Clinical Depression

Hi all, I came very close to a relapse yesterday. My fibromyalgia pain and brain fog overwhelmed me. I tried to reconnect with someone who could have helped me. But my pleas were rebuffed. Partly I suspect because of my inability to pay his professional fees. But more importantly because this health expert views me as a lost cause. As I do myself!

This light bulb moment was terrifying to say the least. But it is true nonetheless. I am an abject failure. My health problems are insurmountable. I went on a binge of comfort eating. Then sank in to a stupor. I retired to my bedroom. I hoped I would not wake up. When I awoke I started to surf the web on my tablet.

Absent mindedly I started to enter names from my imaginary harem. Only the fact that I am chronically fatigued prevented me fapping. I also remembered the hell of compulsive masturbation. My fatigue and fear were enough to stop me. This time! But I don't know how long I can resist the pull of my addiction. Frankly I view life as not worth living at present!

Take care everyone!

 

Hello folks,
my diet has been appalling recently. I sleep poorly every night. Alas I drink too much coffee to compensate. This aggravates my fibromyalgia /neuritis. I got very irritated this afternoon. I was online and entered a name in to the search engine I should not have.

I realised I was edging but foolishly kept viewing pictures. I felt myself about to burst in to tears. Because I believed a relapse was imminent. I managed to shut down the tablet. But I believe if I were not on anti-depressants I would have ejaculated. I felt terrible afterwards.

I don't believe I am a pervert. But my lifelong depression leads me to over do anything that gives me a dopamine rush. I overeat in order to bury my shame and sadness. The consequences are dismal physical health. Clinical depression is the root of much of my unhealthy habits.

I intend that 2021 will be a year of personal transformation for me. I will resume in earnest, today, the 32 Parts of the Body Meditation. I won't reset my without PMO counter. Because I did not masturbate and managed to stop viewing harmful images. I also realise that if I reset my counter now, toxic shame will drive me into a living hell.

However I will not be so gentle with myself in future. I will set out the causes of this latest scare in my log. This is called "Dexter's Journey" if anyone wants to find out more. I will reset my counter if I continue to play with fire! PLEASE ADVISE COMRADES.
Good luck everyone!

 

Thanks pal. Do you think I should reset my without PMO counter?