Comfort was the Issue (2 Updates)

After having tried and failed multiple times to maintain a good rebooting record, I'd given up. A lot of other things were off in life as well other than just the inability to avoid PMO. Rebooting was perhaps the least of my concerns in life. I'd failed to discover meaning in any area of life, in any kind of pursuit. Having naturally been someone who couldn't feel content with just experiencing life as it was, but rather questioning everything about it to the absolute end, I'd always failed to shove myself into a template of life I'd assumed was appropriate and desirable.

A few months after having given up the rebooting process and other healthy pursuits regarding breaking bad habits and building good ones, I took some steps in life that I felt were my only go-to for potential salvation.

I turned myself in to the Border Services, telling them that the work permit application that had been submitted on my behalf was based on a fraudulent job offer,

I started declining financial support from my parents, which eventually led to me becoming homeless.

I'll be flown out of the country I'm currently living in, back to home, and my plan is to not take up any work there. I'm planning to be on my own, not go back to any friends, family or relatives.

There's a lot that went behind all these decisions, and I don't wanna get into the story of why I had to give everything up. All I can say is that despite the physical circumstances of the past few months, I've been the happiest that I've ever been.

I don't have access to a warm, private room for the entire day where I can have unlimited access to a computer, a bed and junk food. I don't have money for buying food that's potentially unhealthy, I'm forced to be uncomfortable in many ways, and a lot of privileges have been taken away from me.

That's led me to have a much easier time avoiding indulgence of any kind. It's a lot easier not to PMO now that I don't stay in a comfy private bedroom all day. That's despite the fact that I'm getting stimulated a lot more by the sight of real women. I'm having uncontrollable fantasies that I sometimes don't even realize I've been having until they've ended.

Things were as hard as they were in getting my life together in several areas, in a large part because I was comfortable. I was spoiled. Life was easy.

I'm currently accessing social services in Canada that keep me warm, safe and relatively comfortable. But even still I've had to make decisions to cut things out.

I was having 2-3 cups of coffee a day from multiple shelters, for example. I had to cut that out two days ago. It felt easy.

I was staying at a much nicer shelter where I could be indoors all day. I was spoiled. I wanted to give up my spot but I couldn't. (Un)fortunately, the staff there determined that I couldn't stay there any longer due to complications regarding my status, It sucked having to leave, but a part of me was relieved since what I didn't have the courage to do myself had happened for me. I've been much happier, although less comfortable, not being there anymore.

I do have a bed at a shelter every night, and during the day there's always a warm place to go to, like a shelter or a library, depending on the day and the time. But I still carry myself to the park every day and lay down on my yoga mat for a few hours, letting the mind be alone.

I'm trying to restrict computer use and the consumption of unhealthy food whenever possible. (Sometimes unhealthy food like pizza is all you get if you wanna meet your caloric needs.)

Though circumstances will only get worse and more challenging, especially after I'm flown back to my home country. Social services will not be as numerous and good as they are here, if there are any at all considering COVID. It's also likely that I just end up distancing myself from people altogether, and try living in the wild.

Life is good for now, and I'm doing a lot better in finding what's meaningful to me in life. I'm a philosophical thinker like I've always been; I'm just letting that passionate urge be expressed more as everything else that I considered necessary in maintain a comfortable lifestyle has been removed,

I've never been deeply fulfilled with simply dismissing analytical judgement and just experiencing life as it comes, extracting any pleasure out of it that I can. I feel like I'd rather dig deep into the mainframe, find the truth that I'm looking for, and make things good - for myself and for others.

The worst thing that happens is that I die. So be it. I'll accept that risk in pursuit of whatever my deepest self is looking for.

Edits:

Mar 20, 2021: Update #1
Apr 08, 2021: Update #2

 

Thanks.

I'll be flown out in about a month, and will post an update before leaving.

 

I don't consider the mind to be an infinitely malleable entity that can be controlled to any degree in any circumstance. If certain circumstances are contributing to push a person into indulging in unhealthy stimulation (be it through PMO, gaming, drugs, etc), it's not surprising that a change in circumstance ends up being helpful.

Again, rebooting was the least of my concerns in making the decisions that I made. Every other fascet of my life was in limbo as well.

 

Update #1:

42 days in, there's still been no PMO.

I've been increasingly giving up comforts, and that's been making me happier.

I haven't had any caffeine since I started the thread.

I've stopped watching YouTube other than content related to survival in the wild, particularly from Primitive Technology.

I've increasingly been spending more time at the park, simply laying down on my yoga mat and letting the mind be by itself. It's not as relaxing or comfortable as it sounds. I'd rather stay somewhere warm indoors and stimulate myself if relaxation were the goal. It sucks to have to go outside, sometimes in rainy/windy weather, and have to lay down in a park for hours around other people.

I've been showering with freezing cold water for the past 4 days. I don't start off easy. I let the water run by itself, and jump in once it's as cold as possible. Every time I enter the shower room at the shelter, I feel like I'd rather die than take a freezing shower again. But I feel like a conqueror when I'm done.

I'm getting increasingly convinced to go live in the wild once I'm back in my home country. There are several reasons for it. In brief, I don't feel compatible and in agreement with the sociological and intellectual paradigms and systems that humans live with in civilizations, cross-culturally and cross-nationally, I have to start living from scratch, distance myself from all influences of fellow humans, and construct my own intellectual paradigms for thought and for action.

I don't wanna be a caveman meditator for the rest of my life. I don't find that pursuit meaningful. I wanna be able to return to civilization with novel understanding that I can use to make things better and more beautiful.

Although I've had frequent changes in life goals over the years, the aspiration that strikes a chord with me very deeply currently is to create a world where I would want to be able to suspend judgement and analytical effort, and just live carefreely. There'd be no problems to solve or things to analyze or worry about, and discomfort/suffering would no longer have to be endured in search of meaning. I could experience pleasure and joy in that world without descent into chaos, addiction and the feeling of meaninglessness.

 

I used to, but I prefer silence now. I just feel like any sound creates a source of distraction for me.

The reason for going into the wilderness isn't my love for nature. I just need to distance myself from all influences of civilization, so going into the wild is the only way to do that.

I'm okay with revealing the detail. It's India. Delhi has a ton of shelters for the homeless, but I don't wanna use those even if the conditions there are decent. As a conservative and libertarian, I believe that socialism is theft and that the government shouldn't force taxpayers to contribute to any social cause. I do believe in doing charity privately, but I also support an individual's right to not give if they don't want to. So I'm not using any government-funded resource or facility.

I might depend on religious organizations and establishments for food, since people donate there by choice. And I do have an adequate amount of money to feed myself and travel for a bit. But since I'm not planning to work, I have to be careful with how I spend it.

I appreciate your concerns.

 

Update #2:

I'm leaving Canada tomorrow on a direct flight for India.

I've had a change of plans. My conscience has guided me to not go into the wilderness for now to live a temporary solitary life. I'm instead going to turn myself in to the authorities once again, this time back in my home country.

My high school certificate was obtained fraudulently. Although the document itself is authentic and was issued to me by the correct authority, I had not written the exams that had led to the certification. My parents had paid some people who got that corrupt arrangement done in an alternative Indian state for an alternative education board.

The hardest aspect of the disclosure is going to be its impact on my family. My parents will be in a lot more trouble than me. I wasn't even told about the arrangement until the exams had already been written for me. Someone in my family had forged my signature as well. I am responsible for using that certificate for pursuing higher education, though.

I have some money in Indian currency for my return. I also have about 120 CAD in my account here which could amount to a lot of money in India, but I'm planning to instead use it to pay off a bit of credit card debt that I'd accumulated in the past but had stopped repaying. I don't have to do this since I'm not being pursued by any collectors and since I'm leaving the country indefinitely, but I feel that it's the right thing to do. It's more liberating than choosing to keep the money for myself.
I don't have any plans beyond turning myself in to the authorities. I'll let that be an open question for myself.
I find myself in two different pursuits at the moment - the pursuit of pure rationality (which makes me a scientific thinker/philosopher) and the pursuit of individualistic morality. There's some conflict in the two and I still don't know how to address that. I have to keep that problem in my mind for now.
I have had a perspective shift about not worrying about long-term plans too much, and rather resting each moment's decision in that very moment. I am getting clearer and clearer guidance over time in regards to finding the right decision in the moment that aligns with me.

I know that I have the ability and the courage to always follow that voice and embrace difficult decisions. I can confront a cold shower every day, so what's hard about confronting tough decisions?

I don't have absolute clarity with anything that I'm believing, thinking and doing in my life at the moment. There's a lot that I need to parse out, and writing this very post helps me in realizing that.

I'm off to a mission now. Being comfortable is done. Having fun is done. Relaxation is done. It's time to get to work.

Any update after this one will probably be far off into the future, especially at a time of major achievement/milestone.