Comfort was the Issue (2 Updates)

Discussion in 'Abstinence, Retention, and Sexual Transmutation' started by Rationaliser, Mar 6, 2021.

  1. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    After having tried and failed multiple times to maintain a good rebooting record, I'd given up. A lot of other things were off in life as well other than just the inability to avoid PMO. Rebooting was perhaps the least of my concerns in life. I'd failed to discover meaning in any area of life, in any kind of pursuit. Having naturally been someone who couldn't feel content with just experiencing life as it was, but rather questioning everything about it to the absolute end, I'd always failed to shove myself into a template of life I'd assumed was appropriate and desirable.

    A few months after having given up the rebooting process and other healthy pursuits regarding breaking bad habits and building good ones, I took some steps in life that I felt were my only go-to for potential salvation.

    I turned myself in to the Border Services, telling them that the work permit application that had been submitted on my behalf was based on a fraudulent job offer,

    I started declining financial support from my parents, which eventually led to me becoming homeless.

    I'll be flown out of the country I'm currently living in, back to home, and my plan is to not take up any work there. I'm planning to be on my own, not go back to any friends, family or relatives.

    There's a lot that went behind all these decisions, and I don't wanna get into the story of why I had to give everything up. All I can say is that despite the physical circumstances of the past few months, I've been the happiest that I've ever been.

    I don't have access to a warm, private room for the entire day where I can have unlimited access to a computer, a bed and junk food. I don't have money for buying food that's potentially unhealthy, I'm forced to be uncomfortable in many ways, and a lot of privileges have been taken away from me.

    That's led me to have a much easier time avoiding indulgence of any kind. It's a lot easier not to PMO now that I don't stay in a comfy private bedroom all day. That's despite the fact that I'm getting stimulated a lot more by the sight of real women. I'm having uncontrollable fantasies that I sometimes don't even realize I've been having until they've ended.

    Things were as hard as they were in getting my life together in several areas, in a large part because I was comfortable. I was spoiled. Life was easy.

    I'm currently accessing social services in Canada that keep me warm, safe and relatively comfortable. But even still I've had to make decisions to cut things out.

    I was having 2-3 cups of coffee a day from multiple shelters, for example. I had to cut that out two days ago. It felt easy.

    I was staying at a much nicer shelter where I could be indoors all day. I was spoiled. I wanted to give up my spot but I couldn't. (Un)fortunately, the staff there determined that I couldn't stay there any longer due to complications regarding my status, It sucked having to leave, but a part of me was relieved since what I didn't have the courage to do myself had happened for me. I've been much happier, although less comfortable, not being there anymore.

    I do have a bed at a shelter every night, and during the day there's always a warm place to go to, like a shelter or a library, depending on the day and the time. But I still carry myself to the park every day and lay down on my yoga mat for a few hours, letting the mind be alone.

    I'm trying to restrict computer use and the consumption of unhealthy food whenever possible. (Sometimes unhealthy food like pizza is all you get if you wanna meet your caloric needs.)

    Though circumstances will only get worse and more challenging, especially after I'm flown back to my home country. Social services will not be as numerous and good as they are here, if there are any at all considering COVID. It's also likely that I just end up distancing myself from people altogether, and try living in the wild.

    Life is good for now, and I'm doing a lot better in finding what's meaningful to me in life. I'm a philosophical thinker like I've always been; I'm just letting that passionate urge be expressed more as everything else that I considered necessary in maintain a comfortable lifestyle has been removed,

    I've never been deeply fulfilled with simply dismissing analytical judgement and just experiencing life as it comes, extracting any pleasure out of it that I can. I feel like I'd rather dig deep into the mainframe, find the truth that I'm looking for, and make things good - for myself and for others.

    The worst thing that happens is that I die. So be it. I'll accept that risk in pursuit of whatever my deepest self is looking for.

    Edits:

    Mar 20, 2021: Update #1
    Apr 08, 2021: Update #2
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2021
    Khan_Jee, HE^MAN, Nautica and 2 others like this.
  2. I don't know how I feel about this but you sound all set and made up your mind. You surely chose a difficult route albeit an honest and honorable one. All I can do is wish you plenty of luck, good fortune and health.
    May you find salvation, may you find the right philosophical questions and answers, and may you be well, safe, happy, peaceful and at ease.

    P.S.: It'll probably be hard if not downright impossible for you to fulfill this following request, but I would really love to get a regular update here from you, like some kind of journal or just a quick check-in.
    If only once a month or so.
     
  3. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I don´t think "comfort was the issue" as you put in the title, the issue is your mind no matter where you go your mind will always be with you, it doesnt matter if you are a king, schopenhauer or homeless, if you dont control your mind your mind will control you.
     
  4. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    Thanks.

    I'll be flown out in about a month, and will post an update before leaving.
     
  5. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    I don't consider the mind to be an infinitely malleable entity that can be controlled to any degree in any circumstance. If certain circumstances are contributing to push a person into indulging in unhealthy stimulation (be it through PMO, gaming, drugs, etc), it's not surprising that a change in circumstance ends up being helpful.

    Again, rebooting was the least of my concerns in making the decisions that I made. Every other fascet of my life was in limbo as well.
     
  6. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    Update #1:

    42 days in, there's still been no PMO.

    I've been increasingly giving up comforts, and that's been making me happier.

    I haven't had any caffeine since I started the thread.

    I've stopped watching YouTube other than content related to survival in the wild, particularly from Primitive Technology.

    I've increasingly been spending more time at the park, simply laying down on my yoga mat and letting the mind be by itself. It's not as relaxing or comfortable as it sounds. I'd rather stay somewhere warm indoors and stimulate myself if relaxation were the goal. It sucks to have to go outside, sometimes in rainy/windy weather, and have to lay down in a park for hours around other people.

    I've been showering with freezing cold water for the past 4 days. I don't start off easy. I let the water run by itself, and jump in once it's as cold as possible. Every time I enter the shower room at the shelter, I feel like I'd rather die than take a freezing shower again. But I feel like a conqueror when I'm done.

    I'm getting increasingly convinced to go live in the wild once I'm back in my home country. There are several reasons for it. In brief, I don't feel compatible and in agreement with the sociological and intellectual paradigms and systems that humans live with in civilizations, cross-culturally and cross-nationally, I have to start living from scratch, distance myself from all influences of fellow humans, and construct my own intellectual paradigms for thought and for action.

    I don't wanna be a caveman meditator for the rest of my life. I don't find that pursuit meaningful. I wanna be able to return to civilization with novel understanding that I can use to make things better and more beautiful.

    Although I've had frequent changes in life goals over the years, the aspiration that strikes a chord with me very deeply currently is to create a world where I would want to be able to suspend judgement and analytical effort, and just live carefreely. There'd be no problems to solve or things to analyze or worry about, and discomfort/suffering would no longer have to be endured in search of meaning. I could experience pleasure and joy in that world without descent into chaos, addiction and the feeling of meaninglessness.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2021
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  7. Kilrunio

    Kilrunio Fapstronaut

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    Hey man gonna reply on your topic here.

    Primitive technology is amazing, think he was the first with all the primitive stuff, or one of them.

    Do you listen to ambience sometimes of nature or wild? Maybe its something for you. I really enjoy listening to different ambience on youtube, sometimes from games, sometimes birds, sometimes snow storms, or fire crackling and rain, or a train etc. Maybe that can give you that feeling of being in the wild until you can go live there if you do decide so in real life.

    Big respect with the freezing waters. That is so hard, but big respect. I only do it at the end of a shower and very briefly, so cold.

    Your story sounds incredibly rough, i hope you wont be homeless unless you´re able to do just fine and its by your decision. You seem to be a very intelligent man. Far above average.

    Would a job in nature perhaps be a middle way for you? Like those who check on the animals foods in forests or like has to do with forest activities, or living far outside town perhaps if you choose to do indulge in work or has the option instead of going in the wild?

    You sound like you got a really good head on your shoulders. Like you can take care of yourself well. I dont know where your home country is, but i do hope its decent enough that if you do ever need help you can get it like social help and money etc.

    This thing you said " If certain circumstances are contributing to push a person into indulging in unhealthy stimulation (be it through PMO, gaming, drugs, etc), it's not surprising that a change in circumstance ends up being helpful."

    Is so simple yet so few does it. Its like the thing about if something doesnt work, try something else.
     
  8. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    I used to, but I prefer silence now. I just feel like any sound creates a source of distraction for me.

    The reason for going into the wilderness isn't my love for nature. I just need to distance myself from all influences of civilization, so going into the wild is the only way to do that.

    I'm okay with revealing the detail. It's India. Delhi has a ton of shelters for the homeless, but I don't wanna use those even if the conditions there are decent. As a conservative and libertarian, I believe that socialism is theft and that the government shouldn't force taxpayers to contribute to any social cause. I do believe in doing charity privately, but I also support an individual's right to not give if they don't want to. So I'm not using any government-funded resource or facility.

    I might depend on religious organizations and establishments for food, since people donate there by choice. And I do have an adequate amount of money to feed myself and travel for a bit. But since I'm not planning to work, I have to be careful with how I spend it.

    I appreciate your concerns.
     
  9. Kilrunio

    Kilrunio Fapstronaut

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    Since you sound very intelligent, I think you know what you´re doing. And if you need distance from all the influences thats what you gotta do.

    Thats a big topic with the whole how should soceity work and taxtes etc. Where I love we have some of the highest taxex in the world here in Denmark. Like they want to tax pretty much everything they can, it can feel really unfair and not logical with some of the taxes or the amount of taxes.
    I hope India got a good vaccine program, I was pleasantly surprised when I in some stats that they had already many vaccines, so hope that helps.

    Your plan may get you to meet some amazing people along the way. Sounds like a whole journey. And its good you´ll be careful with how you spend your money.

    I can really relate to your first post about sort of wanting more from life than just the same template. It feels like many people stop growing and just does what everyone else do.
     
    Rationaliser likes this.
  10. You are really cool. I rarely say that, but man you really are cool. Like I know it sounds cliche or dumb, but really... I know it's not someones dream life but I'd love to live in wild too. Doing things on my own. No humans. No gossips, no egos, no conflicts. Just me, trees, sun, animals - nature and the universe. You make me want to get myself a house in a forest and live there.
     
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  11. Rationaliser

    Rationaliser Fapstronaut

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    Update #2:

    I'm leaving Canada tomorrow on a direct flight for India.

    I've had a change of plans. My conscience has guided me to not go into the wilderness for now to live a temporary solitary life. I'm instead going to turn myself in to the authorities once again, this time back in my home country.

    My high school certificate was obtained fraudulently. Although the document itself is authentic and was issued to me by the correct authority, I had not written the exams that had led to the certification. My parents had paid some people who got that corrupt arrangement done in an alternative Indian state for an alternative education board.

    The hardest aspect of the disclosure is going to be its impact on my family. My parents will be in a lot more trouble than me. I wasn't even told about the arrangement until the exams had already been written for me. Someone in my family had forged my signature as well. I am responsible for using that certificate for pursuing higher education, though.

    I have some money in Indian currency for my return. I also have about 120 CAD in my account here which could amount to a lot of money in India, but I'm planning to instead use it to pay off a bit of credit card debt that I'd accumulated in the past but had stopped repaying. I don't have to do this since I'm not being pursued by any collectors and since I'm leaving the country indefinitely, but I feel that it's the right thing to do. It's more liberating than choosing to keep the money for myself.
    I don't have any plans beyond turning myself in to the authorities. I'll let that be an open question for myself.
    I find myself in two different pursuits at the moment - the pursuit of pure rationality (which makes me a scientific thinker/philosopher) and the pursuit of individualistic morality. There's some conflict in the two and I still don't know how to address that. I have to keep that problem in my mind for now.
    I have had a perspective shift about not worrying about long-term plans too much, and rather resting each moment's decision in that very moment. I am getting clearer and clearer guidance over time in regards to finding the right decision in the moment that aligns with me.

    I know that I have the ability and the courage to always follow that voice and embrace difficult decisions. I can confront a cold shower every day, so what's hard about confronting tough decisions?

    I don't have absolute clarity with anything that I'm believing, thinking and doing in my life at the moment. There's a lot that I need to parse out, and writing this very post helps me in realizing that.

    I'm off to a mission now. Being comfortable is done. Having fun is done. Relaxation is done. It's time to get to work.

    Any update after this one will probably be far off into the future, especially at a time of major achievement/milestone.
     
  12. J053H32n4nd32

    J053H32n4nd32 Fapstronaut

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    Comfort is an issue for me. I'm always in my comfort zone. I'm always in bed regardless if I'm touching myself or not. I'm always in my pajamas. Sometimes I'm 12+ hours in my pajamas.
     

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