Compulsive Masturbation

While no one told me growing up that masturbation was bad or forbidden, I felt shame about doing it and even as a teenager, I sensed that I was unable to resist this solitary act of self soothing and self pleasuring.

Even at sleep away camp and during the many times that I had roommates, I would sneak away to the toilets for a wank or quietly masturbate in my bed, hoping not to get caught. I masturbated so much that it became my "go-to" solution for almost any trouble I had. Deep down, I knew something was wrong when I felt a powerful urge to masturbate when stressed, or experiencing failure, or rejection . . . or feelings of doubt when spending a lot of money.

This progressed into compulsive masturbation. Certain events and triggers would hit me with such an urge for relief that I wouldn't be able to "hold off" for an appropriate time. I was at a video store and one woman's behaviour triggered me so much that I touched myself and

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

quickly came in my pants

But that was just the beginning. A woman would flash me a teasing look and I'd just have to. I'd run off to the nearest bathroom and if there wasn't one, I would experience a deep sense of panic until I could get that release. I have masturbated at work and

Spoiler: Trigger Warning

cum in my pants

more times that I care to admit.

Now, while trying to quit for years now, most of my slips and relapses have been of the variety described above. Rarely do I jerk off with my hand, I'm more likely to almost spontaneously blow my load, often without getting an erection, and often under humiliating circumstances - like while getting a massage, at work, or even just walking down the street.

I haven't masturbated (or orgasmed) for five months now, but the struggles and urges are still there. Just now I almost had an O while taking a walk on a hot sunny day. My mind tries to convince me that it's better to let it out now than risk it happening during a massage or a doctor's appointment.

Can anyone else relate to this?

 

Thank you guys for the replies. It makes me feel less alone with my troubles.
This site is focused more on porn (and I get that, too - spent thousands of dollars on porn and had a huge stash) but my masturbation addiction is even more problematic. Maybe because porn is a little easier to compartmentalise (at home, in solitude) but masturbation urges can hit me anytime and I wrestle with it almost daily.

And the more I fail to resist compulsive masturbation . . . the more compulsive it becomes, potentially overwhelming me, even at the most inappropriate times.

 

I wouldn't have thought it was possible until it happened to me. I think it's part of going long streaks without orgasm. Most guys (lucky them) have wet dreams. I just end up with a hair trigger. Sometimes it takes just one touch to ejaculate, and that happens before getting an erection. My last big relapse - I got triggered by an attractive co-worker, couldn't handle it, went to the restrooms, touched myself just once and . . . that was it. No erection, maybe just a quarter hard, but my seed was pouring out into the toilet

I get that. I totally get that. I think it comes from knowing that masturbation and having orgasms is bad for me, but feeling powerless to control myself. Maybe if a woman would do it for me? I would never give another man that kind of control over me, but a woman that I trusted - yes.

I suggest reading Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. It might help you understand (and explain!) your desire to not orgasm. Maybe you'll get really lucky and find a woman (the book is written by a woman) who shares your desire to avoid orgasm and explore non-orgasmic sex AKA karezza.