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Chronologic reflection

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by SuperBaowi, Sep 7, 2020.

  1. SuperBaowi

    SuperBaowi Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone, I've been around nofap community for about half a year. While at start I had a significant improvement (measured by relapes\setbacks), I believe now I'm about where I've started, with greater knowledge of course.
    Relapsed a few hours ago, so I've decided to try to write my story with porn\sex compulsive addiction in order to vent my head and maybe discover some insights;

    First, I was sexually active since a very young age; memories of my masturbating even when I didn't knew what it was (not with my hand). I was one of the first in my grade to evolve sexually, I know that due to pretty weird games that curious kids playing...

    Another thing is that I think I've always was able to be turned on from male genitals. I never wanted to kiss or be in a relationship with a male, but I did "play" with other male friends when I was a young child (my earliest memory is from elementary school). I liked to call it "straight+" back then (never told anyone of course)

    I think I was introduced to porn at about 10-11 years old, at one of my friend's home back then. actually, we were looking at Omegle, which was quite of a perverts paradise, and got excited from the thrill to see naked men and women.

    I can tell for sure that, gradually, it became a habit for me to masturbate in those kind of sites, and then shifted to porn sites at least till I was 14. I was almost always alone at home after school and it became my routine, that seems automatically. I remeber how genres became more and more bizzare. I never enjoyed hardcore\sado shit, but it took a poly-genders-bodytypes disorted...

    sometime at 2013 (I was 14) when I was at a video chat site, I was in a chat with a girl who convinced my to add her as a facebook friend. foolishly horny little boy as I was, i accepted her. A few hours later, she blackmailed my and copied all my friends list and asked to transfer money or she'll post vids of me naked and masturbating. Needless to say it was a fake girl account and I was chatting with an imposter who probably got a naked girl video.

    Yup...

    I remeber me report this accout a dozen times, screenshot the account and chat and send it to police internet investigators and beg them to remove this profile. I was so nervous. It went on like this for a week. I don't know how it happened, but the profile was deleted and the imposter didn't got me ever since, what a relief you must be guessing...

    I do remember myself swear to never go to this sites again. But I didn't stop to watch porn.

    Running forward to 12th grade, Im 17-18. I did came back to video chats online, mostly with males. I did try to stop a few times but with no success. I didn't knew nofap back then. Basically Im trying to stop ever since; with many time-counters, apps and failures. I want to point again that Im turn on by males genitals only and after I cum, I don't understand why Im turn on by this and wish it was a female instead. Weird shit right?

    This year at March, I was introduce to Nofap, after a google search about how to stop watching porn. That was to first time i took my efforts to quit seriously. I had a motivation boost that led my to a great streak of 23 days (longest record since 2017 was 26 days, fucking sad), but, as I said at start, I feel like I'm back to square one.

    I feel so possessed with this addiction, I still believe I can quit for good and considering profesional intervention on this.

    If you've gotten this far, I'm really, really thanking you!
    I would really love to hear any insights or suggestions you have (please no push ups, cold showers, willpower and all the worn out stuff)
    Wish you all a meaningfull, happy and constructive journy <3
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2020
    Supination and TransverseWaves like this.
  2. As someome who got into roulette cybersex at age 15 and really only managed to stop several months ago, you have at least realised you have a problem whereas I was in denial for a long time and it has fucked me up badly in terms of self esteem, social life and drive to seek out relationships. Of course I have also been addicted to porn for probably the same duration. I'm afraid I have no good advice for quitting solo since it took hitting rock bottom and a couple of mental breakdowns for me to quit cybersex (am only 3 weeks clean from porn though) but I think at this point it would be a good idea for you to reach out to others for help. Many addicts are powerless to stop their behaviour on their own so don't feel bad about that, I would say a good place to start would be a sexaholics/sex addicts anonymous 12 step group since there you can find someone to hold you accountable and a structured way to quit this addiction. Other alternatives would be finding a therapist that specialises in sex addiction or if you are brave enough finding someone you trust irl to hold you accountable. Also investing in a good porn blocker that you can't uninstall would be a good idea since then you won't be able to access these sites or porn for that matter. Personally I have found a therapist that has helped a lot with trying to quit these addictions as well as deal with the negative effects on my mental health. Hopefully some of that is useful to you and good luck!
     
    Baowistop likes this.
  3. SuperBaowi

    SuperBaowi Fapstronaut

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    @TransverseWaves
    Thank you for comment!
    Glad to find out I'm not alone on this one...
    I do a member in a 4 people's (whom from my area) whatsapp group and a facebook group. it does help but it ain't quite helpful in the stressfull\urges moments.
    My situation is that right now I still live at my parnet's house so me get involved in a therapy sessions will force me to tell them where do i go (none of my family\friends know im struggling). I think it will be the true last resort after giving up; If I'll find myself out of my parent's home and still addicted, I will look out for a professional therapist.
    I tried it a few times. it last for a week or two but in the heat of the moment, I always find a breach (uninstall the app, downloading another internet browser...). I also think that porn blockers are only a stamp on a wound and not a healing solution.

    Im going to try an approach of just cutting a half of my use every month (right know its up to 10 times a month) and to change the goal from "being alpha|getting a girlfriend" kind of stuff, to just get rid of all this sexual orientation thing and to reveal my true sexuallity.
    They say the more you dig into it it'll get worse so I need to do it one time and for all (so easy to say...)
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2020
    TransverseWaves likes this.

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