?
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I think that that is going to be tough. I'm sure each and every person on this site knows how hard it is to push aside thoughts like those and it takes hours and hours to let go of those desires once I have a firm grasp on them. I do want to see her as a complete woman, but I'm not sure what you mean by that.
MR.W1881 said:
CLOSE THE DEAL ASK HER OUT
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I know I gotta do it, and I'm gonna try my heart out to grow a pair and ask her out the next time that I see her.
 
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