Coming across as a dick

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Faptomist, Apr 21, 2016.

  1. Faptomist

    Faptomist Fapstronaut

    Hey guys. So I got told by a work friend today that I come across as a bit of a dick and that he was talking about it with another guy yesterday. This was a bit of a shock to me as pretty much all I think about is improving my social skills and making people like me. But then I started thinking about it and I can see what he means. My body language suggests Im not interested in the person I'm talking to and sometimes I'm kind of talking to them over my shoulder and doing something else at the same time. I think that it's a defense mechanism as not to be rejected by the other person if I've the one to exit the conversation. That along with some pickup stuff you should take your attention away at points.

    How do you show genuine interest in a person making it seem like you want there approval?
  2. Faptomist

    Faptomist Fapstronaut

    * Without making it seem like you want their approval
  3. JesusGreen

    JesusGreen Fapstronaut

    The whole pickup idea of taking attention away from the girl is more something to do when you've already got her really into you and doing all the effort on her part - then you can kinda pull back, create a divide between the two of you, and make her chase you a little. If your social skills aren't up to that level yet, then it's going to come off badly and not have the desired effects.

    Next, try to listen more. I can't judge your listening skills without jumping inside your head or having long conversations with you - but the fact is, 95-99% of people out there, are terrible listeners. Ask yourself this question, and answer honestly - when you're talking to someone, what is going on inside your head when they're speaking? Are you already preparing your response? If the answer is yes - you're not a good listener, and need to work on this.

    I had a huge problem with this due to my social anxiety etc making me feel like I needed to prepare my responses in advance - as a result I came off as kinda rude because I was so focused on what I wanted to say and not enough on the other person's side. I've since fixed this and it's done wonders.

    On a similar note, most of us are in too much of a rush to say the things we want to say, and not enough to accommodate for the other person's desire to talk. Think of it like this - it feels so fun when you have a lot to say and are telling someone it all, right? So, if you want to make others that you talk to have the most fun possible, you need to give them the maximum opportunity to speak. Show them that you enjoy listening to them.

    A great rule of thumb is - if the conversation dies, quietens down, or a subject finishes - this is the time to start your own talking on your own subjects. If a conversation is mid way, do everything you can to allow the other person more chances to speak about the subject they've chosen. Ask them questions. Maybe offer short brief thoughts, but don't derail the conversation - instead give your thoughts quickly and concisely and then let them continue to speak.

    Imagine a conversation like two people who have huge 300 page books in their head. Both of them want to try to tell as much of the book to the other person before the conversation is over. Telling the book's story to the other person is more energising than being the one listening - so the one talking will have the most fun in the conversation. If you want to create that fun, take the burden of being everyone's listener - and suddenly you'll be the most charismatic one in the room.
  4. Faptomist

    Faptomist Fapstronaut

    That's awesome advice! Read it and re read it. Your absolutely right I am always preparing what I want to talk about in my head when the other person is talking and occasionally completely drift off and don't listen to a word they've said.

    I will keep this in mind in future and work on my listening skills.
  5. Kiriakos

    Kiriakos Fapstronaut

    1) Gain confidence in yourself so you don't need their approval.
    2) Show genuine interest.

    Its as simple as that. Anything less means that you still need their approval but are masking it and being inauthentic.
    Ascorb likes this.
  6. sih

    sih Fapstronaut


    Some of these tips apply to what's been said already.

    I so struggle with this also. I have spent two thirds of my life try to gain others approval. The one time I had plenty of friends were my last two years of college and grad school. I was doing exactly what I wanted to do and thus my energies and focus were in line with my goals. I think it was attractive in the sense that I had a sense of direction and purpose. Now I don't, I have to get it back.
  7. Amor

    Amor Fapstronaut

    There's an often touted statistic that only 7% of communication is verbal, I believe it to be correct in most social situations. So by focusing on what to say next your missing the other 93% of communication! Much of this communication is body contact and the way in which you say what you say. You could be lacking eye contact, positive tonality, affirmative statements when your friend is speaking e.g. "yep", "oh how awesome", "yeah I've been there too!" and your body language could potentially be dismissive e.g. arms crossed, lack of eye contact, facing away like your disinterested.

    If you do, do all this, you could come across as a prick who doesn't care what his friend says and only cares about what he himself has to say next (despite how much you wanted that 7% to be meaningful).
    Deleted Account and sih like this.
  8. Veritech

    Veritech Fapstronaut

    Perhaps you're perfectly fine and your "work friend" is the one who really is the dick.
  9. cosmicspaceman

    cosmicspaceman Fapstronaut

    Have you every read No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr Robert Glover? It talks about trying to gain other's approval a lot and trying to win yourself back. If you haven't, I would recommend it. I'm currently going through it as you read this.
    sih likes this.
  10. FightingItRough

    FightingItRough Fapstronaut

    have you considered asking your co-worker what he thinks you should improve on? let's face it, our co-workers spend more time with us than our families. it took guts for him to say what he did. his perspective could not hurt. its worth a shot!
  11. TheIdealMan

    TheIdealMan Fapstronaut

    I sometimes get like this when I'm feeling confident, too. I guess, just like practising giving up PMO, you need to practise at being nice/friendly while being confident.
  12. New Life Mantra 333

    New Life Mantra 333 Fapstronaut

    Just be yourself, its as simple as that, try to be as nice as you can but dont let this co-workers opinion get the better of you either,(its just "his" opinion) maybe he was having a bad day and prehaps he regrets calling you a dick or maybe he is just a grumpy shit either way just try to find a happy medium, do not judge youself nor him on that one incident, if he keeps calling you a dick even when your being nice then at least you will know its his problem not yours!

    either way i hope you can work it out, let us know how you are getting on!


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