Continuous Relapses and a probably depression

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by GonTheHunter, Oct 10, 2019 at 7:19 PM.

  1. GonTheHunter

    GonTheHunter Fapstronaut

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    I am very sad with myself now, I am not demonstrating on the outside but I am at the same time disappointed with myself. I've been at NoFap for almost a year now, I registered here on October 22, 2018, that year I was a rubbish in life, completely desperate for a better life, and so at that time I was at the same time addicted to self-improvement I sincerely think that self-improvement has saved my life (forgive me if the term is wrong ... Google translator :/ ).

    That year I was in the ninth grade of elementary school. And ... My life was rubbish, toxic friends in which 2 of them fought with me and another practiced bullying. My family did not understand anything and just demand me study, until today, and when I explain to them about my past situation they say it is "freshness" and for me to react and things like, continuing ...

    I was lonely (no friends and mine were toxic), artificially emotionally filled (addicted to biting nails, video games, pornography and others ...), not leaving home and not playing sports. And these last 2 chase my person to this day.

    It turns out that towards the end of 2018 I changed a little due to my constant search for change, I must say it was good but not complete, it was like remedy the pain, but the medicine causes dependence, I realized that these videos help in the beginning but I am the one who should act, not the author of the video that lives a state away from me.

    Well, I learned about focus, productivity, gratitude, self-care, self-esteem, responsibility, etc. But it seems that everything was like a remedy in my eyes, it's very good at the moment but I didn't do anything, I keep procrastinating to this day, my self-esteem is low and I consider myself ugly, I'm not responsible, I deliver late works for school, I'm not grateful and feel unable to feel it and don't take care of myself the way I should.

    Well, 2019 comes and it SEEMS ... to be all normal. But it's not. I just remedied my problems by presenting the solution to them, it's all in front of me but I can't act, it's like it's necessary to move a planet simply to study ...

    That feeling of difficulty, weight on my back and so on, has just been remedied, it's still up here in my head, the thoughts of my mind pop up and say I'm not pretty, and I agree. I keep failing in school work, and exams ... I keep procrastinating, I'm still lonely, my friends are not the best in the world but recently I returned to a whatsapp group whose toxic friends were there, all of them ...

    The end of 2019 is coming, and I feel everything is coming back, as if I had simply been anesthetized. EVERYTHING IS HERE: Jobs, tests, responsibilities, low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, nail biting addiction, video games, social networks, ALL.

    I simply acquired some resistance to social networking and nail biting addiction, otherwise it's all rubbish, even my porn addiction, whose maximum days without PMO was a mere number called 6, in 1 year I only got 6 days ... What a terrible progress, I think every night I relapse.

    Seriously, I've done a lot for myself and yet it's not enough, adulthood will be worse, they say ... And they also say that being a teenager is the best phase of life, I ask: IS IT THE BEST ??? It makes you want to die with these stupid comments ... Basically that's it, an outburst of my life whose course is failing in school and a lousy life full of addictions. I really want to change but I can't ...

    Please help me, i know everyone can be surprised because i'm always help everyone here, saying things like "good luck", "i believe in you", "you will win", etc. And it's true, i believe in all of you, but, seeing to myself, and all my problems and life, i can't say the same, i don't believe on myself, and luck doens't exist to me.
     
    MarekRutyna and Hold it in like this.
  2. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    I know school guidance counsellors are super nice people, but they aren't qualified doctors or psychologists, but if there is one you can open up to, that would be a start. And if you are not confident to speak about porn & masturbation, that's not necessary, not for a long time. It is not beneficial to keep these feelings inside or continually post them anonymously. It may sound like a cliche, but there a lot of people who could really help you. If you had a really great friend who was going through the same thing, what would you tell them? To keep it inside and keep trying to handle it, or to get some help?
    Based on the way you write, you are bright and alert, but hey, you are also sensitive, which is also a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because you are, no doubt, a kind person. It's a curse because you feel things deeply. So, a bit of balance is necessary.
    You say you want to change but you can't. Really? Seriously? Well, maybe it's difficult but if you make that step to talk to someone they can help you begin the journey.
    Easy? No. Challenging? Yup. Lonely? Sometimes. Doable? For sure. Can you do it? Yes. No reason why you cannot.
     
    Maximus812 likes this.
  3. GonTheHunter

    GonTheHunter Fapstronaut

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    NoFap becomes a little hard, when my mind remember that i'm one year trying and just get 6 days on my hard mode ...
    Something really big need to change on my life, and i think that it's a list: true friends, meditation, and physical exercises. Thank you so much for replying here, this gave me a good feeling.
     
    Ogikubo likes this.
  4. Ogikubo

    Ogikubo Fapstronaut

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    Anytime, man. So many people here have helped me, so I like to do the same to others.
     
    GonTheHunter likes this.
  5. Maximus812

    Maximus812 Fapstronaut

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    When a runner starting his running marathon he/she shouldn't think 'oh there is still 42 km to go'. The suggestion is to say yourself 'ok, just one more km'. So try to concentrate on that thought 'just one more day without porn'. It really helps.
    And don't blame yourself too much. porn is a main problem which affects on other aspects of life. We should remove porn and everything will be ok.
     
    GonTheHunter likes this.
  6. GonTheHunter

    GonTheHunter Fapstronaut

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    I really want to get out of this of this addiction but we have sexual media everywhere. I can't leave every single thing that have sexual content.
     
  7. Hold it in

    Hold it in Fapstronaut

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    I think a lot of times life is like riding a gigantic wave
    If and that is IF you stay on your board anyway you can it's a success. The wave will bruise you, you'll get water in your mouth, eyes, ears, just about everywhere. You might drown, and die

    Life like a wave just keeps coming. Once it throws you up on the shore if you can stand without being sucked out again to go through that yet again, in my 30s having my fair share of drama in my life, health issues (I had a tumor in the right lobe of my thyriod removed) housing issues etc (I've couchd surfed in my early 20s for a good 4 or 5 years) only up until now has life really let it's grip up a bit for me. I'm pretty stable now thank God but I won't ever count some bad times happening to me again. I'm certain they will, but you know what? The longer you stay in the game the easier it gets. Now when shit happens since I've been through all this crap I can handle it because I've developed good coping skills because of "It"

    What is ,"It?"

    Life.

    So, I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up. Hang in there man
    If you need medication for the depression get on some dude, no shame in that at all
     
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2019 at 10:32 PM

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