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conflicted about my femdom interests and porn

Discussion in 'New to NoFap' started by hopefulcynic, Dec 2, 2017.

  1. hopefulcynic

    hopefulcynic Fapstronaut

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    I've always had an obsessive interest with femdom since I was very young. I don't remember how it started, but I know by 7 I was already fantasizing about it.
    Through the years I never felt any conventional sexual interest towards women, but instead was fixated on their feet and thoughts of being dominated and degraded by them.

    Through childhood and teenage years, I got a few girls to engage my fetishes, and by this point I was already fapping multiple times a day and couldn't bring myself to stop. If I tried to skip fapping a day, I'd make up for it and then some the day after.

    When I was 15, I discovered porn. I thought it was wild to see so many of my interests were shared by other people. There was a feeling of relief for not feeling so weird and isolated sexually, but it also made it easy to stay in a fantasy land and to get hooked on the stuff further.

    Until a few years ago, I was ok with my interests and had some hope that I would find a girl who is also into these stuff. But the older I get, the more I realize how 'off' my sexuality is with 99% of the girls out there. At this point, I believe that I will never be in a mutually satisfying monogamous relationship if I don't change myself somehow.

    I feel like I'm going through the "best years of my life", and I'm missing on all the experiences that make life worth living. I want to have normal sexual urges and stop wasting away on unrealistic porn fantasies, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to have that. Some days I feel I'm fucked up beyond repair, but I've got nothing to lose by trying nofap, so here I am to stop fapping for the next 90 days.

    P.S. My issue isn't so much that i like femdom/feet, but that it's obsessive, and that I don't have the normal sexual interests; making me sexually incompatible with virtually all women. I've tried filling that intimacy/passion void in my life with porn, and have failed miserably.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Wow. Very courageous to write this
     
  3. anewhope

    anewhope Fapstronaut

    Hi

    Welcome to NoFap. You have come to the right place.

    Like you, I have been into Femdom for as long as I remember and like you, when I discovered porn, and later internet porn, I gravitated to the copious amount of Femdom material out there. I have been with my wife for 30 years and she is not into Femdom. To cut a long story short, I quit PMO this summer and have felt like a new man since. My wife and I are more connected, are having better, more frequent sex and I feel like I am finally being true to myself by not having porn in my life.

    Porn screws up the brain. It distorts your view of life, of sex, of women and utlimately stops you relating to a real woman in a connected, natural healthy way. Whatever your fetish/kink/preferences, feeding it or expressing it through porn is unhealthy and destructive. If you are in a relationship then porn will also damage that relationship. Under all circumstances, getting porn out of your life will help you - staying addicted to it will damage both your present and your future.

    Do not expect quitting porn to 'cure' you of your Femdom preferences. If it goes back far into your childhood (as mine does) then it is hard-wired into you and it will most likely stay with you for life. Nearly everyone has preferences or kinks of one sort or another; you and I happen to like dominant/alpha women. There is nothing wrong or shameful or twisted about that. What you have to decide is what place that is going to have in your life. At the moment you are in an unhealthy place where the combination of your Femdom preference and your PA are screwing up real-life relationships. You need to restore balance. Quitting PMO is the first, important step along that road.

    Once you have rebooted, you should be able to get a better perspective on life. You should be able to form a healthy relationship built on mutual respect, common beliefs and life-goals, in which sexual attraction is only one part. In other words you should be able to fall in love. In the context of a loving relationship, your preferences and hers, will be something that you work out together. My wife is fully aware of my 'kink' and sometimes when she feels like it, she might pander to it a little.

    After 30 years together, she knows me very well and, if she wants to, can make me come almost 'on command'. She knows how much i love going down on her and doesn't care whether there is a submissive element to that or not. Sometimes while we are making love, she will push her foot into my face for me to kiss, knowing that will turn me on even more.

    All these things turn me on, but they aren't required to turn me on. We can have totally vanilla sex very happily. I love every inch of her body - the way she looks, tastes and smells - and making love to her is a fantastic experience - 1000x better than PMO could ever be. I am confident you can get to that place too.

    So your three steps to heaven:
    1. Quit PMO for good and let your brain reboot.
    2. Fall in love with a good woman
    3. Let the sex take care of itself.
    Good luck.

    ANH
     
  4. Welcome @hopefulcynic
    You indeed are on the right place.
    I've been involved in femdom as well.
    I've struggled it for years, and I can say: I feel free and much better.
    I am free of porn. Feel no obsessive urges. But I am working on the underlying issues at the moment.
    Femdom is making use of your lack of self-esteem, lack of real manhood and certain insecurities.

    It's a good starting point to quit porn first. I know the urges for the femdom stuff will decrease as you no longer feed them.

    I wish you good luck on your journey to a life without being dominated any longer.
     
  5. Protagoras

    Protagoras Fapstronaut

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    Welcome. Here are some things working for me.
     
  6. hopefulcynic

    hopefulcynic Fapstronaut

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    This all sounds wonderful. the thing that makes me wary is I never had that normal sexual drive to begin with. But I'll never know if it would come to me unless I try.
    Thanks for sharing your story though, it's truly heart warming to know you've found a wife who is so open and understanding of your fetishes..
     
  7. Cyndi Lucy

    Cyndi Lucy Fapstronaut

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    I understand you. My obsession was so bad I worked as a dominatrix just to have men worship my well manicured feet. I just want to have a normal relationship with a man instead of always feeling like I need to be worshipped.
     
  8. Cyndi Lucy

    Cyndi Lucy Fapstronaut

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    I agree completely. I don't feel self-confident as a woman being a femdom. I feel needier. I feel so much better about who I am as a person free of porn
     
  9. I am glad to hear that.

    I always knew that both the sado-person as the masochist-person has exactly the same insecurities.
    Such a couple is just keeping each others problems alive :(
     
  10. hopefulcynic

    hopefulcynic Fapstronaut

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    Do you actually enjoy it sexually though? or is it more of a mental gratification in being adored, worshipped, and in control? Most femdoms I've met in fetish groups did it either because they enjoyed the control and attention, or had some past abuse experience and used the fetish scene to play out their resentment.
    I've yet to meet one that finds foot fetish and femdom sexually arousing though.

    Either way, best of luck on reaching your goals. I'm rooting for your success.
     
  11. Hello @hopefulcynic

    I have the same femdom addiction and I understand how you feel. All my life I've been addicted to femdom porn. It started with some foot fetish stuff and then it turned to trampling, humiliation, etc, until I found femdom joi. That really turned me on like nothing else in the world.

    I've always had a pretty normal sexual life, but sometimes I even jerked off to femdom joi instead of seeing any of the girls I used to date. As I became more addicted to it, I started to find out that I was having problems with my erections. All I wanted was to be humiliated and degraded by the girls I dated, but I didn't have the courage to tell them my secret fantasies so after this bad experience I had to jerk off to femdom porn.

    Now I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me and enjoys all the kinky fetish I like, but of course, she does not degrade me or humiliates me as those joi humiliations videos. But you know what? I don't want her do to that to me; I know I can have a normal or kinky sexual life with her and it will be so much better than watching femdom porn.

    I'm sure you will find somebody who enjoys some of the stuff you like (it is impossible that she likes all your kinky fetishes). As somebody said earlier, you won't qet rid of your femdom preferences, for sure. The most important thing is to know how to handle them, and to stop perversing reality with more femdom porn.
     
  12. It's explained in this thread and in other thread that the whole femdom stuff is based on insecurities.
    If you pull your partner into it, I'm afraid that in the end the relationship will be screwed up.

    You say you can't get rid of femdom preferences, I say you definitely can get rid of it.
    Face and process your insecurity and root issues and the need to be humiliated will disappear completely!.
     
  13. MMAWingChunDude

    MMAWingChunDude Fapstronaut

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    I would like to say there is nothing wrong with wanting a dominant woman who knows what she wants. as a guy i have always been more submissive personally. i can take charge occasionally, but it's not natural for me. Personally i am into women taking charge and I like Gentle femdom. Dominant women can be very sexy. There's a certain amount of pleasure in being able to be submissive sometimes. Societal pressures tell me as a guy i should be domineering and aggressive, and its not my natural behavior to do so. I force appearances around other guys, but with women, it can be an escape :3 I honestly am a switch in this context. If a girl wants me to be dominant i can, but i really like subbing more.

    Point Being, there is nothing wrong with having fetishes. they are harmless, and honestly you should just embrace them. Nowhere in nofap does it say fetishes are bad. the main issue in nofap is pornography. Porn is honestly bad for some of us. some can moderate their consumption and others cannot. if you use porn all the time, Thats what nofap is very good for. pornography is every bit as addictive as drugs tbh. you don't have to condition yourself to enjoy orgasming, you have to with a needle.
     
    anewhope likes this.
  14. fedmom

    fedmom Fapstronaut

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    Sorry but femdom is very harmful as it's sexual masochism disorder. There's no such thing as a "submissive" man. The way to cure it is to increase serotonin. I have a thread on how to do this in my profile for anyone with this addiction.
     

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