Codependency: Potential Root Cause for My Social Anxiety

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Pastor Preston, Feb 20, 2019.

  1. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    It has been three years since I was diagnosed with social anxiety. I finally, within the past four or five weeks and with the help of my pastor, have realized what may be the root cause of my social anxiety: codependency. I have been dependent in some way on my parents for a long time, though I live away from home. I struggle with being dependent on my pastor and professors. I am dependent on friends. The strangest part is how dependent I am on a girl that I have become friends with over the past few years. My mood and needs revolve around her in an unusual way. I haphazardly refer to her as the girl I like (on this forum; I call her by her name, in reality) and I have talked about her so much to my friends that it's almost laughable. I genuinely care for her, don't get me wrong. I have based my feelings for her on who-knows-what, though. The point is that I have let myself become dependent on her.

    Before her, there were other people. The first time that I am sure I struggled with codependency, it was with a woman that I met during a college internship. She was an anxious person, and I based all of my feelings on her. It was to the extent that I blushed, got cold sweats, and grasped for words when I was around her. That was the first time I ever experienced this. I thought that she would be the only instance of this ever happening. I dated another girl that met at the same place. I was codependent on her, but did not have nearly the same reaction. I went another two years without really meeting any girls. It was during this time frame that I became badly addicted to pornography. I met a beautiful young woman at church when I was 23 years old. I talked to her a few times and realized that we had some chemistry and a few things in common. I thought about her constantly for the next few days, even obsessing over her. When I saw her volunteering for a youth event, I panicked. This would be the reaction I would have to her until I left for college.

    During the first year of college, I talked to every girl I could. I got tons of numbers and Facebook friends. I had similar reactions with several girls. I thought that it was purely social anxiety or even just purely the porn addiction. I became severely codependent on a girl that I knew during my first year of college. I pursued her and nearly lost my mind when she rejected me. She is surprisingly now an incredibly good friend of mine, maybe because she steadily dates one of my best friends. Then, I worked at a camp one summer. I became codependent on a girl and had that reaction. I didn't have the first plan to pursue her, though, because I was still heartbroken from the previous rejection. Then, I became codependent on a girl that was in my seminary classes. Funny how I met the girl I like now at the same time, in the fall of 2017. I never liked the seminary girl that way, I was just emotionally dependent on her.

    Then, last summer, I slowly began the process of becoming dependent on the girl I like now. I joined NF in July 2018. This made me yearn for a relationship. My pastor encouraged me to hang out with a few of the girls who were working at the church, because I told him that I wanted a relationship. I hung out with them, and it was hectic at first. In my mind, I wrestled between the two girls. By November, I knew which one that I liked, but sadly I did not realize what I was doing to myself.

    Just a side note, November 25, 2018 was the last day that I viewed porn or consciously masturbated. I have also managed to completely quit sleep masturbating (sexsomnia). Since that time, one girl at my church has been the object of my thoughts. It is strange, because I see more things about her than just her appearance. For roughly the past three weeks, I have not had a sexual thought about her or anyone. I view her as an amazing and talented woman, rather than just an object of any type.

    I have been dependent on my family, friends, pastor, and one girl or the other for the past three or more years. I am learning to be my own person and, at the same time, depend on God. I want to be a good, Godly friend and be able to be in a healthy, Godly relationship. I needed to share this. Thank you soo much for reading...
     
  2. Eprst

    Eprst Fapstronaut

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    Try CoDA, it has helped me.
     
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  3. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    I might do that. Do you know anything about their online chat rooms?
     
  4. Eprst

    Eprst Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, I’ve participated in one or two; they have them at certain times on certain days. Their forum/message boards helped me the most so far, reading others journals and doing my own.
     
  5. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    I'll look into it. If nothing else, I'll use the resources on the site.
     
  6. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Whats that?
     
  7. Eprst

    Eprst Fapstronaut

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    Codependent Anonymous.
     
  8. horny nerd

    horny nerd Fapstronaut

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    Is being codependent always bad. I feel I am codependent after reading this post.
     
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  9. Eprst

    Eprst Fapstronaut

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    In essence you put your happiness in the hands of others, looking for validation, love, reassurance, as well as attempting to control others. It's a tough way to live, as being codependent typically brings you back to the same spot over and over--feeling empty and frustrated by others letting you down.
     
  10. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    I think everyone depends on others for something. Codependency is when it gets unhealthy, like when one demonstrates the traits you mention.
     
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  11. A balance is definitely healthy. A human cannot thrive completely on their own, but being dependent on too many others displays weakness.

    I would say establish quality relationships, don't burn bridges, but build yourself up primarily. Quality relationships are those where both parties exhibits mutual respect. I recommend not burning bridges, even if you meet a prick, because then you made yourself an enemy, and that's just extra stress to deal with. Build yourself up for the sake of inner confidence and pride.
     
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  12. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    Those are hard to find, but they do exist.

    Very true, thanks for the advice!
     
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  13. pavx92

    pavx92 Fapstronaut

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    It is interesting. I think it can easily be confused with love addiction/relationship addiction, but, to me, codependence is more about ATTACHMENT and love addiction is more about CONTROL which obviously have many intersections. I've been in many relationships and my thinking has always been get them to be who I want or leave them, which I wouldn't say is codependent but is problematic nontheless.

    Do you feel like you have to be with these women or do you just admire them?
     
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  14. Capt. U

    Capt. U Fapstronaut

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    For me personally, I always thought of myself as a pretty indepedent typr of dude untill, after a while of talking to my therapist she came under the conclusiion that I fall in love too easily thus co-dependency. When I was with my ex, my feeling felt like they revolved around her, if she felt bad I felt bad, if she was happy I was happy. Crazy part is even now when we have broken up and have not spoken to her I feel a sad that we are not communicating anymore, but we need time to heal. Thanks for sharing mate.
     
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  15. Pastor Preston

    Pastor Preston Fapstronaut

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    For the most part, it is just admiration. When I get attached to someone, I feel like everything centers around them. They're all I can think about. I feel like they are the only one I can ever love.
     

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