Contact with narcissistic(or emotionally unstable) close people

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by deeroo, Apr 26, 2020.

  1. deeroo

    deeroo Fapstronaut

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    Hello! I created this thread to collect information and descriptions of experiences about narcissistic or emotionally unstable close people with you had contact. I think it would be useful for all of us because they can affect your personal life and mood.
     
  2. you tell your experience brother.


     
  3. Hi pal,
    toxic people are often hiding in plain sight. The saddest thing, is the harm they do, is done before you realise their true nature.
    For example the person you think is kind and interested in you. But in reality they are only trying to find your weaknesses! The first chance they get they will exploit you.
    When you confront them, about their behaviour, they question your mental state. This is gaslighting and is depressingly rather common. Sadly you have to experience ,before you can evaluate , a person's true nature.
    An elderly aunt of mine proved to be a text book narcissist. I had respected this person all my life. I had thought her wise and worldly rather than malicious.
    I WAS WRONG! This woman is very wealthy but not through hard work. She tends to graviate towards vulnerable elderly people with money. When they pass on she inherits their wealth. Recently a mutual relative died.
    My aunt believed she and her family would acquire the lion's share of the estate. This was presumptuous on her part. The deceased had died intestate. His estate was divided evenly among his living relatives.
    My aunt's fury knew no bounds. My brother had a serious mental breakdown at this time. It had nothing to do with my uncle's estate. In truth it had been waiting to happen for years. Sadly I am convinced that my brother will never fully recover.

    My aunt and her equally odious husband were dismissive of my brother's mental illness. They downplayed it and talked over me when I tried to appraise them of the truth. They were also very sarcastic and aggressive about my uncle's estate.

    When I confronted them about their behaviour both flew in to a murderous rage. They tried to deny all wrong doing. This was classic gaslighting on their part. She swore she would never forgive me. In her spite and grandiose sense of entitlement she failed to see the truth. The truth being that she REQUIRED forgiveness. She had nothing to forgive me for!

    All attempts at reconciliation on my part have failed. My aunt will go to her grave convinced that I have grievously wronged her. She will never admit she did anything wrong. There is I assure you a moral to this account.
    It is you CAN NOT REFORM a narcissist/ toxic person. If you can't avoid them you must reduce their impact on your life. This is not easy I know. But it is the only rational course of action.

    Take care everyone and stay connected to NoFap!
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
  4. S'mores and Brimstone

    S'mores and Brimstone Fapstronaut

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    I coined a term for this. I call it fiscal divorce. Family will shun each other over inheritance conditions. It's happened in my own family. Unfortunately I see it all over.

    I'm not looking for pity but I wanted to share something in this relating subject.
    In 2009 my folks and I were evicted from a family farm that had been part of our heritage for 3 generations. My Father soon got cancer after we'd been forced to town and passed away within a few years.

    The same relatives who found loophole in corporate ownership regarding the farmland also found one to stake claim to my dad's life insurance and personal auction earnings post death.

    We barely broke even on our own finances after my parents had essentially put 30 years into the farm.

    This ravenous behavior of seeking gains off of death and deception was given a fitting term by a co worker of mine. He called them "gophers". Since they're always waiting to suddenly take over the next hole when another dies or leaves. It's always grounded in whispering and false compassion from the beneficiary unto the departing.

    Anywho- I was to no surprise extremely bitter over this for almist a decade.
    But I made a choice after many years to engage these relatives on the subject and to my own moment of epiphany, these people were so much more wounded interiorly than I could understand. Their prior hardships had made them stone cold and their fears had made them compulsive to resource hoarding.

    What I'm saying is: harboring vengeance did me no favors. Their world of faithlesness caused them to create their own personal Hell with nothing but old money and false friends. They had been in a worse state of living through it all compared to myself. I forgave these people. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. But it brought me peace over time.

    I would just warn the mentality of "toxicity" in an us/them ideal is dangerous. We all have toxic traits. Thinking that distance alone without reflection on ourselves and those who wound us will deal skeptic conclusions that cause us to stumble over and over- never understanding what's eating us away or why we find ourselves in the cycle. Seek to understand those who persecute you. Stray from the comforting idea of they're evil,toxic,delusional etc.

    I hope this helps or makes sense to some degree.
    I'm kinda shootin from the hip. Long read. Sorry.
     
    Last edited: May 2, 2020
  5. No need to apologize my friend. I am trying to forgive. I believe reconciliation is out of the question. But I have moved away from the intense bitterness I once felt.
    I am starting to read more books and websites on Stoicism. I hope this will help me further along the path to a healthier mindset. Not just for this issue but also for my whole approach to life.
    Thank you for the advice pal. Take care!
     
    S'mores and Brimstone likes this.
  6. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
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    Really would like to second this part, anything that you see in others truly can be ourselves. Its best to distance in order to have secure healthy boundaries by removal of yourself from a negative situation, but not to pass onto personal judgement to their specific character. All people including our parents and ourselves have acted from a place of fear and the lessons they learned from negative behaviors in their own lives. I would strongly recommend looking at the assumptions you have about yourself and other people with curiosity as to why you think or feel a certain way about them. Therapy if affordable and patient through finding a good therapist or group is extremely helpful in this regard. We really cannot control others or force feelings onto them or vice versa, we can only work on ourselves and act in a responsible way to our own needs and the needs of others, this is not to appease them or act subordinate, but to uphold the reality that each person is their own person but we do affect each other.
     
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  7. S'mores and Brimstone

    S'mores and Brimstone Fapstronaut

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    I think you're on the right track. Best of luck friend.
     
  8. S'mores and Brimstone

    S'mores and Brimstone Fapstronaut

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    Well said. Don't be ashamed of therapy/spiritual direction.
     
    deeroo and moonesque like this.

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