Concentrating on the Target

This is my new journal. I have been on NoFap for 3 years now. I relapsed 150 times in the past 1095 days. I am nowhere close to my goal. Today I watched porn after a week of abstaining and an hour later masturabated again.

I study Computer Science. My placement season is approching. I have decided to work hard for it and get placed in a good company.
I always look back at my failures and think how much further I could have come if I haden't wasted a lot of time and energy on Porn and the subsequent drained out days. These few months are my last chance to land a good job before I pass out of college. I have an offer from a company where I interned but I really did not like my experience there.
Some people like having a chill work schedule. But I really hate that. The past month when I did my Internship, I had very little work so I kept perfecting it and perfecting it beyond required. I was miserable the entire month, becuase I was wasting my time not learning anything. I went through a ton of relapses last Month and left me really miserable. So I really want work to keep me safe and distant from porn and distractions. I know a lot of people will think I am crazy.

I am so addicted to porn, I feel I can't talk to women at all without having bad thoughts . I know the only way to be rid of those thought is by abstaining and keeping clean for a long time. I really want that. The past week I consiosly tried keeping thoughts at bay and it was working. Today I heard about my friends new job's salary and I think I was jealous. I dunno, he's a real close friend and classmate but I felt jealous. He and I do projects together all the time. We were both among the final 7 people present in the final round of the interview for that Company. We were both attending our very first interview too. Today I came to know he has the highest package for any college grad fresher in the country. I am happy for him. He is really hard working and all but I have a hard time trying to shake the feeling.

I have decided to spent my next couple of months solely focused on clearing the upcoming interviews, ie if I can land any.
But above all that I want to keep away from porn. The last few days I was begging to God to keep me away from porn, but as usual I messed up today. I'll keep updating for the next month. My chances of landing an oppurtunity are bleak but I believe I have a fighting chance, if I can keep away from PMO and remain concentrated and motivated.

 

1 month has passed and so has 37 relapses. Averaging at once a day. I relapses to porn about 8 times and remaining is masturbation. I messed up a coding test again. I waste a lot of precious time on social media and of course hangover from porn and bad thoughts.
I really have to bring it under control.

 

October was hell. I masturbated around 50 times. Almost once a day and sometimes more. Almost every night before sleeping. I only watched Porn once on Oct 5 at 1.30 am. I couldn't land even a single interview as well.

November was even worse. I knew eventually I would relapse to porn and behold it happened on Nov 3. I was masturbating from Nov 1- Nov 3 as well. Then again masturbated everyday from Nov 4-8th and relapsed to porn again through a tv series (2 times in a single day) and this was right after I watched holy mass on Sunday. That same day night I watched porn again from another TV series. I downloaded the entire series just to watch the porn scenes. After being miserable the entire next day I again started with masturbation on Nov 10. I have continued masturbating from then till today. In between I masturbated to a couple of pics I came across on twitter as well.

The only hope that is there from these 2 months is that I watched porn on just 3 days. That's partly because I have kept my laptop and do stuff on it in a common place at home. I have disabled incognito and all porn sites on my laptop and phone. Phone doesnt have social media either. So access is hard, thats why whenever I do relpase its through tv shows and random pics on social media. But the urge is too hard and eventually when I get some form of access, I am bound to lose control.

Today is also the birthday of my crush from school. Its been 8 years since I know her and 5 years since I talked with her. Still thinking about her leaves me sad (mainly because I see her twin sister once every year during my college fest). Covid has done away with the fest this year, so no hopes of seeing her ever again. (the last time we talked was in Jan and I was literally asking for time to freeze when we were talking ). I didnt think it would be the last time. Every year this day leaves me completely disturbed ( emotionally).

I am still trying to do the necessary preparations for Interviews but its becoming increasingly harder to concentrate. The past week, I sit to prepare and I wander around seeing youtube videos and reading articles, scrolling through Twitter and all. Even when I do decide to try, I cant seem to get the answers now.

I have a project I have to do to get my degree next June. I haven't got time to put in effort to that as well, mostly because of the hectic work from online classes and this preparation for job interviews.

I have absolutely no idea whats in store and my fight against PMO is pretty much lost I guess. I dont even check in here anymore.Its been two months since my last visit. So I dunno, maybe I'll keep updating when I can. This community is really awesome but I thinks its just me who couldnt use it correctly and break out of the addiction.

 

I masturbated on Nov 26 at night and tonight Nov 27, my laptop pornblock had a small loophole and guess what, I got up at night after everyone slept and watched porn for an hour. I can't resist anymore.
I masturbate everyday and set myself up for imminent relapse. Even the slightest of things can trigger me know and lead to masturbation. I had blocked access so I can't easily access porn but masturbating everyday is a recipe for failure.
Today after fapping it was hurting. I am really getting scared of my addiction now.
The past 2-2.5 weeks have been really unproductive and I constantly feel exhausted and useless. My sleep cycle is a mess, I can't sleep before 2am at night now. I eat breakfast late. No exercise at all for the past 1.25 months and stress from online class. I am in a cycle of stress and addiction.
I feel like I am on the verge of losing control over my sexual desire.
Relapse #263

 

#264- #270
Netflix effect. Guess what that weekend Netflix put up a free to watch offer and I started at exactly 12am on Friday evening and watched steamy shows till 2 am fapping 3 times. The next day from hangover I masturbated.

5 days later on Dec 10, I found a problem in my blocking software and relapsed to hardcore porn 3 times that day.
Hardcore porn from porn sites. That day night I masturbated as well.

Lol I am taking lent for Christmas from 1st Dec. But i guess it's useless now because even if I keep away from food, I can't keep away form lustful videos.

My prayer has been really affected. I don't feel like praying because I feel totally disconnected from God.

 

#271: Today I lost it again. Somehow an actress name crossed my mind and finally I ended up downloading a movie of hers and faping to that. This took my 1.5 hours or so, to search and find and download that and finally masturbate to that. It was the first thing I did today morning.

I have no control now. My thoughts are becoming less controllable. I am totally lost on what to do now.
I have an exam too tomorrow.

 

#272: I had masturbated on the 17th

It's been one week free from PMO now. After a long time, I hit one whole week from urges.
I had my final exams this week for my second last semester of college. My college course is almost over, just one more semester to go. I really miss college, I don't think I'll be going back again.

The past three days I have been emotionally compromised. I couldn't even study properly for my last exam.
I was literally sitting with my study material dreaming about my school life and other imaginary scenarios with my friends from school.
I am totally emotional about my friendships from school and how my relationship with them would have been different, if I had spent more time with them in school. I dunno why I was getting really emotional the past couple days. I couldn't concentrate much on anything.

The feeling that I might not ever see any of them ever again really bugs me.
Even people who I look to as friends, I feel I am not sure if they reciprocate.

Also I see them on insta and having lots of friends, so I hesitate to message them or contact them because I might be disturbance. I am really afraid of having people put aside time to spend with me because I feel I won't be good company for them.
The pandemic really forced a lot of early goodbyes and that too unexpected.

It's really different for me because I am not going back to anything when all this is done. I'll be joining a job and it'll be completely different and I never was able to get a conclusion that I hoped I could have.

Anyways this is my last Christmas as a student.

Merry Christmas to anyone reading.




Liked this from another user: "Do not let yourself come to the point where you have to fail in order to remind yourself why you chose to do this. You have to trust the decisions you've made in the past because it was then that you knew the full weight and value of the path you chose to take. Do not distrust yourself; stick with your word!"

 

#273: I am ashamed to write this, even anonymously. I masturbated today at 7pm not to porn but to imagining about a friend. She is one of my few lady friends and I masturbated thinking about her. I used to do this long back, imagining girls I knew, but I had vowed to stop and let myself down again. This is seriously bad.

#274: If that was not enough, today night at 1am I watched porn as well, because I couldnt control urges after that initial masturbation. I sat till 2.30 am watching porn on my laptop. Now I am back to start again. A 10 day streak after a long long time is over and I messed up yet again.

The new year is approching. This will be my 8th year trying to quit PMO. I am worse of from when I started. I have wanted to stop since 10th grade and here I am with no idea how all this is going to stop or if it ever will.

 

#275: First relapse of 2021
I was clean for 21 days without any PMO and today my day started of bad. I was late for my first online class slept in so I had a late breakfast. I was alone at home till afternoon, so right after my last class I searched for videos. The block was down somehow and I was able to get Private browsing. I downloaded a bad short film and fapped to it. I was really conflicted in my mind while the download was happening but eventually I gave in and failed.
I felt I was really bon track go nofap 50p till today but now I have failed again (275th time) .
Back to square 0 again. I dont want this relapse to occur in quick succession but I know how hard it is to contry after the first relapse.
I really need to control. I really hope this is the year I get control over.my lust and sexual desires

 

#295: Past 15 days till Feb 10 were back to back relpases. I watched porn on 4 occasions and my recent masturabation I thought of a friend while fapping. Its so gross.

 

Personal Post #5

Today was an emotional rollercoaster, I cant seem to move on. I met my crush from school again. The person I had tried avoiding contact in school. I couldnt stop thinking about her for the past 4 years. The last time I saw her was on the final day of school exams on 25th of March. I never even said goodbye and I remember coming home and crying a lot (really a lot) because I had failed to get her out of my head.
I met her for the first time in 9th grade, I remember talking a lot at that time, before I started feeling deeply for her and I thought avoiding her would eventually get her out of my head. It backfired so hard and it really hurts even now. She was super friendly and still is. I regret my stupid decision to ignore her for 2 years. I was carried away (almost addicted - entrance here is super competitive) by my studies as well.
I occasionally would replay the day of March in my head where I last saw her and never managed to grow close over the 3 years I had with her from 10th-12th.

I always wanted to see her one more time. I remember promising myself I would never ignore and stop talking and maybe even confess if ever saw her again. Today that finally happened. We happened to be writing the same exam for admission to higher studies in the country. The only reason I decided to go today was because I thought there was a chance to see her.

She arrived 10 mins after I did and we were together for the whole time except during the exam. I was actually impatient to get back to talking to her during the examination.

The interaction left me more emotionally drained than I had expected.

Bit of background:
- She has a twin sister, again my same class from 9th to 12th. My crush was the first one I befriended and I remember being more close to in school.
- Her twin sister comes to my college every year and we also keep in contact over Whatsapp. She contacted me the first time she came to my college.
- I really enjoy her company on campus as well(even though its just once a year)

Today, I was a bit nervous if I'd be able to identify her and all with the mask because of covid. But luckily I did and my heart was racing initially. We started talking a bit before going in for the exam. Her tone and talk was just as I remember and also almost like her sister's as well. Basically she was sweet. But on talking I found out she didnt know where I studied for the past 4 years (my college happens to be the best one in the state and her twin sister visits every year). She asked me where my home was. I was really pained when I heard that. We used to be in the same school bus some days. We have literally talked in the school bus and she's seen my get off and all a lot of times (or so I thought, I am completely confused about my memories now). We were walking close to each other but as I heard these, I felt a large distance. I wanted to ask her phone number and even to remove her mask to just see her face one last time, but I felt I was not even a friend and that point. You could replace me with any casual acquaintance and the conversation we had would be the same. She told me her plans for masters degree and all.
We talked a lot but it didnt feel even a bit personal and its all my fault. I messed up years ago and there's no making amends.
A particular point I felt again was she asked about my brother. I told her he was in the best College in the country. and I could sense the admiration from her eyes. I felt dejected. My crazy attempt at trying to crack entrance in my first tree( my brother dropped a year after school to study and do it) was part of the reason I fell out of keeping relations with people. I think about it and found it even sad. I told her about my job offer and it was out of conversation easily. It's sad as well because my company(not the top in top colleges) but was definitely the Day 0 recruiter in their college.

I was constantly depressed during my last two years of high school (11,12th grade) because of the stress and sacrifice to get into top engineering colleges. I havent told anyone about it (although I dream about venting out about it to my imaginary friend ( i talk to myself a lot these days, I am working on stopping it)). I cried and wept a lot but ever since I joined college, its more or less a much better feeling. I have close friends to talk to anytime, we keep in touch even now during corona. I vowed to never let myself go to that level of depression for something ever again. So the number of times I cry has reduced a lot (almost to 0.01% or something) and even when I do its mostly not from depression rather something sad happening or news making me really helpless and I am okay with that.

Today I felt something completely different, today the more I talked, the farther away I felt even when she was right beside me walking with me down the road.

Her mother and twin sister came to pick her up. I never saw her without the mask. I couldnt ask her to take it of for a glimpse beacuse of the distance I felt. I smiled and waved goodbye to her and her sister(sitting in the car- no words exchanged). I sat in my car silently the way back. I got a proper goodbye atleast. I still care for her deeply, I dont know if I ever will forget her at any point in life(its been 8 years now).

I got home and felt really grateful to God. I was crying so hard lying in bed. I couldnt ask for anything more. I always had the oppurtunity to speak, take it further and all. Here today I even got a chance that I never ever could have hoped for. A chance to get a proper goodbye. It was ME who was the problem. I burnt through the time and oppurtunities I had and did not value it when I had it. I was so grateful today, even when I was literally crying hard. ( I have tears while I type this out).

I dont think I will ever see them again, especially her(if she does go abroad as well) . I need to seriously rethink my priorities. I am trying to do it as much as I can. Valueing people and relationships over excess study and dreaming up scenarios and talking to myself.
I will probably cry in my sleep today. I still cant get my mind around the fact it might just really be over this time around and everything I thought I knew was wrong and warped. I cant trust my own decesions and thoughts very much.

Note to self: 1. Everything I think might be pointless actually
2. I can finally forget March 25 2017

 

#295:
Good News!!!
The past 28 days have been completely PMO free. Since 10 Feb, I havent had any instances of even masturbation. I am halfway into the Lent now. This is the first time in my life, I have been able to keep away from PMO during the lent. Every year I fast but I cant beat PMO. This is year is the farthest I have ever been. The great thing is, the number of times I have been aroused is also very less. Only a couple of days till today, and thankfully didn't lead to anything else. I have also been praying almost every day (morning and evening) except for a couple days when my toe was sprained. It feels really good and I really want to keep it up. It feels like I have time now to do other things. I started learning guitar last week. I feel like I have more time now to focus on stuff.

Something else that is currently bugging me is, is the amount of daydreaming I do nowadays. Since December, I have been really disturbed emotionally. I guess I miss college and people and all. I met my school crush on Feb 13 (prev post). The days after that, I have been dreaming about a lot of imaginary interactions with her and her twin sister. Completely just scenarios of talking (nothing sexual at all). A good amount of time is wasted justed lying in bed and talking to myself. This semester is relatively free, so I have a good amount of free time as well.
The first week after I saw her, my daydreaming really affected my online exams. I wasnt able to control my thoughts and dreams, but it got better later on. But even now some days, before sleeping, I lie in bed dreaming for hours. Again nothing sexual at all. I just think I really enjoy talking to them (based on my experience from a year ago and a couple whatsapp chats) . I am not sure if I will even see either of them again.
I know its wrong and I want to stop, but it engages a lot of time which takes away time I might use for PMO, so I indulged in it.
Nowadays I also don't have sexual urges as much as I used to before, I just want to talk and interact with people. Whenever thoughts like that come to my mind, its quickly replaced by a desire to have someone to just talk with freely.

I hope to keep up the streak. If I can, I could hit NoFap50 by end of Lent and NoFap75 a few days after my birthday.

For the first time in my NoFap journey I feel confident and hopeful I can achieve it.

@Tao Jones. Just wanted to let you know. You were really supportive. I am really thankful for the support.

 

#295:
Yesss!!!!. I have never been more happy on any of my previous birthdays. I hit 70 days of NoFap today. First time ever!!. I really cant describe the good feeling these days. The only day I had a bit of a hard time was when I had a wet dream one day. But I somehow managed to make it through the day. It's funny I didn't even rememeber the dream when I woke up. But i did feel a bit disapppointed that day (because of the long streak and all). But that was about it.

I am not sure but nowadays I really dont feel any sexual desire as well. Whenver thoughts cross my mind, I feel like I would rather have someone to really talk to and share stuff with than any kind of sexual pleasure.

Today started off quite well. I was pretty depressed seeing my Twitter feed last night ( India has serious Covid problems now, oxygen shortage and all and the govt is busy with election rallies). At 12 am, my friends from college video called and it went on till 2am. So that was a pretty good start for the day. They day went along with Whatsapp and online class and all. I was sure I would do an update in NoFap today. It was a pretty quite birthday, but I don't mind. I am used to quite birthdays. My birthdays almost always fall during holidays, so very few ppl actually know the date.

So since my last post, it been fairly chill. The class workload was less and I actually had a lot of free time. I have been practising guitar for almost 40 days now. My course is almost over , around 3 weeks left, workload is also less. In my usual manner (all these years), whenever I am free, I give in to porn and end up being even more sad and angry at myself. This time i was free from PMO and I feel like I have time to explore other stuff I wanted to try, I bought a guitar 6 years back and now is when I finally learned to play stuff properly on it. I learned two full songs - "Cant help falling in love with you", "Before you go". Now i'am learning "Perfect". I have some exercise most days as well(football 1v1 with my brother). I also learnt a few software, i wanted to learn.
Most of all, I found time to call a few of my teachers from school, as well as a few friends I havent talked to in a while. I made a list and worked throught it last month. I still have a few more people remaining to call That was fun as well!!. I also learned a bit of cooking.
And I forgot to mention I have been growing my hair for the past year. I have always wanted to do it, and I like it after I finally did so. Usually I end up cutting every 2-3 months after my parents put enough pressure.
So yeah, these past 70 days almost every stuff on my bucketlist is being done.
Grow hair, NoFap, meet the girl I mentioned one more time (Oh, I found out she has a boyfriend- that finding actually significantly reduced my crush on her I guess - whenver she crosses my mind, i dismiss it by remembering the guy)., learn guitar (on my way. I plan to spend a good amount of my next two months, before I join my first job learning songs on it. That and I have a few books I have lined up to read. I stopped reading books (like novels and books like that) in 10th because of the hectic study schedule and also time wasted in porn and the sadness, anger and disappointment afterwards). I also want to learn piano. I have a toy piano with me (only allows to play with one hand). I can do that quite well now, so I was thinking of maybe getting a full piano (not sure though).

Also for the first time ever, I managed to get through the Holy Lent without any kind of urges or PMO. I was a bit disappointed that I couldnt maybe do a confession and accept communion this year. Because its really different, as I felt I was really clean this lent.

The daydreaming is still a problem. Although now its not that severe as before, it stills eats away time, especially in the morinings right after waking up. I get my book for praying and I sit and dream scenarios for sometimes upto 1.5 hours. I need to figure out some way to stop that. Also correcting my sleep cycle. It's pretty random nowadays.

These days seem to good to be true (in terms of NoFap and all). I couldnt even imagine a situation like this would be possible a few years back. I really really hope I can go on like this. I am a bit afraid that when the daily stress and challenges of job or something comes up, I might lose out. I really dont want to go back. If all goes well, I'll be able to reach NoFap 100 days when my course ends and by that time I hope I would have learned "Perfect" on guitar as well.

 

#295:

4 days to go to hit my first NoFap 90. I have my last exam for college on 11th May. After that I have my project evaluation on 16th May evening. With that my entire bachelors course would be over.
I have been a bit more triggered these past two weeks. I think I looked at a few P-subs that I came across on youtube, but stopped before it got the best of me. Two weeks before I stumbled across porn I had downloaded before my 90 days streak. I dont keep porn on my phone, a few times I relapsed before I had downloaded, watched and deleted. This somehow remained and I found it last week. My curiousity got the best of me and I decided to check it out, the moment bad scenes came up. I was doubtful, if I should continue, eventually I somehow just scrolled through the video and deleted it. I was eerily close to losing out on my entire streak because of it. The first 70 days were really free, I dunno nowadays the thoughts are building up more often (much less than before the streak) but still signigficantly more than the first 70 days.
With college ending, I think I am a bit sad that things are gonna change a lot now. All of them would be busy with work from next month, so most people wont be free to talk on discord and Whatsapp and all. The covid situation in India is not gonna get any better any time soon as well. My state is a bit better off than the rest of the country but the cases are still rising sharply. I think its gonna take atleast a year more for an end to this.
My guitar learning is going well, I learned a good part of "Perfect" as well.

 

Yeah, I'll try to start checking in more frequently.

Good news today. I hit my first ever NoFap90 . I have been trying for almost 3 years to hit 90 days and I finally did it today.
I have a lot to write about, I have my last viva for my college course this Sunday, so I guess I'll do a detailed journal entry on Sunday.