Controlling the moment of orgasm?

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Deleted Account, Sep 17, 2018.

  1. I am the SO of a recovering porn addict and I've noticed (with and without PMO) that sometimes when I perform oral sex on him, he seems to reach the point of "going over the edge" without any physical stimulation from me, whenever I'm about to get tired for example and he feels like now he should orgasm. It's like he can choose mentally when to make himself orgasm as soon as he has already reached that point physically. I don't know if this makes sense, I'm not a guy so I don't know how it works, but I was theorizing if maybe watching porn trains the brain to control the moment of release, in order to look for more exciting videos/pictures to get more dopamine release without actually wanting the high to end by climaxing.

    Before he left to work this morning, I gave him a 30-second blowjob (he woke up with morning wood) which might have been a new record, because he knew that it had to be quick to not be late for work. It's the same with sex sometimes, there's moments where it lasts 3-5 minutes (when there is time pressure) and then it can last 20-30 minutes, as if he can prolong the moment of climaxing mentally if he wants to.

    Maybe a male perspective can share some insight on this. Thank you.
     
  2. monkeyseemonkeydo

    monkeyseemonkeydo Fapstronaut

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    Hello, health care student here.

    Much like girls, guys can control when to orgasm as well. But unlike girls, guys usually can't have multiple orgasms. Watching porn possibly does help but it's the kegel exercise that's probably what allows him to control it. I doubt he's unable to O because of you if that's what you're asking.
     
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2018
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  3. Sometimes addicted guys cannot orgasm without porn, so they imagine porn scenes or just harder stuff and then reach climax immediately. In this case man can choose moment to orgasm.
     
  4. Thank you for your reply, that makes sense. I'm not necessarily doubting that he gets enough physical stimulation from me, I was just wondering why sometimes when I get tired and for the moment am not actually providing any stimulation, he can still reach climax without it. As if he's trying to test out the limits of physical stimulation without climaxing.

    This has been my biggest fear, if he is imagining porn in his head, to make himself climax more easily. But he hasn't watched porn in 10 months now, so I doubt that this far into the rebooting process, he would still feel a need to imagine it in his head. Of course, I can never really know what is going in his head.
     
  5. monkeyseemonkeydo

    monkeyseemonkeydo Fapstronaut

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    While what @GaryMayor may be true, I would like to give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, especially if he's abstained for 10 months. One thing you should know is that holding on for as long as possible ends up feeling better for the guy.
     
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  6. Everybody on the reboot has flashback of porn in the mind sometimes. If man keep fantasing about it, then reboot is slower. I think you should ask him directly.
     
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  7. That is true, I kept wondering if he might have thought that thinking of porn isn't the same as watching porn, so in a way, he would still have that conditioning in his brain of being more aroused by artificial stimuli rather than real life stimuli. But I did indeed ask him about this recently, and he assured me that he isn't thinking of anything like that during sex. I also made it very clear from the beginning of our relationship that I won't like him fantasizing outside of watching porn (before I knew he was addicted to it) so I doubt he would have done something that he knows hurts me.
     
  8. There is an element of choice, although sometimes you just loose control. Your post is mainly about him. How are you?
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  9. Are you asking about my general well-being or are you asking how I'm doing with the situation?
     
  10. I can only speak from my perspective...I have some control over when i release, but it definitely didn't come from watching porn, in fact just the opposite. I used to be able to control it a lot better, but over use of porn made it so i'm more sensitive to release and , can't go as long before doing so. Either way, like you said, i doubt it has anything to do with you, he's probably just delaying the moment.
     
  11. The situation..
     
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  12. I would assume he is fantasising when he knows there is a bit of a rush required (sorry).
     
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  13. I'm fine with it, thank you for asking. Like said, if he would be thinking about porn to make himself climax more easily then I wouldn't be fine with it, but I doubt that after 10 months of not looking at actual porn he would even have much incentive to do that, plus he wouldn't want to keep doing something he knows to be wrong. I guess he is just really good at controlling his orgasm mentally and/or physically. Overall I was just confused how reaching climax for him can be a matter of seconds or a few minutes, and then other times it's 20-30 minutes.
     
    SirErnest likes this.
  14. But what could be the source for his fantasies if he's stopped looking at porn in a long time? And how would that explain him only requiring a rush sometimes and other times not?
     
  15. Fantasisies can be anything.. you dont need to watch porn to have fantasies. I've had fantasies of various things since the age of 9 and I didn't watch porn until I was into my 20s.

    I don't know. To be honest I would focus on how your relationship is, how your sex life is, how he's treating you, and the fact he no longer watches porn.

    If all is good (I don't know if it is or not), and sex life is good and he's mostly doing well with general intimacy & sexual intimacy and you are happy together, I would just enjoy that.

    There is no such thing as a perfect person, it's the bigger picture that matters. Ps. I am also the partner of a recovering PA. I can tell when now & again he dips into the fantasy bank. But, massive improvements so far in every aspect of relationship. So I pick my battles.
     
  16. Thanks for your reply, I can see what you're saying. I know I am an overanalyzing person and question a lot of - most of the time - insignificant things, but sometimes I can't help it. And I tend to do it more when it's out of a need to protect myself. I know I wouldn't be okay with him fantasizing about porn while being intimate with me. Mental porn hurts my feelings just as much as visual porn and I don't think it would be okay for him to intentionally engage in that behavior that would stall his rebooting process and also hurt my feelings. I could understand it relapse-wise as you say, but otherwise I wouldn't be okay with it.

    I guess I'll just have to trust his words when I told him about these worries and he assured me that I have nothing to worry about.
     
  17. Health care student....says guys can't have multiple orgasms.....wrong my friend. You won't learn this in a textbook, because making love isn't a science.

    Men can have multiple orgasms with practice, and the ones who are more connected with tthemselves can control the timing and intensity when with a woman. Check out some taoist teachings for more information.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 17, 2018
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  18. monkeyseemonkeydo

    monkeyseemonkeydo Fapstronaut

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    Respectfully, I would like to point you to this research study. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/27872023

    While what you say is true, men can have multiple orgasms with practice, not many cases have been reported. It's said in the research paper above, only <10% of males in their 20's are able to have multiple orgasms. With that said, there has only been one published case review of a male being able to produce multiple orgasms in a controlled laboratory setting. While there are literature reviews and other references that I was able to find (seven in total) most of them say they don't know why men are able to have multiple orgasms. Perhaps the taoist teachings that you mentioned is one of them.

    Back to the point of the thread however, I'm sorry I ever mentioned it because the question at hand was if guys can orgasm when they choose. The following paper below shows yes they can, but like you said, with practice. ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1324914/
     
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  19. Burrich1

    Burrich1 Fapstronaut

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    Ten months into a reboot, there is no reason not to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. He could be fantasizing about you to make him finish more quickly. You seem like you have been a very supportive SO during this process. It's true that may take him out of the immediate moment of intimacy with you, but not really remove the Intimacy between you two.

    Also, just like women, all men are different and some can just control their moment. I would just communicate with him and let him put your mind at ease directly. Ten months is a good strong reboot and I suspect we'll over 90% of addicts would have amazing results by then, or even well before then.
     
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  20. Maybe we need to define the male orgasm. Ejaculation almost always will be the end for men, but perhaps there is something else.
     

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