Control

Absolutely. It sounds like you have given the relationship every possible chance over many years but have now made the irrevocable decision that it is over. He should respect that and allow you to move on in your life.

ANH

 

I kinda look at it like this : If an addict gets to hit rock bottom ( whatever that looks like ) before coming clean and fixing whatever is broke within themselves , than an SO has every right to hit their rock bottom ( I think our rock bottom is when we as SO of a PA decide we’ve had enough , tried to fix the marriage enough ) I’m not there , but I 100% understand wanting to have the quiet in your head /heart . If you tried all that you could /can to stay in the relationship many times , and don’t want to try anymore , that is your right as a human being .

 

Of course it is OK for you to want quiet and to move on. If you don't want to continue the relationship, there is no reason to have to keep going over the PA/past.

 

It all comes down to the honesty. His continued use of P and hiding it is just another lie and betrayal to you. He hasn’t learned to be honest with you and be accountable for his actions. It sounds like you are done, and had enough of the lies and betrayal.

But you are here asking questions.

So maybe you still have some hope. One of the greatest gifts and superpowers a woman and SO has is hope. So while you say you done with the relationship, it really sounds like you are done trying to help in his recovery. Perhaps you believe somewhere inside that you haven’t wasted all of this effort and years or reconciliation and could continue if he actually made a concerted effort over time. I could be wrong.

It’s time for you to take that control back and set his expectations and establish boundaries that you can live with. I can’t help but think of the extreme distancing @TryingHard2Change SO has done. She is still continuing the marriage only in the fact it hasn’t ended in divorce, established a no touching rule, and up until recently has been completely checked out of their relationship. From his posts he really gets it, respects it, and has made a massive amount of progress in my opinion, but still has an uphill battle every day trying to connect with his wife again. Maybe this is what your SO needs as a catalyst to wake him up and have the epiphany that PMO is destroying his life, and you won’t let it rule yours.

So ask yourself if that is what you need. Are you tired of dealing with the recovery without what looks like progress, and just really need to see the effort to continue? If so, state your boundaries and work on your exit strategy. Come up with a plan, if you think it can turn around with his effort set your time frame it has to happen, 3 months, 6 months, etc. when that comes around, and that progress isn’t met, time to execute your plan and move on with your life.

 

Of course it's okay, it certainly sounds like you've made every effort. Besides I don't see how a relationship can be healthy if you are not healthy yourself, we have to deal with our own healing on an individual level which should probably your top priority now.