Constantly trying to grope my wife

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by elonmusk, Oct 17, 2018.

  1. elonmusk

    elonmusk Fapstronaut

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    Hi folks, I have 15 years of deep porn addiction. I have been porn and masturbation free for 50 days now. I had last week sex with my wife and I feel like I am restarting again. It shifted from porn to my wife. That means that instead of fantasizing about porn or other girls I am fantasizing about my wife constantly and I am trying to get her in the mood with touching and sometimes groping which as you can imagine has the opposite outcome. How do you handle this behaviour? How do you remind your self that your wife is not here to please your imagination? I am having the same guilt reaction after porn when I touch her on purpose of invoking sex and she feels that I am trying to push her. It is super annoying for me and her as well. Thanks for any help!
     
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  2. You need to connect on an intimate level, look in her eyes, talk with her, listen, hold her hand as you look in her eyes and talk, give hugs from the heart. These things need to come naturally but think about these things and let them grow in your mind. Remember how you felt about her when you met her.
    In time playful groping and things can be ok after you have reconnected and if it is ok for both of you.
    Open up to her about this, tell her your concerns. Being honest is very important and makes her aware of where your mind and heart are.
     
  3. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    What a relevant signature. I mean I just had a post deleted. It wasn't even obscene or anything. Like I was too "insensitive" I guess but not in a way I thought was against the rules. I wasn't trying to offend. I suppose you need to be extra sensitive here.
     
  4. Contentful T

    Contentful T Fapstronaut

    Can I share a link? Might have some inspiring info at the very least. Much more intricate than what I am willing to post right now.

    www.reuniting.info

    Thanks and best wishes!
     
  5. elonmusk

    elonmusk Fapstronaut

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    Thank you, It is really nice of you and I think you are completely spot on.
     
    hardowner likes this.
  6. Any time. Nothing I like to see more than a husband working on getting better and improving their relationship at the same time.
     
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  7. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    You escalate too quickly. You skip the important first steps...
     
  8. ultrafabber

    ultrafabber Fapstronaut

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    You have to stop fantasizing, as fantasizing is just mental porn. And though fantasizing you're objectifying whoever you're fantasizing about, including your wife.

    Do not fantasize at all. Focus on being intimate, kissing, holding her. Look into her eyes when having sex. etc.

    You have the same guilt reaction because your brain is still processing sex in the old way, which you are reinforcing though fantasizing.
     
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  9. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    Better with your wife then with your hand
     
  10. While that is true, it has to be in a mutually consenting and affectionate, intimate way at this point in his healing. If not it just comes off as creepy to her and drives a wedge deeper between them.
     
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  11. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    That's true. I guess he just needs to apply whatever trick he is using for NoFap on her. The only difference is he can release on her from time to time while he shouldn't be doing that with porn or masturbation.
     
  12. iaj

    iaj Fapstronaut
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    This is so interesting! I've experienced different things in the past with girlfriends. Fortunately some girlfriends had high sex drives which resulted in watching less porn and fulfilling more fantasies with them. Other times I kept watching porn whilst having a girlfriend with a high sex drive. On contrary occasions where my sex drive has been higher than girls (due to excessive porn viewing), I would get resentful or stroppy when the sexual arousal didn't reciprocate. I relied on porn to "top me up" between sex. It's varied in the past but overall- porn is the trigger behind our drive and fantasies. Although now it's kind of a healthy shift, you're desiring your partner more. As long as it doesn't have a negative impact on her and you want her for more than just sex. You need to self-control/ balance this whilst showing her affection in other ways.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2018
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  13. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    Turning a woman into a hand substitute isn't an honor for her...
     
  14. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    True. My intention wasn't to disrespect her. It was more ment as a point to say that he shouldn't go back to masturbation and that there isn't anything wrong with sleeping with his wife.

    I realize that he seems to be a little hands on in his approach with her to an unhealthy extent. My advice is to use the tricks you use with NoFap on her and talk to her about this.

    Two people now replied to my post showing there disapproval. I hope I wasn't being insensitive to what the op is going through
     
  15. hardowner

    hardowner Fapstronaut

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    Quitting M and having real sex is improvement... :emoji_thumbsup:
     
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  16. elonmusk

    elonmusk Fapstronaut

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    Yes, I agree that I don't want to objectify my wife. I feel how my brain plays tricks on me. When I don't get my daily stimulation I get easily angry or sad and my brain tricks me into feeling that she does not love me. During that, I have really weird feelings about her and my self and I do overthink everything. My brain just starts creating really bad memories from our relationship and wants me to believe that she does not love me because she is not as affectionate as I am. But I know that she loves me. She has been through so much with me and took care of me when I was ill. This is so much harder than quitting smoking. When I quit smoking after a month I felt a huge relief and I was not promoting to my self that smoking helps me in any way or any stupid thinking like I have right now in this phase. My brain simply wants to put me in a misery so I can watch porn again, but I don't want to. I want to be as I was before I started with porn. A person who did not saw tits and pussy in everything, who was not looking at every butt on the street, who was not fantasizing about big boobs all the time :( I hate my self for the number of years I did this to me.
     
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  17. Acknowledge what you were doing, be upset with yourself but then put it behind you. We don't forget but we strive to be what we want and let those things we have done fade in time. We can't change what we have done but we can learn from and be who we we're meant to be
     
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  18. iaj

    iaj Fapstronaut
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    We should all give ourselves a pat on the back for trying repeatedly because this is the hardest yet most unspoken unpublicised addictions. There’s no money, unavailability or ‘dealer’ involved. Porn and masturbation is the free, instant and closely linked to a biological/ primal need. So bear with it and fight through the shitty early stages. I’m 50+ days in and I’ve acheived longer in the past but I’m still fighting. They say it takes 90 days to create a new habit. So equally it may take 90 days to break one. Or more- it depends. We have to be patient and you’re doing amazing for being self aware enough to post a thread about your situation. Your wife is lucky to have someone who knows he has a problem as opposed to someone who doesn’t know.
     
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  19. Meditation Monk

    Meditation Monk Fapstronaut

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    lol, can't tell you too much about since I am not married or have children, thank God, I do not have to worry about child support payments, but it seems like to me you are starting to use your wife as a substitute for porn.
     

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