PornChangesMorality
New Fapstronaut
Let me start this off by saying, I was introduced to porn at a very young age (maybe 8-9, currently 18 years old) I’ve been addicted to pornography for the past decade nonstop, before I even knew how to ejaculate. During elementary years, I’d go to my friends house and me and my friend would sneak under his bed and watch RedTube and just comment about how attractive these women were, all while also getting a rush at doing something we knew our parents wouldn’t approve of.
I’ve grown up with like-minded individuals in school throughout the past decade as well, which I imagine ingrained a sense of normalcy with how I objectified viewing women growing up.
Now cut to me in 7th grade, I’m still in the midst of my porn addiction. I’m watching porn 2-3 times a day maybe. I’m also a 7th grader with no prior girlfriend or any sexual experience, this I’m sure must’ve weighed heavy on my mind as I watched some of my friendsgo through what I wasn't. Which is an unfortunate thing because looking back, I had a lady friend who I liked and who probably liked me as well, but I wasn't aware of the signs, most likely because of my skewed perspectives on love and natural progression.
One of the days in 7th grade, a different lady friend of mine who I wasn't necessarily attracted to, was wearing a short dress. I don't know what possessed me at the time looking back, but I tried to get a video of under her skirt without her knowing. I had tried numerous time to do this, but I think I was too afraid to get caught for a good angle (Thank God). This was one of two times, I tried doing this to the same lady friend. I honestly am not sure why I would do this but I think I told myself if she didn't know, it isn't harming anyone. I'm fairly certain porn turned me into some sort of voyeur. There was also two instances of a school fight breaking out in the lunchroom, and both times I had tried to rub my hand against a random girls butt in the massive crowd (WTF was wrong with me?).
Cut to 8th grade and at this point I'm fiending for a relationship or any type of female interaction. I do something that I still regret to this day. I do things with one of my best friend's girl. It starts off with her becoming my female bestfriend because of her knowing I'm friends with her boyfriend. I startwalking her home everyday after school, and eventually, on these walks she becomes closer with me and tells me how she feels attracted to me and how she always had liked me before my friend. I being who I was, immature and self serving, starting doing stuff onthese walks (fingering). After a fewweeks of this, I stop out of nowhere, I slowly cut contact, and then regret comes in. I realize my friend is still seeing this girl who cheated on him, and I'm too much of a pussy to tell him what I had done. So throughout a year, I try telling him subliminally that this girl wasn't right for him without really giving a concrete reason, until eventually I own up and tell him the truth. Lust really fucked that wholesituation up, but at the time I waspartially mad at myself and mostly mad at her like it wasn't a two person job.
Now cut to high school Junior Year, I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl I wasn't attracted to physically but still used sexually on the phone (Relationship ends messily). Twomonths later, I get into my "first" in person relationship with a girl with BPD and other issues, incredibly attractive, huge ego, constantly getting catcalled in school. I can't even hold hands with this girl walking in the halls without getting a huge erection (pathetic). This girl emotionally abuses me and compares me to her celebrity crushes. She winds up leaving me because I was too soft or not manly enough, in different words. She leaves me for my best friend at the time (Karma is a bitch but deserved). I then become introduced to marijuana from friends, and become heavily addicted to that.
I get with a different girl and this girl I truly did love, 7 months of love but me being a scared pussy who had a crippling porn addiction, I never made the move to have sex with her. We were both virgins and that'll haunt me for a while, because of how special both of our first times could've been if I was a different man, but whatever.
Now I'm heartbroken with this girl leaving me because of my inability to progress in the relationship and her presumably leaving me for a different boy in her circle. I fall into a deeper reliance for pornography. I start getting into bad types of porn, like leaked celebrity nudes, nudes of exes,nudes of a friend's ex, nudes of a friend's current girlfriend. I imagine there had to be some type of power or control I was craving because thethought of masturbating to these things that I "wasn't allowed" to, gave me a powerful rush. I figured in my mind I wasn't a bad person because it's not like they knew what I was doing behind closed doors (Which is crazy cope, I definitely was questionable morally for this)
Fast forward to age 16-18, I grow bored of the nudes I had in my gallery, this is where shit gets fucked up and I'll have to learn how to forgive myself for this. I'm smoking marijuana carts 24-7, morning to night, and I find this group app (not disclosing for obvious reasons). I realize I can find leaked nudes of different girls my age if I search for it, and so I did, and I found plenty of girls that looked like my age getting exposed and leaked. Videos of creepshots in bathrooms, putting cameras up skirts. I indulge and indulge, and am swarmed by thousands of images and videos. I give in completely without much of a second thought because in my mind, I'm not the one leaking these, I'm nothurting anyone, I'm just indulging with what I see. I wank off to these videos for 2 years up until 3 months into being 18, which is around the time of where I stopped smoking because I realized it's detriments and after Istopped that, I stopped watching porn as frequently for the same reasons. Then a sense of clarity and morality hit me, I had been watching videos of girls being exposed, videos that potentially ruined their formative years, videos that might've made some self-harm or commit suicide. I even did share 2 anonymous censored videos of my exes for an self-interest exchange, just because I was high and angry withthem leaving me (Like they owed me something?). I even stumbled across videos of girls that seemed a little young but I gaslit myself into thinking they weren't as young as I was really thinking them to be. Looking back on that, disgusts me to no end. I never thought I'd ever look at that type of vile shit, but there I was months ago, high and aroused. Watching young girls getting their videos leaked and exposed. All while having either no thought behind it or some weird twisted excuse in my mind. I was spending hours on this group chat a day.
Now that I'm out of those addictions, the clarity is hard for me to handle. I was surrounding myself with pedos and people that were likely 3-4x my age, for some reason that never crossed my mind when I was there. I cried very hard the other night because of the things I had witnessed on that app and even my own actions. The images of what I saw haven't left me, I can't even describe some of them but some group chats had the most heinous human acts imaginable. All I did when I was searching for leaks and saw theseheinous videos was report them and move on. I'm proud that I knew how disgusting some of the stuff was in the midst of this addiction but I still just moved on with what I had saw and wanked to different things because of desensitization I'm guessing (Seeing the unspeakable acts didn't entirely kill my drive for what I was seeking for, just kinda paused it for a minute before I moved on) Now I can't move on with what I have witnessed. I've always thought I was a decent person for the actions I do for my family and those around me as of recent years, but now I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have seen and indulged in. I'm glad I have immense clarity now, but how come I didn't then? The guilt and shame feels like it won't leave. I don't want to be a bad person, I even compulsively donated $125 to multiple charities in hope of putting more good out into the world rather than bad. Yet the shame and guilt remain the same. I just want to know if I'm worthy of being happy again, or any type of peace. My past actions and what I've involuntarily stumbled across just won't leave my conscience. I'm never touching porn again as long as I can help it.
How can I forgive myself and be proud of who is in the mirror?
I’ve grown up with like-minded individuals in school throughout the past decade as well, which I imagine ingrained a sense of normalcy with how I objectified viewing women growing up.
Now cut to me in 7th grade, I’m still in the midst of my porn addiction. I’m watching porn 2-3 times a day maybe. I’m also a 7th grader with no prior girlfriend or any sexual experience, this I’m sure must’ve weighed heavy on my mind as I watched some of my friendsgo through what I wasn't. Which is an unfortunate thing because looking back, I had a lady friend who I liked and who probably liked me as well, but I wasn't aware of the signs, most likely because of my skewed perspectives on love and natural progression.
One of the days in 7th grade, a different lady friend of mine who I wasn't necessarily attracted to, was wearing a short dress. I don't know what possessed me at the time looking back, but I tried to get a video of under her skirt without her knowing. I had tried numerous time to do this, but I think I was too afraid to get caught for a good angle (Thank God). This was one of two times, I tried doing this to the same lady friend. I honestly am not sure why I would do this but I think I told myself if she didn't know, it isn't harming anyone. I'm fairly certain porn turned me into some sort of voyeur. There was also two instances of a school fight breaking out in the lunchroom, and both times I had tried to rub my hand against a random girls butt in the massive crowd (WTF was wrong with me?).
Cut to 8th grade and at this point I'm fiending for a relationship or any type of female interaction. I do something that I still regret to this day. I do things with one of my best friend's girl. It starts off with her becoming my female bestfriend because of her knowing I'm friends with her boyfriend. I startwalking her home everyday after school, and eventually, on these walks she becomes closer with me and tells me how she feels attracted to me and how she always had liked me before my friend. I being who I was, immature and self serving, starting doing stuff onthese walks (fingering). After a fewweeks of this, I stop out of nowhere, I slowly cut contact, and then regret comes in. I realize my friend is still seeing this girl who cheated on him, and I'm too much of a pussy to tell him what I had done. So throughout a year, I try telling him subliminally that this girl wasn't right for him without really giving a concrete reason, until eventually I own up and tell him the truth. Lust really fucked that wholesituation up, but at the time I waspartially mad at myself and mostly mad at her like it wasn't a two person job.
Now cut to high school Junior Year, I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl I wasn't attracted to physically but still used sexually on the phone (Relationship ends messily). Twomonths later, I get into my "first" in person relationship with a girl with BPD and other issues, incredibly attractive, huge ego, constantly getting catcalled in school. I can't even hold hands with this girl walking in the halls without getting a huge erection (pathetic). This girl emotionally abuses me and compares me to her celebrity crushes. She winds up leaving me because I was too soft or not manly enough, in different words. She leaves me for my best friend at the time (Karma is a bitch but deserved). I then become introduced to marijuana from friends, and become heavily addicted to that.
I get with a different girl and this girl I truly did love, 7 months of love but me being a scared pussy who had a crippling porn addiction, I never made the move to have sex with her. We were both virgins and that'll haunt me for a while, because of how special both of our first times could've been if I was a different man, but whatever.
Now I'm heartbroken with this girl leaving me because of my inability to progress in the relationship and her presumably leaving me for a different boy in her circle. I fall into a deeper reliance for pornography. I start getting into bad types of porn, like leaked celebrity nudes, nudes of exes,nudes of a friend's ex, nudes of a friend's current girlfriend. I imagine there had to be some type of power or control I was craving because thethought of masturbating to these things that I "wasn't allowed" to, gave me a powerful rush. I figured in my mind I wasn't a bad person because it's not like they knew what I was doing behind closed doors (Which is crazy cope, I definitely was questionable morally for this)
Fast forward to age 16-18, I grow bored of the nudes I had in my gallery, this is where shit gets fucked up and I'll have to learn how to forgive myself for this. I'm smoking marijuana carts 24-7, morning to night, and I find this group app (not disclosing for obvious reasons). I realize I can find leaked nudes of different girls my age if I search for it, and so I did, and I found plenty of girls that looked like my age getting exposed and leaked. Videos of creepshots in bathrooms, putting cameras up skirts. I indulge and indulge, and am swarmed by thousands of images and videos. I give in completely without much of a second thought because in my mind, I'm not the one leaking these, I'm nothurting anyone, I'm just indulging with what I see. I wank off to these videos for 2 years up until 3 months into being 18, which is around the time of where I stopped smoking because I realized it's detriments and after Istopped that, I stopped watching porn as frequently for the same reasons. Then a sense of clarity and morality hit me, I had been watching videos of girls being exposed, videos that potentially ruined their formative years, videos that might've made some self-harm or commit suicide. I even did share 2 anonymous censored videos of my exes for an self-interest exchange, just because I was high and angry withthem leaving me (Like they owed me something?). I even stumbled across videos of girls that seemed a little young but I gaslit myself into thinking they weren't as young as I was really thinking them to be. Looking back on that, disgusts me to no end. I never thought I'd ever look at that type of vile shit, but there I was months ago, high and aroused. Watching young girls getting their videos leaked and exposed. All while having either no thought behind it or some weird twisted excuse in my mind. I was spending hours on this group chat a day.
Now that I'm out of those addictions, the clarity is hard for me to handle. I was surrounding myself with pedos and people that were likely 3-4x my age, for some reason that never crossed my mind when I was there. I cried very hard the other night because of the things I had witnessed on that app and even my own actions. The images of what I saw haven't left me, I can't even describe some of them but some group chats had the most heinous human acts imaginable. All I did when I was searching for leaks and saw theseheinous videos was report them and move on. I'm proud that I knew how disgusting some of the stuff was in the midst of this addiction but I still just moved on with what I had saw and wanked to different things because of desensitization I'm guessing (Seeing the unspeakable acts didn't entirely kill my drive for what I was seeking for, just kinda paused it for a minute before I moved on) Now I can't move on with what I have witnessed. I've always thought I was a decent person for the actions I do for my family and those around me as of recent years, but now I don't know how to forgive myself for what I have seen and indulged in. I'm glad I have immense clarity now, but how come I didn't then? The guilt and shame feels like it won't leave. I don't want to be a bad person, I even compulsively donated $125 to multiple charities in hope of putting more good out into the world rather than bad. Yet the shame and guilt remain the same. I just want to know if I'm worthy of being happy again, or any type of peace. My past actions and what I've involuntarily stumbled across just won't leave my conscience. I'm never touching porn again as long as I can help it.
How can I forgive myself and be proud of who is in the mirror?