Childhood Bullying , No Confidence, Depression - Recoverable??

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by PMO addict1, May 24, 2021.

  1. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    Please Help me out.. Currently I m in worst situation of my life...PLEASE READ IT I know its long But Ur reply Will help me... PLEASE PLEASE REPLY :(

    My Story - In childhood I was short highted, shorter than my smaller Cousins.. And everyone used to say I m short looks like a baby... That used to hurt me then , even my activities were more childish than my age.. and everyone used to say that and it affected my Confidence... THEN One day I found masturbation, it felt amzing , And on the very first day I fapped 8- 10 times ( that was something I found amazing , as it was just found ) .I was probably 13 years old . And since then I was fapping like 5-6 times daily untill year age of 22 when i found nofap in 2018... and in those years I turned out to be Socially nervous, No confidence to do anything , unemployed , No confidence to get oit from my house , have only a few friends , Cant make relationship to any other person.. Cant even look women in eyes. Still feeling same like in childhood but Now people say I dont do anything to earn... , I cant tell them That I dont even have confidence to get out from my house , forget about earning..... ... THEN i found Nofap in 2018 and been on numerous streaks some were long like 4- 5 months .. But after every relapse I used to binge like 8-10 times that day then start again...I thought nofap will cure everything If i go on a long streak... Than In december 2019 relapseing after 143 days noPMO.. I binged and that binge became 3 months long and I used to fap 10- 12 times daily ..i used to fap and thing I will start in evening then in evening I think to start in morning and in between I used to fap compulsively... I was tensed in this then came COVID 19 .. which caused me alot of stress.. I used to fear my parents will have covid and Everything will end... And due to it I went to doctor he gave me medication for stress to take for 10 days.. that stress went away...But I was Still fapping Compulsively...which was frustrating me .. i was fapping without me wantiing to fap , I was doing because I wanted to have perfect start befre streak amd that start led me to 9 months long binge with insanely excessive fapoing And on last day before my current streak I fapped 24 times.. and since AUGUST 2020 I m on nofap... I m almost 300 days Streak .. But depressed same as last year... I had not smiled genuinly since last year... I am isolating my self socially... because I dont want to come in front of anyone... Beacuse I cant smile ... I m faking my smile and it looks wierd.. in between I was severly depressed after knowing my Mother's kidney disease. but that feeling went after 8-10 Days when I cried infront of my cousin brothers and they supported me .. But THAT Feeling of Depression and brain fog is still with me. , I cant laugh..I Cant remember any story, I feel like derealization...
    and today I told my mother about my depression....

    I m fearing if I will have to be on medication for all my life .. I m 26 now.... .. I m fearing If it is clinical depression or Dysthymia then Its Not curable... What should I do...??? PLEASE HELP ME. ... U wont believe how much I will be relieved by ur reply
     
    Last edited: May 24, 2021
  2. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    PLEASE ANYONE REPLY
     
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  3. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

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    I see you have a great self will , 143 days without porn , 300 days streak , a fight that last from years.
    The problem is not in the porn itself but in what causes the emotive breakup. Low confidence due to low experience.

    From your brief story i can see you are someone that fears a lot illness , covid and diseases. Also mental illness as depression.
    You feel you can be irrecoverable. This believe actually will make you irrecoverable and ill.
    Suggestion is stronger than you think. What you think , you will become.

    Unfortunately you thought that nofap was the resolution.
    A person have a behavioural problem like Masturbation when he have a problem with others fields of life.
    If you are such a fearful person and you have grown up in need of protection and guidance due your stature ,you should start to become independent.

    Start from the bottom. Search what you think a real man is and start to behave like one.
    Start getting manly by doing activities you wouldn't normally do. The harder you try, the more you change.
    I advise you to start psychotherapy, I don't think you need drugs but a good clinical can correctly follow your path.
    And meanwhile you can have space from your parents and search for some liberty
     
    Philippian4:13, Toni7 and PMO addict1 like this.
  4. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    The fact that I m unable to laugh making me think i have some chemical imbalances... and having on medication for life is fearing me... I have googled alot.. and there r people saying Clinical depression Or others like Dystymia Is not Curable permanently and only medication is option... And when my family doctor Prescribed the medicine for 10 days.. which was Benzodiazepine + SSRI combination.. And When I Quit after 10 days.. I was again back to SAME depression.. I last took that meds 2 weeks ago.. and when I was taking them I was normal and hopeful and NOW i m here again.. Hopless , Depressed, Unable to laugh or smile... THATS what fearing me that I can only survive on medicines forever
     
  5. Trobone

    Trobone Fapstronaut

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    Therapy and medication are not always hand in hand.
     
  6. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

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    Then ask your doctor , he/she will give you reassurance
    It is not like you think you won't take medicines forever
    So if you are still depressed just ask for help to your clinical and have faith.
    If you don't believe in therapy then it's all in vain
     
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  7. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    I became little hopeful from ur reply..... I believe in therepy. after seeing everyone supporting it.. And actually I want to be cured From therepy Only...... But problem is My father will take me to Our family doctor first.. And I cant Open all these things to him.. Its too embarrasing ..

    I was also thinking to take antidepressent for like 1 year and within this time I correct all the things which are causing me depression... like my unemployment and Confidence issues, inferiority complex etc.. and then After working on these thing I quit antidepressent after 1 year.... Is it Right approach???
     
  8. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    If possible start to train martial arts.
    It should restore your confidence.

    Also, sport and physical effort will definitely make you feel better and
    excess of energy due to NoFAP will be channeled.

    Good luck !
     
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  9. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    My low confidence is because I dont earn , I m 26 years old and hadnt earned a single penny ever, because of my lack of confidence while speaking to anyone.due to social anxiety and self conciousness . What I was asking is .. Is it right approach that if I start antidepressent for depression and anxiety and when I m on medication it will be easier to talk to people and in between this period I try to earn money and when I improve my self esteem then gradually quit My medication.... Is it right idea??
     
  10. azerty789

    azerty789 Fapstronaut

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    Your story touched me a lot man!

    You should definitely not be ashamed of your current state and don't compare yourself to anyone. What matters is that you feel good right now!

    I advise you not to start by taking medication but rather by a real therapy with a psychologist who will be able to guide you. Don't be ashamed of this, I myself have been to a psychologist for insomnia and many friends of mine have also been to a psychologist.

    Concerning your age, you are 26 years old. Do you realize how lucky you are? You are young, you can still achieve a lot in your life. Don't think that you can't succeed, of course you can, but only if you give yourself the means. Do you want to go back to school? Go for it. Do you want to play sports? Go for it. No one puts barriers in your life but you.

    It's all going to work out, believe me, but you have to do something about it.
     
  11. jarvyjarvison

    jarvyjarvison Fapstronaut

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    If you start medication, only quit with your doctor's approval. Some people don't have to be on antidepressants forever.
     
  12. Excellent advice!. A martial art will help greatly - and a good studio will welcome people wanting to build their confidence ect.

    @PMO addict1 :
    You can work on many aspects of this including your thought patterns.

    If you can get a hold of "10 Days To Self Esteem" by David Burns
    https://www.amazon.com/Days-Self-Esteem-David-Burns-M-D/dp/0688094554
    And do the exercises regularly, many have found it very helpful.

    in addition to exercise - try some daily self-relaxation techniques like guided breathing/ mediation.

    chemical imbalance: look into fish oil and other other natural ways to help brain function - sometimes it just a matter of the right nutrition, exercise and thinking...

    Read biographies of men who had similar childhoods and overcame them - a lot of great men we think of as tough were bullied on childhood playgrounds - and trained to overcome it!

    Good luck!
     
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  13. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    Thank u brother.. these replies and helping hands are making me hopeful ...

    .. Even though I doubt CBT.. may be its just belief because I never been there I want to go to therapist for my Social anxiety , and low self steem which causing me depression... But Its a big Taboo in my family to express these feelings to anyone , I cant even Tell my friends, they all think I m rich ,so I cant be depressed But in reality my family is poor But my uncles family is rich and We live in same house So everyone think I m also rich.. My other family members are very social , and only me and my father is Socially nervous, Unemployed , He lived same like me living now He earned his living by support of my uncle..,I feel I dont belong to my family ,Because I m not like them , And all my cousins want me to be like them Social and earning , I want to be like that But

    yesterday I confessed my mother about my depression , she told me to go to our family doctor, But I cant tell about social anxiety.... And Social anxiety is only curable through therapy.... And If i go secretly there then all the asignment and homework file of Tharapy will be in my house and I cant hide it ( I dont know if symtomps are also written) ... Thats why I was thinking to start antidepresent and work on self improvement myself then Quit the medicine after 1 year through Tapering the dose
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2021
  14. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    I love u guys for giving me hope... .. I will definetly try to do these exercises....

    I m already taking fishoil since last 3 months & Did Guided Wim Hof breathing+ cold shower for 2 months and when I saw no result I quit
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2021
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  15. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    If you are exchanging possibilities of your future wellbeing, therapy to finally gain basic skills to cope with life for keeping family secrets - then you definitely need therapy. You are behaving for your life totally irresponsibly. Your family will not save you.
    Antidepressants will not magically cure you, although they can support you. You received somw good advices. No one will commit to uplift your life except you. I will repeat - no one will commit for your life except you.

    Poverty is not reason to feel shame. Im from poor family also. But if you will not try external help, you will be stuck in poverty forever. No magical day, moment, inspiration, woman, etc will come to save you.
    Your addiction, emotions and bad situation is not the cause of your suffering - these are result of deeper issues. I sense it from distance.

    You are the only one who can and ever will stand for yourself.
     
    Last edited: May 25, 2021
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  16. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    Ok I will go to CBT therapy.... I also think I need medication because of my physical issues like..Weight loss, Muscle twitching etc.. all are due to stress ..... Thank you for ur support
     
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  17. MeTP

    MeTP Fapstronaut

    Be brave! I know that due to depression you lack clarity and you are confused but catch these all opinions as some possible directions to lift you from this fog :)
    Don't let your past define your future.
     
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  18. PMO addict1

    PMO addict1 Fapstronaut

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    Thank You :).. I love u all
     
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  19. I was bullied and had zero confidence as a child due to my narcissistic piece of shit father. There is no greater antidote than self care and self love.

    Over the years I've incorporated many practices in my life such as strength training, intermittent fasting, meditation and prayer, minimalism, debt freedom, and aggressive career advancement (and of course semen retention). Things that instill discipline and pride over the long term, not instant gratification. When you make these practices a part of your daily life and see the dividends paid by your blood, sweat, and tears it tends to make depression and self doubt disappear.
     
    Philippian4:13, PMO addict1 and Abzu like this.
  20. Abzu

    Abzu Fapstronaut

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    totally my story he used to call me devil has born in our home and reason behind all fights that have started
     

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