Coming to terms with abstinence

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Marvelgurl23, May 15, 2019.

  1. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    So I realized because I've done a lot of long-term damage on myself, now I have to be completely single for a couple years just to recuperate my body and mental health from addictive behavior. How does one cope over knowing this is the reality? I basically will live like a monk for the next half of my life which makes me at peace with myself but also depressed
    Tafi, Deleted Account and Souvent08 like this.
  2. CH3RRY

    CH3RRY Fapstronaut

    It might not need to be a couple of years. Don't even think about that. You should rather focus on doing good things to yourself until you are well again, instead of thinking about waiting a certain time.
    Marvelgurl23 likes this.
  3. Tao Jones

    Tao Jones Fapstronaut

    When you get off the path, the first step to getting back on it is to stop moving further afield. By acknowledging the reality of your addiction and the impact it has had on you, you are arresting that errant motion. This is fantastic!

    You will cope with whatever lies ahead by remembering that you are doing the absolute best thing for yourself that you can do. You are getting back to the "you" you left behind when the addiction began. You will soon find that old self, dust her off, and move on into the rest of your life -- wiser, more humble, and more able to be of help to others who also struggle.

    I'm actually pretty impressed with you! Keep heading in the right direction. One step at a time.
    Marvelgurl23 likes this.
  4. dwarfstruggles

    dwarfstruggles Fapstronaut

    I'm facing a similar situation, though I also infuse religious reasoning.

    At first, I wasn't confident I could abstain from any of it. Then I thought I could abstain from all but O. But now I'm confident that I can and will from all 3. God willing, the only sexual contact I will have, if any, for the rest of my life will be with a woman I don't yet know. And as that assumption settles into my mind, I find it altering everything. My mind had filled itself with junk that seems so gross and futile in this light, and had been doing so since I was so young.

    Here's how I cope, as best as I've been able to thus far.
    • My overarching idea is to wrap myself in an environment conducive to this effort. It's not like I shelter myself entirely, but detecting and avoiding triggers is key to success. Many of the reasons I find for M/O stem from shame and insecurity. Most of the reason for O come from insecurity and disordered physical desire (which I'm attempting to order; maybe I'll unwind more triggers from it over time). Other triggers are unavoidable; like how people dress on a college campus, or the worst, people who are attracted to me. But I'm working on controlling my eyes, and that is helping. When I generally avoid triggers, the distress of being alone goes away. In it's place is a sad longing that happens, especially when I go to bed. But that's good, it's good to be reminded of your desire for the Other.
    • I try to remove triggering friends. It's pretty easy for me as all my friends are digital, and I can just ghost them (as horrible as it might be to ghost someone generally, I think it's the right choice).
    • Spirituality is vital. I could not do this without God's help. Regular prayer and mass are essential. I pray for my future spouse, if she exists.
    • I have to watch what I watch; sex & nudity on TV was nothing when I was watching porn, but now it's trigger. So can be books, and any nonsexual content that induces shame/anxiety/insecurity.
    • This final one is very recent; I'm clearing my mind of sexual fantasies, future partner fantasies, everything. It's going well, for a 40 hour old endeavor. This is in someways the hardest, as doing this is something I've done since I was a small child.

    I hope that helps, and good luck on your efforts.
    Free01 and Deleted Account like this.
  5. Souvent08

    Souvent08 Fapstronaut

    What you are doing is loving yourself and that’s great. It seems like you are having a lifestyle change and thats hard on the mind. You may feel depressed and that may be something you have to go through because of the change. It’s sort of like mourning something that is gone. What you used to do may have brought joy to your life and now your mind is sad that it’s gone. That’s what I think. And like anytime we mourn something, only time helps. I wish you courage and strength.
    properWood and Free01 like this.
  6. Boskiman

    Boskiman Fapstronaut

    Relax, woman. You're doing a good to yourself. A partner can wait, they will be always there and you can get a good one anytime you wish; but fixing yourself, and recovering from the evil is something you'll have to do now unless you want it to get worse. Priorities are priorities: no more.

    Relax that in year and a half your future partner won't disappear from earth, but you'll be in a better condition and you'll be more prepared to have love in your life. Don't be depressed, as you do this to be a better lover to the one who's going to love you too in a future. Good things take time, see it in that way.
    properWood and Souvent08 like this.
  7. Ra1

    Ra1 Fapstronaut

    I am doing a Monk Mode. Please check my threads
  8. I think youll feel differently once you see the benefits.

    My plan is to go on like a monk for the next few years. I'm abstaining from sex and PMO for spiritaul and health reasons. I'm not 100% against it but I'm not real interested in marriage either. My longest streak was 27 days and I abstained from PMO, Sex, Drugs/Alcohol, Video games and TV. It was difficult but it was super rewarding because I really felt free for the first time since middle school. I'm Christian and this was the first time where I actually living in obedience to God and I felt really powerful. My interactions with people were off the charts like I never experienced before. There is really a higher and more rewarding level of living that I never knew existed and it's exciting to know I finally learned how to access it.

    It really taught me that I didn't really need anything outside of myself to be happy and that was only from a 27 day streak. Your fear is just your addiction to your crutches talking. If you committ to this lifestyle there's no telling what type of positive benefits youll get to experience.
  9. Welcome to the club!
    Deleted Account likes this.
  10. try being single your whole life
  11. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    lol I have been single my whole life; not that I haven't had chances to be in a relationship
  12. i didn't have any chances at all
  13. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    Maybe you did but you were never fully open to one; its about how receptive you are to the people around you
  14. no i really didnt. evey girl i have interacted with was taken and clearly not interested. if a girl likes you, she make it obvious
  15. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    Listen to how you think; "every girl was taken" you need to have a list of what you want from a partner rather than having an attitude like it won't work, there's always someone out there for everyone, especially for someone like you who has weaned himself off PMO for so long. You should have the time and confidence in yourself to improve and be comfortable with who you are. Don't let rejection stop you from seeking a fufilling relationship. Its hard because you feel you have to be a certain way to make someone happy but you rly just need to work on yourself and the way you carry yourself. Fall deeply in love with who you are before you go out looking for another girl.
  16. this is statistically impossible cause men are more

    NoFap has nothing to do with atraction
  17. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    Actually there are more women than men now in the west, I think the male to female ratio depends on where you live but it shouldn't matter. To answer what nofap has done for you, I'm sure you are not the man you were before nofap right now. Nofap can pull you out of that negative energetic state which no doubt would make you at least attractive to some of the population.
  18. it doest matter and where i live men are a lot more. even ym uncle noticed.

    that is a big truth. but that doesnt mean im attractive either. nofap gave me surrivval skils mostly.

    thats not how it works. all women want the same thing, the genetic elite of men.
  19. it would be nice if they did. women want tall guys with square faces. to seek the best male genetics is their biology
  20. Marvelgurl23

    Marvelgurl23 Fapstronaut

    I can't change the way you think, but nofap alone will not help you. You need to work on yourself, your physical strength, your health, your abilities in the real world, hobbies, etc. Same goes for anyone else regardless of gender. Nofap is just a tool to get you into that state of mind that you have potential for great things but if you don't allow yourself to do them or be in a situation where you can practice it, you will have a hard time believing in yourself like you do now.
    I'd say for starters change your avatar into something you picture yourself becoming or something that shows your positive self rather than your misery (no offense Lol)
    dwarfstruggles and properWood like this.

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