Closet Furry Christian who cheated on wife in ERP

Hi all,

I have been a closet furry for 20+ years. I used images from furry and multi-human (think extra limbs and body parts, humantaurs, etc.) sites to masturbate regularly. Normal regular human-on-human porn doesn’t really do it for me. I became a Christian soon after discovering the furry fandom, and have fought with this conflict inside me ever since. I believe and practice the faith, even with this thorn in my side.

I’ve also now been married for ~6 years now, and have a 3 year old daughter.

Recently I found a community online that was very accepting of people’s kinks, so I opened up about my furry side and was welcomed with open arms. I was privately invited to join some furry chat communities, and found myself getting into erotic roleplay (ERP) (aka cybersex for furries).

I found myself validated within the furry and multi communities as a complete human being, something I’d never felt before. I was told I was a good writer. I found new energy and vigour for life, and a whole new libido and confidence to make actual love to my wife.

However, after a few sessions of ERP this I realized that... I’d been cheating on my wife. I was not okay with this and I had to come clean. This hurt, but it was good that I now had no more secrets. She took it much better than I ever deserved, but because I confessed that I’d been using porn for our entire relationship and marriage, she is finding it hard to trust me. Understandably.

I have support in terms of a couple of furrys in the community being shoulders to lean on, I have a counsellor and a very understanding and forgiving wife. I’m going to a 12-step program, and I’m sharing progress and reflections on my struggle with the first chat group about my fall and consequential recovery. I’m well supported there, and my counsellor says that I’ve basically found an online church of sorts, only better because people don’t judge and have major encouragement for each other.

I’ve tried quitting porn in the past. I went to year long weekly courses, 10 week courses, all from a conviction that I knew I was doing something wrong. But those courses never stuck, as I was still suffering from chronic loneliness and depression. I am getting help for these issues with my counsellor.

I’ve come to realize that, at least for now, my porn addiction is a separate concern from being a fan of the furry. This helped me with resolving the difference between my porn use and my kinks, which for now are part of my sexual identity.

For now, and in order to build trust with my wife, I’m abstaining from looking at any furry imagery and taking part in any roleplay. With my wife, I deleted my accounts to the sites I was using. She has to trust me, but I have to be honest with her.

I’m doing PM mode. I’m 3 days clean.

I’m 38, Male and I’m happily straight. I joke that I’m a skunk girl and a fox girl who are gay for each other, stuck in a straight male human, but that’s just for laughs. I’m happily married.

If you’re a recovering furry porn user, I’d love to chat.

My NoFap Journal

 

Thanks, Freddiefox.

My plan is making it to 90 days PM-free, continuing to see my therapist, taking part in the 12 step program, and journaling here. Once I hit 90 days, I’ll reevaluate my symptoms and decide if I can engage in the SFW furry fandom again. I’ll steer clear of it until I and my wife feel honestly and genuinely confident about that.

I have plenty of people to talk to, and I actually feel ready to finally kick this thing. I’m not as lonely as I used to be! I used porn to medicate my loneliness pain away.