Codependency and PA; gaslighting vs controlling

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by need4realchg, Apr 24, 2019.

  1. nicename

    nicename Fapstronaut

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    Hey you know what, I think we all just got trolled.
     
  2. MadWoman

    MadWoman Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for posting this. This describes my husband to a T. Every last one of them applies to him. I read through all of the posts here, and have made several observations. There are a few women here that seem to conveniently take things out of context and exploit them for what purpose I do not know. Whatever the reason, they need to get beyond it. It only hurts them in recovery, and by extension, their husband. It occurs to me that several of them have become codependent on one another. All anyone needs to do is go read some of the other threads, which I do a lot, to witness it. I would suggest burying the hatchet, and preferably not in your husband's back. We're all crazy. Our husbands made us that way. However, we can decide to wallow in our own craziness, and self pity, or help ourselves out of it. That's the best thing we can do for ourselves and our husband's recovery.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    @MadWoman thank you, I am humbled by your thanks. I am new to the community but aimed to help contribute to the healing process by removing stigmas. I have learned that shame perpetuates the chains of addiction.

    I wish you the best in your journey !
    Blessings.
     
  4. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    I've watched this site for weeks trying to understand my boyfriend's behavior. Can you please point out what posts are exploiting? I want to make sure my feelings are real & not being felt purely out of anger. I have tried to help myself out of the trauma but I want to validate my beliefs. How do I do that if my experience is different than yours? What if you've gone through something worse than me and I judge how you react to something? I just want to make sure I am not wallowing in craziness.
     
  5. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Please, feel free to put whatever you feel has been exploited and taken out of context back into context. I'm sure everyone would love to be enlightened.

    Not every SO is crazy. You might be, and your husband might have driven you there, but you dont get to speak for everyone else. What exactly was your point in posting? Based on your condescending post, it seems you have this SO thing down pat and only came here to put others down. This strangely reminds me of certain SO journals I've read in the past...
     
  6. MadWoman

    MadWoman Fapstronaut

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    The most recent example, I said "There are a few women here that seem to conveniently take things out of context and exploit them for what purpose I do not know." You said "you don't get to speak for everyone else." I didn't say everyone else. I didn't even say you. I said a few women here. Context! There are numerous examples of this throughout this thread.

    My point in posting was to support the author that created the thread. I cannot help it if you take exception to that. I believe in every word he said. I believe in every word I said.

    I greatly appreciate the gaslighting. "Not every SO is crazy. You might be", "your husband might have driven you there", "your condescending post" and "only came here to put others down". Speaking of condescending!

    I've been here for just over a year now. For the most part, all I have ever done is read until recently. It is amazing what you can learn when you just shut up, read, and learn.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    You said:

    I was simply pointing out that, no, we aren't all crazy like you said. When you make a statement with the words "we" and "our" , surely you are including yourself in that, right? So, how is it gaslighting if you called yourself crazy and said your husband made you that way? Those were your words, not mine.
     
  8. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    My dear friends, we agree assuredly gaslighting does occur —however the assumption that most PA’s gaslight their women is a valid assumption to challenge? Yes?

    Given the present thread I presently understand gaslighting applies to a select group of manipulative individuals , hence why it’s good to inform and not condescend upon those who have an experience that differed with out opinion? May we be fact-based using empirical or statistical data instead of anecdotal-based solely.

    Arguing as a demagogue is certainly not a convincing method to persuade those men or women with whom we disagree.
     
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Gaslighting is common of MOST addicts. Unless the addict was honest with their SO from the getgo or unless when the SO asked if they used porn and they were honest... the PA most likely was gaslighting.

    Gaslighting can happen without the indivudal realizing they are doing it.

    When an SO confronts a PA and says, "Do you use porn is that why you aren't having sex with me?" and the addict says, "Of course not, I love you, I am just stressed, you're totally off base" that is gaslighting. It can be a calm, "nice" conversation from people looking at it, but reality is when you lie to cover the truth and make your partner question their reality you're gaslighting them.

    My husband had no idea what gaslighting was, nor do most addicts who come here. They simply think they are lying to their partners.... but it's much more than that and they only learn that when they get into recovery that they were completely destroying their SO.

    If you lied, continued to lie, make your partner question themselves, you gaslight them. If you switched it back on them, blaming them, you've gaslit them. It's much more common than you think
     
    hope4healing, need4realchg and Numb like this.
  10. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

  11. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    Beautifully put.
    Yes - many of the lies are crafted and intended to cause the other party to question and deny his or her own intuition, call into question his or her evidence-supported assessment of situations, or deprive that person of the information they need in order to make decisions about their lives.
     
  12. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    Exactly @Susannah it's not like any addict can deny that they lied to keep their partner in the dark..... I don't care if the addict is scared and ashamed.... I have been there and I get it, but when you take the other person's right away to choose that is wrong. There was no consent to the relationship we all entered. We consented to a false relationship.... we never knew what we were in for which is wrong.

    I told my husband prior to getting together about my anorexia, sexual assault and rapes and said I can't have porn in a relationship.... why? Because he should have a choice in whether he wants to be with someone who might have health issues for their life and if they want a partner who might or might not be able to have sex or might have flashbacks during sex that are intense adn scary..... it's wrong to trick someone into a relationship because You fear They Won't Accept All of You.

    I would rather tell the truth and have that individual walk away and save me the wasted time than to lie to someone get attached reveal myself and have them leave....
     
  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

  14. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    @need4realchg you are the rarity, and good on you for being honest from the getgo. And yes, I know that addicts do suffer from co-dependancy as well and that needs to be addressed. I think one way to distinguish a co-dependant from a gaslighter is if the individual feels they cannot live without the other... co-dependants often feel like without the other person they are nothing or cannot survive, etc. And co-dependants can gaslight as well.

    I know that my husband struggled with co-dependant issues where he relied on me for everything adn felt he could not live without me, yet was lying and gaslighting me... I know that @TryingHard2Change also has experience with co-dependancy and lying maybe he can chime in on this topic as well given he has been through it.
     
    need4realchg likes this.
  15. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Great point. I will await his input.
     
  16. I haven't had the chance to read your story / your background...."completely honest" about your porn use? while it was happening? Or only after confronted/asked?

    Just curious...
     
  17. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    Nope. I told my fiancée who I before we married. I didn’t want her to be surprised. Also was honest up front y before separating.
    just how I thought made sense
     
  18. What did you tell her? "Hey honey...I watch porn...hope you're okay with that...let's get married."

    ..

    And I'm not trying funny -- my wife's good friend--the maid of honor in our wedding actually--she knows her husband watched porn / she doesn't like it / but she is "okay" with it. That works for some couples. (doesn't make it right or healthy)

    ..

    So you two separated -- unrelated to porn?
     
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  19. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    It's obvious someone has low self-esteem & has created multiple accounts to make themselves feel better. @MadWoman how dare you judge other people's very real feelings & thoughts based on their situations. You claim we're all "crazy" & then conveniently backtrack on this statement by saying only "certain women" on this thread are crazy.

    IF you are a true SO of a porn/sex addict, you'd empathize with the other women, not try & make them question their own personal realities.

    Regardless, I don't believe you have lived through what these women have or else you'd shut the hell up & stop advocating for the OP, whom clearly has his own issues.

    Once again, don't you dare try & throw a SO's trauma in her face. Ignorance, ya mad woman.
     
  20. Messymasterpiece

    Messymasterpiece Fapstronaut

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    Honest?!
     

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