Coming out to your parents about NoFap

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by Choppers, Jun 17, 2014.

  1. Choppers

    Choppers Fapstronaut

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    Heya, guys. I'm thinking about telling my parents about my addiction. I know I should, but I don't know how to tell them, or how to deal with their inevitable punishments. Share your advice please, or if you have any personal stories, that would be amazing too.

    Thanks, Chops
     
  2. relax_takeyourtime

    relax_takeyourtime Fapstronaut

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    how old are you? I ask this because the scenario might be different for a 16 year old versus a 40 year old.
     
  3. Choppers

    Choppers Fapstronaut

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    I just turned 16
     
  4. relax_takeyourtime

    relax_takeyourtime Fapstronaut

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    The best way to probably do it is to have all of the background information you need to explain the scientific and psychological addiction as your parents may not be familiar to it (or take it as seriously without such information). You could explain how it is similar to drug addiction. Maybe let them know the steps you have taken so far and why you want to quit. Adding what assistance from them would be incremental in your quitting (k9 locks, removal of computer from bedroom, etc). This may be the hardest part for you but be honest so that you have less opportunity for relapse.
     
  5. I told them I had quit at 40 days. By Skype. Never have been that terrified in my life. They already knew I was addicted, because I had depression for this, I didn't told them but my aunt did, but long story short I never saw them that happy. I am dead serious. Something has definitely forever changed in their mind. They know which day I'm at. They consider me as an adult. For my mom's birthday June 11th, I had no money at all, so I said to her that my present for her was being happy, and that I wasn't addict anymore, not for her at all, for me and only me, but now I am happy it is my present for her. I told her graphically, the exact words: I will never masturbate or watch pornography anymore. I swear on God I've never saw someone that happy. That it is my mom, and that it is because of me... Makes me even happier than her.


    The only reason why they eventually could punish you is for watching porn. As you are quitting, nothing should make them happier. You realize you have a problem and are humble enough to tell them about it.

    By the way I'm 19.
     
  6. Don't forget that they are your parents and that they love you, and so all they want is you to be happy. You tell them you are quitting something that makes you sad, so there reaction normally should be positive. relax_takeyourtime is right though, you may want to make them familiar with the fact that it is an addiction, and so a disease.

    Whatever you do... Do it for you. You are quitting for yourself. They might help you, but you're the one who's doing it, and you're doing it for yourself. And you damn deserve it. Nobody deserve to be unhappy.

    Quitting an addiction is about honesty. Being honest with yourself, recognizing you have a problem. I don't know many parents who deal with honesty by punishing it.

    I don't WISH the best for you... I know you'll have it if you want to.
     
  7. Caveat Emptor

    Caveat Emptor Distinguished Fapstronaut

    I told my mom about it at Day 14. Actually, this is the subject of my second journal entry, if you're interested. I was 22 at the time; 23 now. She considers me an adult, even though I live at home. I pay rent and never need her permission for anything.

    It was a very emotional thing for me. I started crying as I was explaining it and stumbling over my words.
    After I was done, she kept saying how incredibly proud she was of me for realizing it was a problem and taking action on my own, rather than being forced into it by some crisis situation, like getting caught watching porn at work or something like that.

    I think you should do it. They'll see how emotional you are about it and support you. I would be very surprised if they punished you after you realized on your own that it's a problem.

    Let us know what happens. I feel invested now. :)
     
  8. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Choppers, when you say you know you should tell, I hope that's based on the positive and supportive relationship you have with them, and not some abstract theory about how families ought to be.

    Because if it is based on your real relationship, then you have nothing to worry about. You're working on getting better and they should be supportive of that. They might not want to hear all about it (because yuck) but they'll be proud of you for being brave enough to come forward.

    Beforehand, think about your reasons for telling them and what kind of outcome you want from the conversation. It might be a good idea to mention those things out loud to them, too.

    Oh, and if your parents don't have a history of being supportive and helpful in general, you don't have an obligation to turn to them. Do share with adults in your life whom you love and trust, but for your sake, not because you "have to".
     
  9. Nate007

    Nate007 Fapstronaut

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    i told my parents, I'm about to turn 16 and i told them in march. i have always wanted to tell them on one level because it was the only big secret between us. what i did is a left my history and top sites full of nofap on our computer with the intent that when my dad went on it he would see the link in the top sites (our homepage) and get curious. well he did and the next day he asked to go for a walk with me alone, he was rather insistent which was unusual for him so i guessed that he had come across nofap. well on the walk he brought it up. we ended up talking for 2 hours about nofap and porn and masturbating, he was as loving and caring as he knew how to be, which was good because i had so much guilt and shame around the topic and that night i just let it all flow out. it was the first time that i cried and felt emotionally raw since i was a little kid. it was probably one of the hardest things that i have ever done. Now telling my dad was a good step but i was really worried about telling my mom because she worked for years in counselling with women who worked the streets in inner cities, so i knew that the whole porn and sex industry topics would be hard ones to discuss with her (or at least i thought i did). Well i got my dad to tell her, and you know what she was loving to. now she basically babied me about it and teased me that i don't see numynums* as milk dispensers anymore, other than that she was fairly loving and just expressed the concern that i find a soul mate and treat her with all the respect i can.

    Now since me telling them my dad has installed k9 on all internet connected divides that i have access to, he has become selective in what ratings on movies he will let me watch. My mom has just started doing little things like asking me if i still look at numinums, asking me if i have crushes or drilling me into admitting that i found some one attractive that we passed on a street.

    So i have found my dads attitude over the past months rather restricted, i think this is because he doesn't quite feel one hundred percent comfortable around the topic of pro, weather it be his past or present habits or how he should relate to me. the draw back to his "restrict everything sexual" approach is that i am not aloud to grow and evolve sexually in my family through shared experiences, in other words i am experiencing something like a solo journey through all my sexual feelings. Now my mom is worse than my dad, she doesn't bug me often about it but when she does it really feels belittling. now i think the root of her belittling or "teasing" comments is that her family always teased about anything that they felt insecure about so i think that her belittling of me is just a way of coping with the fact that i was very open with a topic that both my parents haven't really expired or brought up before.

    I feel like , by opening up so bluntly about pro with my parents, i not only caught them off guard but i exposed a shared insecurity in them, hopefully me opening up might of at least given them pause and let them reflect on their own journey with pro (my mom admits to having big poster of guys in underwear a lover her walls in uni, my dad is quit but admitted to me that he never had or asked for guidance and was (and probably is) still in the dark around p and m, proof of this is that he thought only 10 per cent of the population watched p.

    Now i have mostly talked about draw backs but let me tell you, opening up was hard, it was hard because it was right and i am extremely glad i did what i did. if i hadn't opened up i would still be in my own closet of shame but boy am i ever glad i opened that door and got out.

    Sorry for rambling on for so long but i would like to thank YOU, Choppers for asking about telling your parents because it has let me process and express my own story of telling my parents.

    *(slang term used for breasts in our family that was probably made up because when i was little and wanted to be fead breast milk i would ask (or scream) for "numynums")

    ANY SIMILARITIES IN THIS STORY TO "COMING OUT" STORIES IS COINCIDENTAL. EVERYONE HAS THEIR CLOSETS SO ALL OF US HAVE OUR COMING OUT STORIES, WEATHER THEY ARE ABOUT ORIENTATION OR NOT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT.
     
  10. I encourage you to do this, Choppers. My experience is a little different, because I was definitely NOT addicted in my teen years. I have more details in my journal, but my first exposure was on the family computer when I was a teen, but I had few and far between chances at that. But after my sister got caught red-handed, I felt it was necessary for me to tell my parents. I actually wrote it down on a note and slid it under their door at night... I was too nervous to talk.

    It was like that scene in Office Space where Peter slides the confession under his boss' door. Haha. I knew I couldn't get out of it after that.

    Anyway, they were very loving and supportive and with their help (by which I mean restricting my computer use and generally keeping an eye on me. Which I didn't mind at all, really...) I stayed porn-free until college, where I gave in to too many temptations.

    Now that I'm 30, and have realized I have this addiction, I've debated whether or not to tell them. I don't really know if it's necessarily their place to know at this point. Maybe. At the very least, I might have my dad be the one in charge of the internet blocker passwords/emails. I have some close friends, male and female, that I might confide in when the time is right.

    It is a wonderful thing to share when the other person is supportive and understanding. That's what makes a site like this great! Even though we're strangers, there is a freeing feeling that comes with sharing this life struggle.

    Anyway, I'm glad you brought this up. It's a huge step. I wish you godspeed, sir!
     
  11. Choppers

    Choppers Fapstronaut

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    Thanks a lot for your encouragement guys, however, I don't think I can face them directly about it. I'm thinking about writing them a letter, and leaving it for them to read. They'll probably want me to explain, but I think this is the best way to go. Again, I thank all of you for your stories and your kind words.
     
  12. Rewired

    Rewired Fapstronaut

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    Hey Nate007, It took me a decade to realise that my parents belittling me (over my developing body) was their way of trying to deal with something they found difficult to accept. Well done. You're probably growing up faster than your mum is comfortable with. She probably thinks that you're about to stop being her little man and start going go girl-crazy from hormones, and is (awkwardly) trying to maintain a connection with you. Given her line of work she might even be trying to encourage you to trust her with your feelings, so she can deal with any red flags that might arise. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to feel belittled. Maybe you should take her for a walk, like your dad did with you, and just let her know how her actions are being received. Give her the opportunity to stop doing it instead of getting resentful.

    You're lucky you can be so open with your folks, and bravo for telling them about NoFap.
     
  13. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Choppers,

    Thanks for asking the question. I just read this thread from beginning to end and feel insired to write. I write from the other end of the spectrum, as I am a 50 year old parent of 3 kids, 15 and 10 year old daughters and a 13 year old son. Married to 1 woman for 21 years, and yes, I have confided a lot to her and she has been very forgiving and supportive in my healing, thank God.

    To answer your question, No, I have not told my parents. I have shared with my parents in the past such things as my wife and I being in counseling because things were not great. They were proud and supportive of us fixing our marriage and getting better rather than continuing to suffer.

    Choppers, why do you want to share with your parents? Do you not want the secret anymore? Do you want them to be supportive? Do you want them to arrange some counseling for you so you can explore deeper issues which may be troubling? Do you want them to help protect you, as parents are to do, even though at 16 it is more difficult than at age 3? Do you just want them to listen to you and ask questions and not judge?

    As a human, I think the natural inclination is to judge and verbalize the disappointment and the punishment and whatever other negativity can be spewed out. That is the immature or the inexperience shining through.

    As a parent, we are expected to have a more mature response, which is to listen, and then to listen some more. To thank you for sharing and re-affimring that I am here to help. To tell you I do not have the answes, but together we will get the answers and the healing and get you through this. To reaffirm to you that we will get through this together. To reiterate that I love you and smother you with hugs and kisses, yes, even at 16.

    Which response do you want from your parents? Which response do you expect from your parents? You know your parents better than I do.

    A litmus test might be to recall if your parents discussed the facts of life (SEX) with you at an earlier age. If so, how did that go? How comfortable was your Dad or Mom discussing that with you? How comfortable were you? Did your Dad says something generic like: If you ever have any other questions or concerns, I am here for you to talk to? If he did, here is your chance. If not, maybe he should have.

    I know you are nervous to talk with an old person (Dad) about something so new and exciting (Sex) that he knows nothing about because he is so old. Trust me, he is aware of both the good and the evils of sex. Just listen to the news. Lots of sex crime out there.

    Writing to your parents is a good FIRST step. But I encourage you to present the letter in person and present it verbally. You can read it to them word for word if it is eassier. Be clear what you want to tell them. Be clear what you want/need from them. Do you need their love? Their understanding? Their awareness? More of their time?

    Be clear of what you do not want. You may be clear you do not want their anger, their disappointment, their lectures, their snide comments. Tell them you have enough of all that from yourself already.

    Tell them what you want. You want healing and recovery. You want to learn how to treat women correctly so you can date and marry in a healthy way in the future. You want more time to start/continue hobbies/sports/fishing/etc.

    Answer their questions, but if you are uncomfortable with a question, tell them so. If them ask if you masturbate, say yes. If they ask you your favorite pornstar or your favorite porn site, and your favorite fetish, tell that that is really irrelelvant and that they are all evil and disgusting and that is why you want away from them. You get the idea.

    Before you start talking, you can preface by saying this is difficult to talk to them about, but you feel you want to share this part of your life with them and ask that your parents save their disappointment for later and simply show me your love for now. (Trust me, as a parent, this will diffuse any emotions and pull their interest in to listen intently to their son with an issue. Parents want to be there for their kids, and love it when kids take advantage of it.)

    Choppers, much success with this talk. If you want anymore views from a parents perspective, feel free to post here or PM or email me.

    You are going to beat this addiction and get healthy and have a great wife someday and have great sex with only her and have cute kids and worry about talking to them about sex when they are old enough. Much success.

    freedomwarrior
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2014
  14. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    You may have read all over this site that part of nofap is getting comfortable with discomfort. Whether that is a raging boner that seems to last forever, or that is a freezing cold shower, or that is talking to your parents when you are really scared. I encourage you to face your discomfort and fight through it instead of taking an easier road of writing notes, taking warm showers, and masturbating into a tissue.

    Much success.

    freedomwarrior
     
  15. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    I am re-reading because this topic really touched my heart. Why do feel the punishments are inevitable???

    Make sure you tell them you do not want punishment, but love and acceptance.
     
  16. freedomwarrior

    freedomwarrior Fapstronaut

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    Nate, sounds like nice loving parents you have. Tell them I said said so. If you can tell you folks about PMO, you can certainly talk to your Mom about her annoying comments. Or maybe have a followup to your first PMO talk and talk about your successess and you no longer need to be babied. Or tell them to get it out of their system before you turn 16 and a half or 17, what ever is coming up soon, because after that they are cut off from what ever is annoying you. Or when Mom makes a comment, smile nicely, and say: Mom, that really annoys me, please just say those words to yourself from now on.

    Much success to you today and always

    freedomwarrior
     
  17. Nate007

    Nate007 Fapstronaut

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    thanks freedom warrior and rewired, it hasn't come up to recently but if and when it does again i will definitely consider reopening the conversation and maybe telly my mom (nicely) my opinions about her comments. i am extremely lucky to have such good parents though, i know that a lot of kids arnt so lucky.
     
  18. Choppers

    Choppers Fapstronaut

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    "Can we talk? Mom, I'm a porn addict."
    "What?"
    "I'm addicted to porn and masturbation."
    "No you're not."

    I told my mother right before I quit nofap. She didn't believe me. "I'm too smart for my own good. I'm over-diagnosing with the Internet. Something like that isn't addictive." Reacted with no emotion. Nothing. After that I didn't feel comfortable telling my father, so I just let it die there. It really disappoints me that she doesn't believe me. That she thinks that it hasn't affected my life to the point of crippling self-hatred.

    I would have understood anger or shock, but nothing? There was no emotion on her face. I don't even know why I told her now. There's been nothing to correct it, no effort to help, not even a question about my addiction. Fucking zero.
     
  19. Monster Carrot

    Monster Carrot Fapstronaut

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    Wow. This is kind of heartbreaking. Sounds like she is definitely blocking it out.

    Maybe you should go to your dad if you think he will give a different reaction. Then he might eventually be able to help with your mom. Or, he might be able to help you and you won't need her help.
     

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