Confession of a struggling Christian - I'm not gay or bi why am I looking at transwomen?

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Hi, my name is Daniel, and I have not posted in a long time since the covid lockdowns stay at home orders. I’m a Christian and I’m still struggling even though I took precautions installing software to prevent me from looking at porn. It will only work to a certain extent until you discover a loophole in an app. I tried telling them to block this through the software and they did not fix it blocking any loopholes in any apps you install on your smartphone. The program I have on my laptop can be overridden with a security password and I don’t even have a trustworthy friend I can give this password to. My problem took on a very bad turn when I find myself looking at something I never thought I would be viewing. It started with a word search on the word “hermaphrodite” that later ended with me looking at a total of 2 videos of a person with a face and breasts of a woman and a penis of a man Masturbating and ejaculating. It’s really bothering me since I watched those videos and I feel really ashamed. I don’t understand why I’m looking at this and I noticed something was drawing me in and it’s not good. I’m not gay or bi-sexual and as of late with all this covid isolation is starting to make me feel lonely and depressed. I’m a believer in Christ and I’m asking why am I still struggling? Part of my past was porn looking at magazines and watching videos. (Explicit details) I was even buying sex toys and never forget the time a dildo showed up in my order as a free extra. I ended up experimenting with it and discovered the prostate gland was a hidden g-spot for men. I can only wish that I never had done any of those disgusting things that I used to do because in the back of my mind those memories are still there.

(Explicit details)

I’m trying to get to the bottom and understanding why am I drawn to transwomen and why I get sexually aroused thinking about it. The thing that turns me on is having an orgasm ejaculating. For me, this is something a fantasized doing to my wife is having her getting me so excited on our wedding night I end up having an orgasm ejaculating like a hose all over her body. Here is the problem I can’t ejaculate as in squirting because mine is labeled as premature ejaculation. It just drips out and I know that turns women off and I don’t want to disappoint her when that time comes. I’m not sure if I envy other men who can please their wives like that. I need to know is there something wrong with me and why am I struggling in this area? I don’t sleep around have sex nor am I attracted to the same sex. As a Christian why am I still dealing with anything sexual? And am I being drawn to transwomen? I have been seeking God in this area and I’m still going around the same mountain.

 

Yes I found this out and most don't do any sermons on this very topic. I remember when I was living in California looking for a Christian recovery group in my area I can be part of I found none. I don't drive that makes more difficult to attend one that is further away from my residence. I now live in New Jersey and where I live I feel isolated because there is no bus line off the street I live off of.

 

Hi brother I just want to thank you so much for recommending minister Derek Prince. I just watched a message that really blessed me. He was talking about trying to earn God's forgiveness that can't be earned. This was the very thing God was showing me and talking to me about one night after I sinned and fell short.